Episode #14: Geeks and Freaks

Or, How I Spent My Weekend Kicking Crime Butt

"How are the ERF calibrations?"

"Steady."

"Check cellular mitosis rate."

"Holding at 150 per minute."

"Have we missed any other psuedoscientific jargon?"

"No, sir."

"…Well, just to be on the safe side, we’d better reverse the polarization of the thermo-electric nuclear magnetic field."

"Yes, sir."

The laboratory was abuzz with activity. Scientists scurried here and there, carrying test tubes and manila folders, looking into microscopes and recording data on charts that covered (and, in some cases, spanned) entire walls. On one end of the laboratory were a series of large transparent tanks, to which were hooked various monitoring equipment. On the other end were a series of holding chambers set into the wall, blocked from the scientists by a thick layer of plexiglass.

And, sitting at a desk to one side of the laboratory, was a strange-looking boy with sallow skin and greasy hair, staring at a glowing computer screen and occasionally making odd noises somewhere between grunting, snorting and laughing.

Finishing his weekly report to the Boss, he printed out two hard copies (because, after all, it never hurt to have an extra hard copy lying around; in this organization, it prevented one from being incinerated over a minor misunderstanding) and slid one into a folder, handing it to another scientist as he walked by.

"Put this in the matter transporter and zap it to the Boss’s desk."

"Right away, sir."

The boy at the desk caught the scientist’s eye and smiled. "Did you know that non-dairy creamer is flammable? If you just add the right amounts to the formula I outlined earlier the last time you walked by my desk, you could add a real extra punch to a pipe bomb—"

"Um…" The scientist tried to edge away. "Well, I’d better get this to the boss’s!" He smiled and ran off.

"Hmm, I wonder why he was in such a hurry. It’s not due for another hour." The boy checked his watch. "Oh well, time to get back to downloading this naked picture of Captain Janeway."

* * *

At that very moment, a certain group of Argonauts were tromping through an underground tunnel. Actually, they’ve gotten a lot of practice at that recently. Not that they liked it any better, though.

"You know, guys," Pouch said, "we really should’ve actually gotten a bite to eat when we were actually in the cafeteria. We haven’t eaten since we started that mission. That was a few hours ago—two whole episodes!"

While he was peeling himself out from beneath the anvil, Super Jen leaned wearily against a wall. "Never mind eating. It’s about two in the morning now! I’m ready for some sleep." She suppressed a yawn.

"You know, Jen," Brian said, "you need to learn to appreciate the glories of pulling an all-nighter. It’s a necessity for college students; and, yes, superheroes."

"When we get out of this," she said, "I’m crashing on my bed and I’m not gonna wake up for two days."

"I’m on such an adrenaline high now," Brian said, "that by the time we get out of this, I won’t be able to sleep for two days!"

"I’m fine," Seeker said, "as long as I have my coffee." He held up a steaming mug as Exhibit A.

"Justice can never sleep," Flip intoned dramatically. "It moves in the night."

"Besides," Pouch added, "this is nothing like a good NERO weekend. Last month, we got a total of four hours’ sleep over the two days!"

Kuni-chan, who had been curled up, asleep, on Flip’s shoulder, offered nothing more than a hweet for her two cents’ worth.

Super Jen sighed.

"Let’s stay awake by singing Weird Al songs!" Pouch offered. "Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming after working all year down at Big Roy’s Heating and Plumbing…"

The other four jumped on him, covering his mouth. "Ssh!" Super Jen hissed. "Do you wanna get us all found?! On a road trip to Erie, maybe, but not now!"

Pouch pouted and whimpered, and his eyes got very large and puppy-doggish.

"Eee! Don’t do that!" Super Jen exclaimed.
"All I …**sniff** wanted to do was…**sniff**…to sing a few songs…" he whimpered.

"Oh, okay…just, do it quietly, okay?"

"Sure! So one night when my family and I were gathered ‘round the dinner table…"

* * *

Down in the basement of a small and falling-apart apartment building, the Black Dogs had made their headquarters. A couple of lightbulbs were attached to the ceiling, and currently the floor was strewn with all sorts of technological equipment. In the middle of it all was what appeared to be a laser weapon of some sort. And sticking out of this weapon was a pair of feet.

Switch backed out of the machine and held up a circuit board. He turned off the flashlight attached to his head and pulled on his magnifying goggles, examining the board and the wires attached to it.

"An impressive piece of work, I’d say," he said.

Scout looked up from the pistol she was modifying. "I’m just surprised that the Boss gave you the task of upgrading it. You’d think he’d prefer someone within his organization."

Switch took a deep breath and blew some dust from the underside of the board. "Well, he knows we have a reputation for doing a good job." Taking a satisfied swipe of it with a rag, he smiled. "We have a reputation to uphold, after all."

"Besides," came another voice, "I’m sure he doesn’t like trusting too many people in his own organization." Shade smirked. "With his recent losses to the Argonauts, he’s starting to be seen as a weak leader. And when the leader of a group like that starts to appear weak…" He shrugged. "I’m sure lots of people are looking for the chance to backstab him."

Scout smiled wryly and placed one hand on her hip. "Another insightful speech from our own intrepid leader." She raised one eyebrow. "I’m sure you’re not going to let that happen anytime soon."

Shade merely smiled.

* * *

"…but the filing cabinets didn’t contain anything interesting, except for a series of e-mails regarding some genetic splicing experiments," Pouch said.

"Genetic splicing?" Super Jen crinkled her nose. "Not good."

"I don’t like the sound of that," Seeker said. "Evil villains shouldn’t have their hands on such technology."

Kuni-chan lifted her hand and gave a tiny "Hweet?" of curiosity.

Flip squealed in delight and picked up the tiny mascot. "We don’t mean you, of course! We’re glad that you were made!"

Seeker looked at the winged hedgehog. "That’s right! Kuni-chan was, in all likelihood, the result of genetic splicing."

"Or maybe a rooster laid an egg that was sat on by a hedgehog." Super Jen scratched her head. "Making Kuni-chan the cutest darn basilisk I’ve ever seen. Well, the only basilisk I’ve ever seen. Because, if I’d seen another, I’d probably be dead right now, and—"

"Jen, you’re babbling again," Brian said.

"Sorry."

They continued down the hallway in silence for a few minutes. Then, Brian turned to Pouch. "Hey, when you were sorting through the files, did you happen to find…"

"To find…?"

Brian leaned in conspiratorially. "A recipe for egg salad sandwiches?"

Everyone face-faulted.

"Hey, guys, we’re coming up to a door!" Seeker said. It was a rounded, vault-like door that looked like it had attached to it most of the locks in the free world.

"Seeker, can you handle this?"

"No prob." Seeker brought down the Gensokaze’s visor. The inside began to display various charts and numbers, analyzing the different electronic and magnetic locks. But the displays wavered and, in a moment, gave way to static. Seeker frowned and retracted the visor, and activated his shoulder-mounted missiles, hoping to blast the door to Kraft (TM) Smitherinis.

Error> Left Missile Ejector Closed

Error> Right Missile Ejector Damaged

Seeker looked to either side. The Gensokaze had taken more damage than he’d estimated, from the battle with the final Minion. The left shoulder’s missile ejector had been fused shut from the laser blasts, and the right side carried a nasty dent that was preventing it from working properly.

"Damn it. No good." He brought up a damage report to try to avoid any future unpleasant surprises, but even that display came up flickering and static-filled. "The Gensokaze’s too damaged to be any use right now. Its mobility is still operational, and the mostly-intact armor will help protect me, but that’s about it."

"Which means…"

"Which means, that we’re going to have to do this the hard way: manually."

"Manually?!" Brian panicked. "Can we, the college generation, understand manual effort in this modern era of cell phones and insta-matic food?!"

"Um, yeah," Super Jen said.

"Oh right. Sounds good."

Flip and Seeker moved forward to try to decode the locks (which wasn’t all that impossible, seeing as Seeker knew his technology, and Flip was a Computer Science major). Meanwhile, Pouch took out his sword and began slashing at a lot of the locks. Between the three of them, they managed to slice, hack, and deactivate all of the locks. Then came the final problem: the huge steel door just sat there.

"If I try to hotwire the opening mechanism, it’ll set off an alarm," Seeker said, examining the wires behind the panel.

Super Jen stepped forward. "Leave this to me," she said. She leaned all of her weight against the door and pushed hard to the side. The door didn’t budge. She tried pulling it aside, but still it didn’t even wobble from its place.

"Um, Jen," Seeker offered, "shouldn’t we be helping? I mean, no offense, but you’re not exactly the strongest person here."

"I know!" Super Jen said, pushing and pulling in all sorts of directions. "I know I won’t open it on my own."

"Then why—"

"I’m trying to get myself angry!" She pulled out her umbrella and beat on the door, frustrated. Finally, she stepped back. Suddenly, her head was filling the room. "MOVE, you stupid door!" she exclaimed.

The door meekly sweatdropped and pulled aside.

The other Argonauts peeked inside and looked around. "Well," Pouch said, "zat ees vun vay of doink it…"

Super Jen exhaled, satisfied. "Now that was refreshing!"

Inside was a small catwalk that had stairs leading down to…a huge vault-like laboratory filled with scientists. As one, they all looked up to see the new arrivals. Then…they went back to whatever they were doing.

"Typical nerds," Super Jen said. "Nothing short of a nuclear blast will break their attention."
"And sometimes, not even that," Brian added. "We speak from personal experience."

There was a pause as all five Argonauts became lost in reverie, remembering the hours spent staring at computer screens and anime.

Suddenly, Kuni-chan looked up and squealed, hiding behind Flip and shaking.

"What is it?" Flip asked, reaching for the scared hedgehog. "Are you scared? It’s just a laboratory. It’s okay."

"Hwee!!" She clung to the back of his cape, trying to bury herself in its folds.

"Something’s spooked her," Super Jen said. "Maybe she doesn’t like this place." She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "It does smell all chemically and stuff."

Flip pulled Kuni-chan gently away from his cape and held her in his hands. She looked up at him, and her eyes got all watery and her nose started to wiggle. "Ooh, look at her, she’s so cute!" he sighed. "Aren’t you? Aren’t you just the cutest thing?"

"Um, Flip, you might want to stop with the cute-cute talk," Super Jen said. "I think Brian’s having seizures."

By this time, activity in the lab had all but stopped. The Argonauts looked up at the sound of loud roars and screeches coming from the side of the huge vault-like laboratory. Scientists were rushing to that side, tapping on consoles and checking what looked like monitoring charts. One of the scientists, a college boy with a sallow complexion, looked from the holding chambers to the Argonauts, and back at the holding chambers. His eyes narrowed. He stepped towards the stairs and headed up towards the Argonauts, keeping his strange eyes focused on them. It was an odd stare, focused and at the same time blank and oddly jittery, like he was paying complete attention to a million things and nothing all at once. It was like watching a locomotive steaming along on a wobbly track, but every time you try to get a good look at it, it keeps blurring and you wonder if it’s maybe one car short of a full train; in fact, maybe it isn’t really a train at all. And then you realize that the mere thought of the train creeps you out, and you want to slowly back off of the track before it hits you.

He stopped several stairs short of them, and his eyes—which had deep circles under them, the mark of someone who rarely sees daylight—jumped from their faces to someplace beyond their shoulders, then onto Kuni-chan, still nestled fearfully in Flip’s arms.

"That one!" he hissed.

Flip blinked. "Kuni-chan?"

"That’s the mistake!" the boy continued. "A simple miscalculation in the genetic coding led to that…that monstrosity!"

Flip narrowed his eyes. "Dennis?" he asked.

The boy turned his blank gaze on the Argonaut. "Yeah?"

"Guys," Brian said, "it’s that weird kid who lives in Schwartz…you know, the one you sometimes see eating in the corner at McFinley’s. He spends all his time muttering about pipe bombs and stuff."

"Oh yeah," Super Jen said. "I remember I sat next to him once in English class." She shuddered. "He caught my eye and he wouldn’t shut up!" She glared at Dennis. "How can you be so mean? Kuni-chan is cute and harmless. How can she be a monstrosity?"

Dennis shuddered. "She…came out good."

"She came out…good?"

"They were all supposed to be evil and dangerous…" Dennis said. "But she alone, due to a fault in the genetic coding, came out cute and pleasant." He frowned, glaring at Kuni-chan, who squealed and tried to bury herself in Flip’s arms. Suddenly, he lunged forward and grabbed the hedgehog away.

"Hey!" But before anyone could do anything, he’d jumped down the stairs to the first landing, and turned and threw something at them. It was a small home-made bomb. The explosion threw the Argonauts off of the narrow catwalk to fall to the laboratory below. Seeker’s jet packs were mostly undamaged, and managed to sputter a few times in order to slow down his descent. Super Jen, stunned by the blast, only barely managed to open her umbrella at the last minute; but it was full of holes and slightly bent from the previous battle, and it only slowed her a little. She landed on the ground hard, but not hard enough to do any permanent damage. Flip managed to balance himself and land gracefully on the floor, followed—slightly less gracefully—by Pouch, who managed to hit the ground rolling. Brian landed on a pile of pillows that hadn’t been there a moment before.

While they were recovering from the fall, Dennis had gotten to the bottom of the stairs and rushed by them, carrying a whimpering Kuni-chan. "Capture them!" he called to the other scientists. "We’ll use them for genetic material."

"But I don’t wanna be a chimera!" Brian whined. "Use Zelgadis!"

"Rezo already used him," Dennis said.

"Oh, yeah."

Flip posed dramatically as several scientists began to approach. "You will not capture us that easily," he said, just as lightning flashed in the distance, and the lights flickered briefly.

That was about when the tranquilizer dart hit him in the back of the shoulder. He turned around and grimaced, pulling it out and glaring at the scientist behind him. Leaping forward, he yanked the dart gun out of the man’s hand; the scientist took one look at the shadowy avenger towering above him and fainted.

A spray of darts was released towards the entire group of superheroes. Flip backflipped out of the way easily; Seeker was protected by his armor; Pouch deflected them with a twirl of his sword. Super Jen held up her umbrella in order to fly out of the way; in its damaged state, it only managed to pull her up a couple of meters, and none too fast, at that. She grimaced as one of the darts hit her leg.

"Brian? Did you get hit?" Pouch looked around. "Brian?" He spotted their leader pawing through some papers at the opposite end of the laboratory.

He looked up when he heard his name called. "Huh?"

The scientists turned and looked at Brian, wondering how he’d gotten over to the other side of the laboratory without them seeing him. "Who was keeping an eye on him?" one of them asked. "I don’t know—I thought you were." "But I thought you were." "I wasn’t the one watching him…"

"Well, he’s over there now," Dennis said, trying to hold down Kuni-chan, who was struggling to escape. "Somebody had better get him—!" But he was abruptly cut off as Flip’s hand came down on the back of his neck, knocking him down.

Flip reached down to retrieve Kuni-chan, when a series of pinpricks shot into his back. The scientists had taken the opportunity to shoot him with more darts. Already he was beginning to feel disoriented, but he forced himself to turn around and knock the guns out of the hands of a few scientists. He noticed others being tossed aside, and could hear someone screaming.

"Who shot me in the leg?! I HATE needles!!" Angry Jen was using her umbrella like a club, knocking various scientists upside the head. But her attacks were getting weaker; even as Angry Jen, she was smaller and didn’t have nearly the physical metabolism that Flip did. In a moment, she had collapsed.

Flip reached for his utility belt (no Dark Avenger of the Night is without one!) and opened the case of anti-toxins, hoping to buy himself some time; but with a handful of needles already in him, he could barely move his fingers to get the small pills out. He managed to get one into his mouth, but that wasn’t enough in time, and he collapsed to the floor. The scientists quickly overran him like ants.

"Super Jen! Flip!" Brian called. He ‘ulped’ and backed away when the scientists turned to glare at him, aiming their dart guns at him. Seeker and Pouch caught up with him.

"Um…"

"Vhat should vee do now?"

"Run," Seeker said quietly. "Now. I’ll cover you."

The remaining Argonauts bolted, trying to find any sort of cover in the laboratory. Seeker ran behind them, taking all the shots (which broke or bounced harmlessly off the Gensokaze). "Quick, behind that devide!" Pouch said, pointing ahead of them. They dove behind a makeshift divider and onto a platform.

"We’re safe, for now," Seeker said. "We have to come up with a plan—" He was cut off as a high-pitched humming sounded, and the platform beneath them began to glow. Seeker’s eyes widened. "Guys, this is a—molecular transpor—*"

The three of them vanished. Then they reappeared—in a funny smelling bedroom. They stood up and looked around.

"I don’t think thees ees part of zee lab, no?" Pouch said, looking around.

"Hey, this is a dorm room! In Schwartz hall!" Brian exclaimed. The walls were bare of posters, the bulletin board was full of notes and memos, and the bedsheets were only half on the mattress, as if the occupant of the room had started to put them on and just hadn’t bothered finishing.

Brian moved aside some papers that were strewn on the floor. "Hey," he said, flipping through some old tests, "this is Dennis’s room!"

"Maybe we can find something interesting in here," Seeker said, shuffling through the papers covering his desk.

Pouch moved towards the dresser, but thought better of it and started rooting around on the floor. "Hmm…plastic explosives, household cleaners, pieces of pipes and wiring…yup, classic case of Way Too Much Time On His Hands."

Brian flipped through a thick packet of papers pinned to the wall, then made a disgusted sound and jumped back. "Eww!"

"What is it, Brian?" Seeker asked.

"Ken Starr report," he replied, and shuddered.

"What kind of person would not only download, but print out the Ken Starr report and pin it to his wall?" Pouch asked.

"Trust me," Seeker said, "you don’t wanna even know what’s on his hard drive."

All three of them shuddered.

Seeker continued to tap away at the keyboard. "However," he said, "there are some interesting things of note. It seems he has detailed information on all of the research the Boss is currently funding. Including genetic research: a Splicers project of some kind. It seems they’re focusing on splicing various animals together to create living weapons." Seeker frowned. "I don’t need to tell you how bad that can be."

"Well, download it and save it to disk," Brian said, pulling a diskette out of his jacket and handing it to Seeker. "It never hurts to save things to disk."

"Ooh, it hoits, it hoits!" a teenage hoodlum mocked, stumbling into the room.

"Hey, you’re in the wrong show!" Pouch said.

The teenager, who was wearing an orange shirt and scuffed jeans, looked confused. "Isn’t this ‘West Side Story’?"

"Um, noooo…." Brian said. "You’re not even close. This is Argonauts Episode #14, Geeks and Freaks. Take #11."

"Really?" the teenager asked. "That many takes, just to get one episode?"

"Well," Seeker said, "Pouch kept screwing up the lines…"

"I could not help eet!" Pouch said. "I could not read zee cue cardz zhat vhere all wreeten in zee gypzee accent!"

"But—hold on," Brian said. "Author-sama is waving frantically at us and pointing at the next cue card…‘End…scene’?"

"Yeah, I think we’ve pretty much run this into the ground."

"After all, you know what they say…in comedy, timing is everything."

"Yup, this is kind of getting silly—"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the laboratory, Flip opened his eyes only slightly, becoming aware of his surroundings. He was strapped to a table of some kind, that was set at a slight incline. Somehow, it reminded him of an evil dentist’s office, only without the cheezy muzak playing. Slowly, carefully, not wanting to alert anyone to his being awake, he tested the strength of his restraints. Tough leather. This might take a little time—

Suddenly, a high-pitched whine cut through the air. Kuni-chan! Forgetting about stealth, he opened his eyes wide and tried to sit up. He could see, nearby, a group of scientists huddled around a small cage, where the winged hedgehog crouched, whining piteously in fear. "Kuni-chan!" he exclaimed.

Some of the scientists turned to look at him, but went back to looking at Kuni-chan. After a moment, Dennis appeared. "Begin testing that thing. We thought to get rid of her in the warehouse, but since she’s back here, we might as well get some use out of her." He pulled out a very painful-looking syringe. "Get the cardiograph out here; increase the Flash Gordon noise, and put more science stuff around."

"Yes, sir!"

"Leave her alone!" Super Jen cried, having just regained consciousness. On the table next to hers, Flip was pulling at his leather restraints.

"Oh, yeah," Dennis said, "you can start taking cell samples from them." He nodded in the direction of the two Argonauts.

Some of the scientists turned to them and lifted up all manner of whirring, jabbing instruments. Stepping to either side of the tables, they leaned forward to poke and prod and pierce…

That was when another large set of doors burst open from an underground tunnel, and an unmarked van peeled in, its tires screeching. There was a moment of silence as the van came to a stop and someone opened the passenger-side door, leaning out and surveying the area.

"Did we interrupt anything?" Scout, of the Black Dogs, asked. Rock was in the driver’s seat, his large shoulders and hands looking absurdly over-sized for the van’s small cabin. The van’s back doors opened, and Shade and Switch stepped out, lowering a small ramp and leading out the laser cannon. Scout pulled out a clipboard and flipped through a few pages. "One upgraded AA-315 laser cannon, to be delivered to the Splicers group via the specified underground tunnel after certain modifications."

"Right on schedule," Dennis said, stepping forward to examine the item in question. He ran his hand along the various tubes and wires. "Beautiful. It seems like you’ve replaced all of those clumsy low-grade transducers."

Switch nodded. "It’s now about 50% more efficient, and I’ve upped its accuracy, cleaned up the bugs in its master control unit, and just for the hell of it, I added a digital clock."

"Well, I really don’t see the necessity of—" Dennis began.

"Everything could use a digital clock," Rock said loudly and firmly.

"—On second thought, it was a good final touch," he finished.

"Shall we begin work on preparing the laser for use in the Boss’s plans, sir?" one of the scientists asked.

Dennis thought a minute. "Well, let’s test it first. After you finish taking samples from those two Argonauts, let’s use this thing to get rid of them."

"Yes, sir."

There was a sound of ominous music in the distance, and the camera closed in on Flip’s and Super Jen’s surprised expressions.

There was a sudden whoosh, Brian, Pouch and Seeker appeared back on the transporter pad. "Luckily for us," Brian said, "there happened to be a conveniently-placed transporter hidden in Dennis’s closet. Under several piles of plastic explosives and a case of non-dairy creamer."

"On second thought," Shade said, "why don’t we test it on the Argonauts who aren’t strapped down?" He nodded at Switch, who turned the laser around and aimed it at the three on the transporter pad.

It was that crucial distraction that cost them. With a burst of strength, Flip tore through the leather restraints and leapt into action, tackling the three scientists closest to him. Alerted by the noise, Switch turned away from the other three Argonauts, who took the opportunity to split up and get out of range of the laser cannon.

After tossing aside the scientists like so many rag dolls, Flip opened Kuni-chan’s cage and pulled the frightened mascot out, giving her a brief reassuring hug.

"Don’t concern yourself too much with me," Super Jen said sarcastically. Just around that time, another scientist loomed over her, holding up a whirring circular hand-saw and smiling dementedly. Super Jen took this opportunity to start screaming very loudly. She pulled and kicked at her restraints, but it was all to no avail. The blade came closer, closer—

The scientist slumped to the ground, unconscious. Pouch pulled out his sword and severed the leather straps. "You are all right, no?" he asked.

"Well, thankfully I’m not missing any limbs," she said.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Seeker was trying to hold his own with minimal weapons capabilities. "No good," he said. "I can’t fix the Gensokaze right now, and I don’t have access to my others."

Brian grinned. "Of course you do. Here," and he picked up a handy telephone and dialed a number, handing the receiver to Seeker. Pulling out a pad and pencil, he wrote something down and showed it to Seeker. "Here, when it picks up, read this."

Sure enough, after a few rings, the answering machine in Seeker’s underground hangar/garage picked up. When it beeped, Seeker squinted at the pad and shrugged. "Um, ‘Blathering blatherskite’?"

The Soyokaze, currently resting next to the answering machine, whirred to life, zooming out of the hangar. In less than two minutes, it had tracked him down to the underground laboratory, blasting its way through when no passages were readily apparent. It came to a stop right in front of Seeker who, along with Brian, was removing an anvil from his head. Seeker removed the Gensokaze and jumped into the Soyokaze, readying himself in the cockpit. "Ready!"

"Ready for this?!" Switch cried, aiming the laser cannon at the two.

"I’d ask that same question myself," Flip said, hitting the Black Dog over the head. The hacker slumped over the machine, unconscious.

"Not so fast, Argonauts!" Dennis exclaimed, hitting a switch. "Let’s see how well you do facing my pets!" He frowned. "And I don’t really appreciate you going through my closet," he added.

Suddenly, the plexiglass walls of the holding chambers slid open, and all manner of strange-looking creatures sprang forth. "Ha!" Dennis cheered. "See how a genetically engineered creature is supposed to be? Deadly…and evil!"

They were chimera of the worst sort. There was a boa constrictor with wings, an oversized, two-headed Komodo dragon, a fanged sheep with a lizard’s tail, a shetland pony with compound eyes and eight large spider legs, and various other things that squeaked, screeched, shrieked, hissed, spat and clawed. In a tidal wave of fangs and claws, they lunged forward at the Argonauts.

"Thees shouldn’t be too hard, no?" Pouch said, jumping forward with his sword. He managed to cut off a couple of the pony’s legs, but it opened its mouth and released a spray of sticky strands, catching Pouch and causing him to topple over.

"Eek! EEEEEKK!!!!" Super Jen eek’ed, trying to keep back several mutated reptiles with her umbrella. One of the komodo dragon’s heads swung at her, knocking her umbrella out of her hand to land clattering some distance away.

"Don’t panic!" Seeker said, using the Soyokaze’s missiles to push back the spider-pony, and ripping Pouch free of the webbing. "If we work together, we should be able to take these things!"

Flip kicked a couple of the creatures away, but was beset by a lion with a scorpion’s tail. It lunged at him, its long and sharp-looking claws slashing at his chest. Jumping back to avoid its attacks, he pulled out a boken and hit it on the shoulder, hoping to slow it down. The quasi-manticore shook its shoulder and roared, going in for another attack, pouncing on Flip and knocking him onto the ground. The Argonaut kicked the beast off, and readied himself for another attack, this time lunging at it himself and punching it in the head. The lion roared. Flip grabbed it in a stranglehold, hoping to knock it unconscious, but the thing’s poisonous scorpion tail threatened dangerously. Somehow, he had to nullify the tail. Rushing it from the side, he knocked the lion over onto its back; ignoring the claws ripping into his shoulders, he tried another stranglehold. Helpless, the lion eventually slumped to the ground.

Pouch was now back-to-back with Seeker; the former was hitting anything that came at him with the flat of his sword, and the latter was blasting everything else with all the weapons he could muster. Super Jen was keeping several of the monsters back with her annoyed glare; most of them, sporting large sweatdrops, were skirting her quietly. Brian, however, had been caught in Dennis’s attention radius and was attempting futilely to escape from a long dissertation on why the weapons employed in Star Trek: The Next Generation episode 57 would be unfeasible according to the laws of modern physics, and how he would alter those weapons so that they could actually work. Under such influence, Brian was rapidly collapsing from sheer mental pain.

Pouch took out the monster sheep and two twisted and evil puppy dogs; Seeker blasted the boa constrictor and zapped the komodo dragon(s) with enough electricity to knock them out, and used a flare bomb to confuse the creatures that were flapping in the air above him, releasing a net to bring them down to the ground. Between them and Flip, the creatures were eventually pushed back and stopped.

Dennis grinned. "You may have stopped them," he said, snorting in amusement, his eyes continuing to flick nervously around the lab, "but I still have your leader trapped!"

"Um, I have to get to class…yeah, that’s it…" Brian hedged, trying to slip away.

"But you haven’t said your opinions on the thermo-laser I’ve designed. Now, given that the transistors still need to be upped in efficiency and the CPU has to be modified to accommodate the larger input—that’s what happens when you try to program a weapon in Fortran, heh heh—don’t you think that—"

Suddenly, Kuni-chan leapt from her place clinging to Flip’s shoulder and latched onto Dennis’s face, clawing and screeching at him. He fell back, screaming, trying to peel the avenging hedgehog away. With a last angry yelp, she came loose. Dennis held his face and tossed Kuni-chan away, falling to his knees.

Brian posed dramatically. "Another triumph for the forces of—"

"Hold it right there!" came another voice. "Don’t anyone move!" It was Switch; he and the other Black Dogs were at the controls of the laser cannon—which was pointed directly at the Argonauts.

"Ouch. You know," Brian said, "you really know how to put a downer on what started out to be a really good day."

"Well," Shade said, "we’re just like that. Switch, fire."

Switch pulled the lever. The tubes in the laser cannon began to glow, one by one.

There was a high-pitched humming, and a large beam of blue light shot from the glowing end. The Argonauts barely managed to leap to the side, to avoid being blown away. However, a large section of the laboratory in the beam’s direct path was reduced to ashes.

"Damn, missed," Switch said. He repositioned the cannon, trying to get a lock on any of the Argonauts. The target centered on Brian and Pouch.

Suddenly, Super Jen leaped to the side and dove for her umbrella. "It’s already trashed," she muttered under her breath, and ran for the cannon. Just as the tubes started lighting up, she leaped in front of it, and rammed her umbrella into the thing. There was a jolt of electricity, a flash of light, and the cannon exploded.

When the smoke cleared, the Black Dogs were peeling out in their van; Shade leaned out of one window and glared at the Argonauts, waving his fist in the ground. "You haven’t seen the last of us!" he cried.

The smoking husk of the laser cannon still crackled and spurted, and the umbrella—most of its cloth sail burned away—stuck out of the front. Super Jen removed it and stared at it, and looked half like she wanted to beat someone up, and half like she wanted to cry.

"Hey," Brian said, "where’s Dennis?"

"There!" Seeker said, pointing. "He’s gotten to the transporter pad—"

The scientist with the frantic eyes had already disappeared by the time Seeker had finished his sentence. They followed, and the transporter sent them back to Mitchell’s room. Of course, now with all five Argonauts (one in a power suit), the room was a bit crowded. They found Dennis slumped in his chair in front of the computer, the glow from the screen highlighting his sallow face oddly.

"So, you’ve won this round, Argonauts," he said. "As for me, well, I have better things to do." He continued to stare at the computer screen; he seemed to be leaning forward slightly.

"Can you tell us how to get to the Boss?" Super Jen asked.

"As if," Dennis said, snorting. He was leaning closer; his eyes widened, as if trying to take in every individual pixel on the screen.

"Hey, what are—" Brian began.

But he never finished. Dennis’s whole body began to glow, and in an instant he was pulled into the computer screen.

"He—he was sucked in!" Flip said. "He was too obsessed with that thing—probing where no human should go."

"In the end," Super Jen said, "we computer geeks must be vigilant to avoid that same fate. We must be aware that there is more to life than computers and plastic explosives."

"Although that’s a big part of it," Brian added. "Well, minus the plastic explosives part. That kid was messed up." He adjusted his jacked. "It just goes to show that love will always triumph over friendship."

"Um, Brian," Seeker pointed out, "that really doesn’t make sense…"

"Doesn’t it, Seeker?" Brian said, half-thoughtfully. "Doesn’t it? I’ll leave you to decide on that. But for now…we have a Boss to defeat."

The five Argonauts stood quietly in the pile of papers and wiring, bracing themselves for the worst.

Author’s Notes:

Yeah, you know him. That one kid who always sits in the back of the class, muttering to himself. Sometimes you see him in the corner of your eye; you hope he doesn’t come over and sit at your table during lunch. Everyone knows someone like that. I hope I’ve captured him well in this story.

Bonus points to whomever could find the MST3K reference; another bonus point if you can guess where the "Blathering Blatherskite" reference is from. Next episode: the final showdown! Will the Argonauts emerge triumphant? Will they be defeated, and the city fallen to a tyrannical ruler? Will Brian ever find a recipe for egg salad sandwiches? Find out next time on…The Argonauts!

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