All that Matters

THE AMERICAN SIGHED AT THE computer screen, at the reflection in it. Neither of them had spoken. The redhead had already been in their room when he entered.(1) The young man sat cross-legged on his bed staring, just staring at him for what seemed like an eternity. Only it could not have been because his watch read 11:45PM; he had started working straight after dinner. He silently wondered what he wanted. Does he not have anything better to do? Weiß is out there. Weiß... His fingers paused over the keyboard. A threat, he decided. A minor threat, but nonetheless...

'...Something to take account of.' A voice broke through his broodings, finishing off his sentence of thought.

'Schuldich, quit it,' He's tone was flat, his heart, pounding. 'We have a job to do, so stop reading my thoughts and do something constructive for a change.'(2) He closed his eyes, regulated his breathing, and tried to blank everything out of his mind, especially Him.

And Crawford failed.

Sweet, mocking laughter echoed from behind him. 'But I am doing something constructive.' There was a shifting noise from Schuldich's bed. Two arms found themselves around his shoulders. 'I am reading you as you read. Everything you find out, I do, too.' He felt that hot breath blowing softly in his ear. The young man's face was close, too close.

'Brad?'

'Hmm?' He turned his head quickly, a slow blush spreading across his cheeks. As if sensing his unease the other man removed his arms.

'Doushitanda, Brad?' Is anything wrong, Brad? Schuldich smiled at Crawford and leaned back on the table edge. He pressed his palms against the smooth surface. There is something bothering him. Brad just sat there, looking back at him, his expression cold and still. We knew each other since reform- no, pre-school. He has never acted like this before. It's as if he does not want me around him any more(3).

Crawford looked up at him and suddenly caught a fleeting image of the future.(4)

He blinked.

And blinked again.

I am crazy, He told himself. And sick. And seeing things. The irony of it did not escape him nor did he find it amusing. It could never happen, to me.

'Nani yo? What could never happen?' Schuldich moved closer to him, his azure eyes curious, searching for an unspoken answer behind those brown eyes.

Crawford tore his gaze away from him, burnt. He stood abruptly. 'Dame re, Schuldich. Please, stop. I do not feel comfortable with you prying into my thoughts.' When you are in my very thoughts. The moment it left his lips, the moment he saw the change in the younger man's expression, he regretted it.

'So that is what is bothering you.' His brow knit into a frown. 'Prying, huh? ...Gomen ne.' He is tired of me, sick of putting up with me. His voice became bitterer with every word that left his lips. 'You could have told me if that is how you feel. If I knew you thought I was prying, I would have stop. We have known each other for so long; we never kept secrets away from each other before.' His head was lowered now, and his fringe obscured his face. Crawford could not see the tears threatening to spill out from the corners of his eyes. He hates me. I drive him crazy.(5)

Although Crawford did not see those tears, he knew they would soon be rolling down the German's cheeks. He did not want to see that happen. 'Baka,' He replied, more to himself then to Schuldich. 'I did not mean that.' He silently screamed at himself for hurting the feelings of this man before him. The man that he... what? What did he feel for Schuldich?

Schuldich lifted his head quickly, shaking his head. 'You don't have to explain. I understand what you mean.' The redhead tried to smile as though he was not effected, but his eyes were glazed with withheld tears.

The American was baffled. 'You do?' He did not even understand what he felt for the younger man!

'Of course! You are tired of me,' Schuldich continued, speaking quickly, 'But you are just too nice to tell that baka who has followed you since pre-school to go away and leave you alone.' Having said that, a single tear rolled down his face. He turned away quickly, heading for their bathroom. 'Gomen, Brad... I really am...'

Crawford was speechless. What have I done? What have I said? His mind was a mess. He stared at the closing door. Suddenly, it occurred to him that if that door closed, what ever he had ever had between them would be ruined forever. No. Nothing but that! He threw himself at the door.

Literally.

* * *

The German had leant back onto the door to close it when it pushed him forward. He barely missed the counter opposite, crashing into the porcelain sink, if not onto the tile floor. With eyes still wet with tears, Schuldich turned to face the intruder. 'What do you want, Brad?' His shoulders slumped as though in defeat. Crawford stood silently at the doorway. There was so much both wanted to say to the other, to hear from the other's lips.

'I want...' why was it so hard? 'It is not how you think, Schuldich. I am not tired of our friendship, of you. I just...' I do not want to risk loosing what I have with you. He really wanted to say it, wanted Schuldich to reach once more into his mind and understand. He wanted Schuldich to hold him in his arms, to smile, and tell him that everything was all right, and he would never leave him alone.

But Schuldich did none of that. He was waiting for Crawford to finish and let him cry in peace. He did not fully understand yet why Crawford's words effected him so deeply. Nor did he want to now as the American spoke to him. So he only listened.

And they were falling, softly falling. Even as he spoke, like morning dew, those tears were falling. 'Do not cry. I cannot bear to see you cry.' Crawford walked close to Schuldich, cupping the younger man's face in his two hands. He saw it again, that fleeting image, that vision. But now it was no longer a vision. Now Schuldich was before him; now is the time to bring that image life.

Crawford kissed away the other man's tears, adoring that little gasp of surprise. Looking down at him now, Schuldich seemed much younger then before, a lost, crying boy who had needed someone's love and care. The boy opened his mouth to speak, but he placed a finger on his lips and silenced him. 'Shh... ', He brought his face close and pressed his lips against the boy's. Schuldich tensed momentarily, but then relaxed a started, slowly, to respond. Crawford was the first to pull back. He allowed himself a genuine smile. 'Just for now, I want you to know, I love you.'

He watched intently for Schuldich's reaction. At first there was no apparent change in the man's facial expression and for a moment Crawford panicked. An annoying little voice at the back of his head told him, maybe you were wrong, baka. Maybe he doesn't feel the same as you do. It was laughing. And when Schuldich took a step backwards, turning away from him, his world crashed around him.

The redhead touched his fingers to his moist lips, feeling a rush of heat creeping on his cheeks. He said he...

The American was on edge. He turned away. Oh, shit. And that taunting voice rang even louder. Shut up, you. He couldn't deny the feeling of those lips moving against his. The other man did feel something for him. He was sure of it, aren't I?

...He loves me. Schuldich was afraid to move. He wondered if that was what he also felt for Crawford. Is that Love? He remembered the time he woke up one night, sensing that Crawford was in some sort of trouble. They were still in boarding school. It was the night he found Crawford sitting outside against the wall of the school dorm. It was very much past their bedtime. He had looked up then, and smiled quite calmly at the young redhead looking out the window. 'What took you so long?' As if he had known that Schuldich would open the window and let him in.(6)

The longer the man just stood there, the longer it tormented Crawford. Just do something, his mind screamed. Turn around and call me a pervert! Punch me! Kick me where it hurts! Do something! He finally decided he had just made the biggest mistake of his life, not only ruining his chances of anything with Schuldich but also traumatizing the man and altogether ruining their friendship in the process. The computer converted to screensaver mode at the back of his mind.

Had he been more alert, he would have been relieved to know that in the next moment Schuldich would turn around and tell him-

'Brad. Dai suki.'

It took a lot of strength to say that, but Crawford had done it, and so could he. But now what? Brad had the most confounded look on his face that would have made Schuldich laugh if the situation was not so seriously important. He nibbled nervously on his bottom lip; eyes fixed on Crawford's face.

His lips parted, but no sound came out.

So he tried again.

The only coherent word that got past his lips was, 'Why?'

Why? What does he mean why? Schuldich gaped at him, speechless. He thinks I pity him! 'B-because... I do. We have been together for almost forever. I can't imagine my life without you.' He did not know how to make that man understand; it was so hard, and on such short notice! He had just confessed his feelings not only to Crawford, but also to himself.

'You... depend on me.' Crawford kept his expression carefully neutral, but his eyes betrayed him, filled with pain and sadness. The words tumbled off his tongue in monotone.

'No! I mean, yes.' The redhead's answer was rushed, rather distressed. 'I mean, all those years we have grown up together, we were like brothers, soul mates even. I guess I always thought we could only be brothers, so I never dared hoped for more, but, Brad, I need you. I need you, because you're the one light in my life. You're the only person who knows all my secrets, dreams and fears, as I do yours. And now that I know you feel the same way I need you more then ever. Because I love you.' Those last words were softly spoken but Crawford was stunned by the emotion within them.

'But... I'm a man.'

'...So? So am I.'

'...Schuldich...'

'Oh, Brad...' The man came closer; two hands held his in a tight grasp. Two blue eyes stared up into his, sparkling with mischief. Schuldich leaned forward suddenly and kissed him, quick and dry. Then, before he had a chance to respond, those lips were gone, alone with those hands.

'You saw this coming.' The redhead had stepped out of the bathroom, looking back at him knowingly from the doorway. 'But then you thought it could never happen to you.'

'Aa.'

Schuldich sighed. 'You shouldn't doubt your ability. Always trust your instincts.' He lay down on his bed, staring at the smooth, clean ceiling. Heard Crawford walking out from the bathroom. Tried to ignore that warm, heady feeling. 'Isn't that what you always tell me?'

'Aa.'

He focused on the far corner of the ceiling, eyes avoiding Crawford. Schuldich was vaguely aware of what the American now wanted, and he silently admitted to himself that he was scared. He had spent the last three minutes or so declaring his undying love for Crawford. But can I give him what he wants? What if that's all he wants from me? He chided himself for thinking like a nervous, love struck virgin. What am I talking about? I am a...

The screen saver did come on. Crawford turned his attention from the computer screen to the prone figure on the bed.

Footnotes:
1. Yeah, you'd think the boys would get their own rooms and all, working as bodyguards for that rich *mutters* (bastard) *grumble* Rehji Takatori, but No~

2. Schuldich is a rather 'gifted' child. So he happened to be 22, but who gives?? Anyway, he has this uncanny ability of being able to enter a person's mind without so much of a look *although in Crawford's case, he likes to ^^;;*, and find out what they are thinking, what they know, and even their greatest fears. On the bright side, Schuldie-kun would also be a great lover, knowing exactly what you want and how to get what HE wants. ^__^

3. Now, in this case, Schuldich is a bit slow... *ducks incoming cabbages and tomatos from Schuldie-kun's fans* Hey! Hey, I'm one of you!!
Yohji: *tips his sunglasses* 'What?? I thought you like me best!'
Well yeah, I-I do, but... Uh!! ><;; BACK to the POINT. I'd say that since Crawford's pretty disturbed with his desires... heh heh... um, Schuldie-kun prolly took it the wrong way. *shrugs* Take that how you will.

4. Oh, and yes, Brad Crawford, is also a gifted member of the cast. There are three in total but the last one comes later. ^_^ Crawford, apparently, has this ability to see things that will happen some time soon. So, minna-san, you will find out soon enough. ^_~

5. It is not how you think it is, Schuldie-kun!! Oh, you poor, poor misguided youth.

6. It's another fic. Later! I promise! ^_~

*grin* Like it? Like it? There is more to come. So until then, I leave the rest up to your fruitful imagination, minna-san. ^_~** Ano... I know, I make Crawford seem like a self-doubting, self-criticizing workaholic. I like him that way: insecure but strong willed and usually quite realistic and down to Earth. ^__^;;