A MATCHMAKER IN TOKYO
PART FIVE: It's Written in the Stars
(Ryoga and Akane sit tensely next to each other on a narrow bench. They are a few miles off the
fair grounds, in a secluded section of the park overlooking the lake. Both stare into the calm,
blue waters, lost in thought.)
AKANE: [I guess I never thought about it before, but the idea's not so far-fetched. I mean, I've
known Ryoga for some time now, and he's always been very sweet and considerate. Definitely unlike
Ranma. So, there could be worse people for me to- to-]
RYOGA: [To think Akane would ask me out like this...right after the fortune teller told me that I
should finally tell her how I feel. What she said is true! I've been a coward not to tell Akane
of my feelings. I've held them inside me for so long... Now is the time for me to speak up and
tell her how much I love her. If I don't, then I...I am not a man!] (clears throat) Aka-
AKANE: Ryoga. (She touches his hand.)
(Everything inside Ryoga's body seems to explode with sensation. BOOM! His mouth drops open, but
words are beyond his grasp.)
RANMA-CHAN: Oh, give me a break. (She puts down her binoculars and rolls her eyes in disgust.)
(She is crouched in the bushes a few feet behind the two. She hears a rustle, and is surprised
when Aisa plops down beside her.)
AISA: (makes a face at the scene in front of her) Sickening, isn't it?
(Ranma looks from her back to Akane and Ryoga.)
RANMA-CHAN: You're telling me. I've been wanting to puke for like 15 minutes now.
(There is a moment of telling silence between them.)
RANMA-CHAN: So, Aisa, what fortune did you get?
AISA: (wrinkles her brow in confusion) Fortune?
RANMA-CHAN: Yeah, you were in such a hurry to have your fortune told. Remember?
AISA: Oh right, my fortune! It's very interesting, really. (A glint appears in her eye.) The
woman said I was destined to break up a certain couple today.
(Ranma turns to her, eyes wide with surpride. Aisa winks at her conspiratorially. They chuckle
evilly.)
RANMA-CHAN: (cracks knuckles) Alrighty then. I already have a plan laid out.
* * * * *
(Aisa stares dismally at her reflection in a small pocket mirror.)
AISA: I always wondered what I would look like with blond hair. (She pats the wig gingerly.) I
was right. I look awful.
RANMA-CHAN: (stops in the midst of powdering her face) Nonsense! You look great. We both do.
(Aisa stares disbelievingly at Ranma's loud orange dress, then down at her equally eye-damaging
blue one.)
AISA: Ranma, I don't think this is going to work.
RANMA-CHAN: What? It's a perfect plan! We walk in there and pretend to be girls Ryoga jumped all
over on. It's foolproof!
AISA: I'm not so sure about that. On a wild guess, you've tried to pull a stunt like this before,
haven't you?
RANMA-CHAN: Well ye-es, and every one of them met with varying degrees of success.
AISA: ...With Ryoga. But it's never fooled Akane.
RANMA-CHAN: Well... (sighs exasperatedly) what would you suggest?
AISA: Frankly, I don't know either, but we've got to think of something. (She glances at the
still couple on the bench.) And fast. (sighs) Think! Think! Your plan is all right, except I'm a
horrible actress and she'd recognize you in a second. If only we had someone she *wouldn't*
recognize... Oh!
RANMA-CHAN: What? What is it?
SHARON: Me? (shakes head, laughing) Uh-uh. You must be joking...
(They stare at her.)
AISA: We are deadly serious.
SHARON: But, you can't expect me to-- Besides, I've got a job here. (gestures to her chair and
platform)
AISA: But- (clutches at her arm) Excuse us, Ranma.
RANMA-CHAN: (puts hands up) Sure. Whatever. (saunters away)
AISA: (hisses) Please! I am at the end of my rope here. I am even willing to wear a blond
wig...perfectly hideous!!! Can't you do me this favor? I'm sure your boss won't fire you...or
torture you and use you as a human cannonball...
SHARON: Now you're making me nervous. I wish I could, but-
AISA: No buts! This is *getting Ranma and Akane together at last.* That would be like,
contributing big time to animedom. You couldn't possibly have an issue with that, right?
SHARON: Actually...I'd rather have Ranma-chan and Ryoga end up as a couple...
AISA: Oh, Sharon-chan... Pleeeeaaaaase. There are people counting on me. (thinks of Rumiko
Takahashi giving her the evil eye.)
SHARON: (sighs) Well...all right. But you've got to understand what a big favor I'm doing you
here.
AISA: Yay!!!
SHARON: (holds up one finger) But- I am *not* wearing a wig!
AISA: You've got yourself a deal. You don't need one anyway. Um...you do need a costume though.
Know where we can get something like that?
SHARON: Honey, we're at the circus! (pulls a curtain to reveal rows and rows of different clothes
and costumes)
AISA: (eyes gleaming) Wow.
(Meanwhile, Ryoga and Akane are still seated on their bench, enveloped in
tense silence. Finally -)
AKANE: Ryoga? You've been so quiet since we got here. (sighs) I'm sorry. I guess...now's not a
good time to talk with you. (starts to leave)
RYOGA: (snaps out of daze) No! Akane... D-Don't leave- (gropes in the air for her)
AKANE: Yes?
RYOGA: Th-There's something...I-I have to tell you.
AKANE: What is it? (prompts) You can tell me anything, Ryoga.
RYOGA: Well, I... It's just that I... I've a-a-always b-b-b-b-
VOICE: There he is! There's that pervert!
(Startled, both look up to find a strange sight coming toward them. Astride a motorcycle is a
policewoman, and seated in the side-car are two bizarre-looking women, who are shouting and
gesturing wildly. The motorcycle hurtles down a hill to come to a screeching halt beside them.
One of the girls, a buxom redhead, jumps out first and shakes her fist furiously at Ryoga. She
has on huge dark sunglasses and a yellow scarf is wrapped around her head to cover the rest of
her face.)
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: Never thought I'd actually find you, huh, after attacking me and
taking advantage of a poor, sweet, innocent little girl like me? Ha! I've caught you now, and
I've brought the authorities along with me! (jabs a finger at Sharon, who is the one wearing a
police costume.)
AISA IN DISGUISE: How could you try to do the same thing to me? I'm so ashamed I can't even show
my face!!! (cowers behind a huge handkerchief as she pretends to weep unconsolably, in truth
afraid to be recognized)
(Struck dumb with shock, Ryoga finds himself only gaping as Sharon claps handcuffs on his
unresisting wrists.)
SHARON IN DISGUISE: Tokyo Police Department. (flahses a badge so quickly they don't get a good
look at it) Ryoga Hibiki, you are under arrest on the charges of these two young ladies. I have
to haul you to the station so that justice may be served. Come on, you disgusting piece of filth.
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: That's right, you...you animal!!!
AKANE: (stepping forward) Wait, officer! There has to be some kind of mistake. You have the wrong
man. Ryoga could never do a thing like that!
RYOGA: I've never even met these girls! Who are you?
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: Who are we? You didn't seem to care who we were when you tried pawing all
over us!
AISA IN DISGUISE: You have the strength of a monster! It was all I could do to fight you off! Oh
the shame, the shame!!! (retreats behind the handkerchief)
AKANE: He's been with me the whole time!
SHARON IN DISGUISE: I'm sorry ma'am. There's nothing I can do. These two young ladies both came
to the police station and positively identified Mr. Hibiki as their attacker.
AKANE: (shaking head) I don't think-
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: Stay out of this, you uncute tomboy! How would you feel if you were
coming home from your grandmother's house to be pounced on by a big, bad man like that!
AISA IN DISGUISED: Or taken by suprise on your way to school like I was?
RYOGA: Wait a second. I don't know anything at all about those things!
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: You don't even remember what you did to us?
AISA IN DISGUISE: Dear God, how many women have you victimized?!
RYOGA: I haven't-
SHARON IN DISGUISE: Mr. Hibiki! The charges against you are very serious. You must quietly come
with us immediately.
AKANE: And if he doesn't?
SHARON IN DISGUISE: Then I will have no choice but to do the utmost in my power. I will have
to...douse him with this very cold water! (grimly holds up a full pail for them all to see)
AKANE: (snorts) That's ridiculous. Ryoga don't - (She gapes as she sees that Ryoga has suddenly
gone stiff with fear and alarm.) R-Ryoga...?
SHARON IN DISGUISE: I'm warning you...
(Ryoga quickly and willingly clambers behind her on the motorcycle.)
RYOGA: [I'd rather die than have myself turn into a pig in front of Akane like this.] (squeezes
eyes shut with the pain of it) Forgive me, Akane.
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: (hoots triumphantly) See, he finally admits to his crime!
AKANE: (shocked) No! Ryoga...
(Ranma-chan smiles snidely at her as Aisa quickly passes her to climb into the adjoining side-car
of the motorcycle.)
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: Ha! Sorry to ruin your cozy date. An uncute girl like you should know
that you could never attract a *decent* guy. (starts to leave)
AKANE: (fists clench at her sides, through gritted teeth) Say that word one more time and I swear
I'll-
RANMA-CHAN IN DISGUISE: (looking over her shoulder smugly) You'll- whaaaaaaaaat!!!?? (the last word is a
scream as her toe trips on a rock and she flies headfirst to the ground)
(Akane immediately rushes forward kneels down beside the girl.)
AKANE: Are you all right?!
(Ranma sits up, rubbing her head and groaning. The force of the impact has knocked her shades
askew, and a nasty bump can be seen forming on her forehead.)
AKANE: Let me see- (pushes off the girl's glasses and scarf off only to find herself staring
into the eyes of-) RANMA!!!
(Ranma swiftly scoots backward out of Akane's reach, casting her a wan smile and gazing at her
warily.)
RANMA-CHAN: H-Hey, Akane... (A prickly feeling at the back of her neck makes her glance up,
straight into the glare of a very furious Ryoga, who is emitting an intensely red battle aura.
With one strong tug, he breaks the handcuffs restraining his arms)
RYOGA: RRRAAAAANNNMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......
(Alarmed, Aisa jumps out of the side-car.)
AISA: Wait, you two!
(All their gazes turn to snap at her.)
AKANE: Aisa?! You too? (quickly looks away, hurt filling her eyes)
(Suddenly, the faint blares of a trumpet reach them from the direction of the circus.)
SHARON: Oh no! That signals the start of my show! (revvs up the engine and zooms away as fast as
she can on her motorcycle, leaving a ton of dust in her wake)
RYOGA: AHHHH!!! I'm going to kill you, Ranma! (lunges at her, and with a squeal she jumps out of
his grasp and flees into the protection of the trees in the park) I'll get you for this! (gives
chase after her)
AKANE: Not if I get my hands on him first. (seething with rage, she runs after them)
AISA: No, don't! Everything is going so wrong... (collapses on her knees, palms on the ground)
* * * * *
(Akane is chasing Ranma through the trees; she can barely see the familiar form ahead of her.)
AKANE: Stand still and fight if you're half the man you claim you are! Coward!
RANMA-CHAN: (calling out in front of her) I't's not because I'm scared! If you promise to calm
down we can talk about it. You're too mad to think clearly right now!
AKANE: Mad?! Of course I'm mad! How could you play that stupid joke on Ryoga? (In her head, she
remembers Ranma saying, "An uncute girl like you should know that you could never attract a
*decent* guy.") WHy do you always have to humiliate him?
RANMA-CHAN: And why should you care?! (She whirls around to face her, and there is something raw
in her eyes that Akane has never seen before.) What's he to you?
AKANE: He's kind to me- (Her voice breaks off, she takes a step forward threateningly)
RANMA-CHAN: D-Don't take another step closer, or I'll...I'll throw this pail of water at you!
(brandishes Sharon's earlier pail warningly)
AKANE: (eyes shooting out sparks) Who do you think you're trying to scare-?
(Suddenly, they hear a yell, and Ryoga comes crashing out of an overhead tree almost on top of
Ranma-chan and grappling her from behind. She shrieks and the pail of water flies out of her
hands...overturning on top of Ryoga's gaping face. Both Ranma and Akane watch, horrorstruck, as
the pail seems to descend over nothing to land on the ground upside down.)
AKANE: Ryoga!!!
(As she runs over to the spot where the bucket lies, she hears a high-pitched squeak come from
it, and she feels dread start to course through her. She tosses the pail away, and finds a
very scared black piglet staring up at her with tear-filled eyes. *Her* beloved pet pig. Shocked,
she scoops it into her arms regardless of its trembling, her stricken eyes locking onto Ranma's.)
AKANE: (whispers) Ryoga is P-chan?
(Ranma can only nod, then painfully look away.)
AKANE: And he always has been. (Absently, she strokes her pet, recalling all the times she
played with it and told it her most intimate secrets. In a lightning quick move, she suddenly
punts it away. A heartbreaking squeal fades into the air.)
RANMA-CHAN: (reaching out) Akane...
AKANE: (turning away coldly) Don't talk to me. (She slowly walks away.)
* * * * *
(Because P-chan is so light, and Akane is carried on by such intense feeling, Ryoga lands into
a distant hot spring on the outskirts of Tokyo, transforming him back instantaneously. He groans
and sits up, bruised all over, but all he can think about was that expression in Akane's eyes
before she kicked him. In an understatement, he feels like hell. He sighs.
Suddenly, his gaze is captured by what he's seeing right in front of him. It seems like a group
of people are marching toward him through a thick haze of dust. His eyes widen.)
RYOGA: I can't believe it! Uh-oh...
(
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