A MATCHMAKER IN TOKYO
Part Six: "I've had Enough!"
(Aisa came upon Akane in a clearing among the trees. She had her back turned to her and her head
bowed.)
AISA: (approaching tentatively) Akane...?
AKANE: (without turning) Is it you, Aisa? I might have expected that prank from Ranma, but not
from you. I thought we were starting to be friends.
(Aisa's eyes begin to fill with tears. Ranma suddenly steps out behind a tree, hands in his
pockets.)
RANMA: Hey, don't be so hard on her. It was *my* idea.
AKANE: (whirling at him angrily) You think I don't know that, you...you liar! How long have you
known about Ryoga...about P-chan?
RANMA: (steps forward) Akane-
AKANE: No! I'm starting to figure it out. You knew all along! Your jibes at Ryoga, your dislike
of P-chan...
RANMA: You make it sound as if I planned all this to end this way!
AKANE: Didn't you? I guess you must have wanted the last laugh, huh? I slept with him in my bed,
Ranma! I told him things I've never told anyone before.
AISA: Akane, Ranma didn't mean-
RANMA: Why do ya keep jumping to conclusions? Why doncha hear me out first for a change?
AKANE: I'm tired of speaking with you! You're nothing but lies and insults-
RANMA: (going red) Listen, you-
AKANE: Jerkface! Why am I even wasting my time?
RANMA: Hey, you uncute tomboy-
AISA: (shaking head in wild panic) [They're degenerating to exchanging insults, again!]
AKANE: Idiot! You think I care about what you think?
RANMA: If your muscles weren't as thick as your brain-
AISA: SSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Ranma and Akane's heads both snap to her in surprise. The forest has turned deathly still and
quiet, with the cawing of far-off birds the only sound from the distance. Aisa is red in the
face, her eyes bulging and a murderous expression that could drop them both. She gestures stiffly
with her arms, her whole body rigid.)
AISA: I've had enough of you two! Here you are, trading insults, arguing and pretending to hate
each other, when deep down you're the most important things to each other! You're both just
suffering from miscommunication and jealousy, and you're both too stubborn-
AKANE: He's *not* important to me-
RANMA: Me? Jealous about *her*? Not in a-
AISA: QQQQQQUUUUUIIIIIIIEEEEEETTTTTT!!!!!!!
(Both Ranma and Akane take a step back in alarm.)
AISA: (glaring fiercely) I believe *I* am the one talking right now! As I was saying, the pair of
you are just too thickheaded to admit to what's right in front of your eyes! Despite what you
say Ranma, you love Akane. And Akane, you love him.
(Both were shaking heads vigourously. Ranma prepared to open his mouth again-)
AISA: Don't you dare! If you won't take my word for it, than take yours!
RANMA: Wh-what do you mean?
AISA: Love letters! (pulls out two pieces of paper from the bodice of her dress.)
(Jaws dropping open, they stare aghast at each other, then quickly face away, reddening.)
AISA: Aha! At a loss for words now, aren't you? Good thing you had them written down! (waves
folded pieces of stationery in the air) Nabiki found these in your desk drawers while we were
gone. In them is your frustration, confusion, and undying love for each other. Read!
(She hands one to each of them, then folds arms in self-satisfaction at the absorbed expressions
in their faces.)
AISA: [Well, I think I've finally gotten through to these morons! If those letters don't do the
trick, then nothing will!]
AKANE: (frowning darkly) Is this handwriting? The letter's too illegible to read a word!
RANMA: (brow furrowed in concentration) I don't get this! What do all these fancy words mean?
Mis...mis..comm...what? (looks up, thoroughly confused)
AISA: (tearing hair out) Aaaaargh!!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE! Forget the stupid letters! Just
accept them as proof that the two of you do have strong feelings for each other. Don't you see
how lucky you are? Don't you know how hard it is to find someone to love and someone who'll love
you back? Why are you wasting what you two have?
(Both shoot tentative looks at each other.)
AISA: Well? Do you deny what I've said? Or do you get that I'm right?
AKANE: (after a pause, sighs) Ranma, you can be such a huge pain in the neck. But... (looks down)
I really do l-l-luuh...like you a lot. (Blushing, she threads her hand through his.)
RANMA: (stares down at her in amazement) Really!? Akane... I don't how to say this. I do...do
have feelings for you, but it's really hard for me to say them out loud...
AKANE: I'll help you.
(The two of them gaze deeply into each other's eyes.)
AISA: Well, it's a start! YES!!!
(She freezes before she can jump for joy, because suddenly balloons and streamers are raining
down on her and the transfixed couple. Soun and Genma-panda jump out from behind the bushes,
wearing party hats, blowing trumpets wildly, and generally just making the biggest racket they
can. Kasumi and Nabiki step out from their hiding places a little more sedately, but their
happiness is evident in their glowing faces.)
AISA: Wh-wh- Excuse me...? What is this?
NABIKI: (shrugs) Well, I told them that we might finally see some sense knocked into those two,
and they insisted on coming along. (nods toward Ranma and Akane, who are still locked in the same
position)
(Soun and Genma-panda throw themselves at Aisa's feet.)
SOUN: I, Soun Tendo, swear to you my undying gratitude. My dojo is at your disposal, master!
GENMA-PANDA: @Oh lucky, lucky day!!!@
(The two begin singing and dancing like crazy, huge goofy smiles on their faces.)
KASUMI: (sighs happily) Look at what a sweet couple Ranma and Akane make!
NABIKI: (to Aisa, smiling reluctantly) I have to admit I'm impressed. You really turned out to be
an OK person.
AISA: (returning smile) Thanks. Same to you. (leans in) 50-50 on the profit?
NABIKI: I really shouldn't cave so fast, but what the heck-!
(They shake hands firmly. They turn to look when Soun and Genma haul a cart into the clearing.)
SOUN: Hurry, we have to get them to the house and married before they snap out if it!
(They push and prod the unreluctant Ranma and Akane into the cart. Whistling merrily, they push
off for home. Aisa waves good-bye to Kasumi and Nabiki as they leave. She sighs mistily. No
sooner have they disappeared from view, when out of the corner of her eye she notices something
to fill her with dread. From the opposite direction, what seems to be a dust cloud was
encroaching closer and closer her way. She stepped back in horror. Through the dust she could
make out six figures. One by one they come into view.
Ryoga.
Ukyo.
Shampoo.
Mousse.
Kuno.
Kodachi.
And all looked terribly pissed.)
UKYO: Hey! You! (She hurls a gigantic spatula in Aisa's direction and it sticks into the ground
with a loud thud.)
(Aisa looks around her, feigning innocence.)
SHAMPOO: (marching forward militantly) Yes, you! Little hussy! Who you think you are?
(Kodachi cartwheels in swift, fluid movements until she is standing almost toe-to-toe with Aisa.)
KODACHI: If you think you can outwit the Black Rose of St. Hebereke, you have another thing
coming to you, foolish girl! (throws head back) Ohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!!
AISA: H-Hold it! Are you sure you have the right person? I mean, I'm just an innocent young girl
out for a stroll in the park... (starts to back away nonchalantly)
MOUSSE: Not so fast! We want some answers. We came upon Ryoga (jerks head to the miserable-looking
boy whose hastily donned clothes are all askew) and he tells us you were hanging around with that
scoundrel Saotome, so you must be that Dreamspinner person who put us on a wild goose chase
halfway around Japan! (punches his fist against his palm)
KUNO: (suddenly appearing at her side) Now, now, let's not be too harsh on her. She is after all,
still a lady. (His breath down her neck makes her jump a foot away.)
AISA: Ewww! Do you hit on every new girl you meet? Yuck!
UKYO: (pushes her face into view, wails) How could you do such a thing? To play with the dreams
and hopes of young people so-!
SHAMPOO: (snorts impatiently) Never mind that now! What Shampoo want to know where you put away
my Ranma! (advancing menacingly) You after him too, short girl!?
AISA: (aghast) Hey, who are you calling-
UKYO: (glaring hotly at Shampoo) He's *my* Ranma honey, not yours!
KODACHI: (clasping hands together tightly) Darling Ranma! Oh how I long to be in your arms again!
UKYO & SHAMPOO: (snapping to her) WWWWhhhhaaaattt??!!!!!
RYOGA: I have to get to Akane and explain-
KUNO: Halt! Who are you to speak the glorious name of Akane Tendo? Stand and fight!
RYOGA: (sneers contemptuously as Kuno takes a stance with his wooden bokken) Sorry, I don't have
time to play your games. Akane- (starts to leave)
KODACHI: (leaping forward and madly twirling her ribbon) Ohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!!
SHAMPOO: I go to airen right now!
UKYO: (following closely) Oh no you don't-!
KUNO: Pigtailed girl, Akane Tendo, I come anon!
AISA: [No! They're returning! They're going to undo everything I've done! All that work-]
NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Everyone suddenly stands frozen in their tracks, their gaze riveted on her.)
AISA: (coloring a little) Well, this usually didn't get me anywhere at home but here... (clears
throat) I won't let you go, because...(racks brain)...because don't be stupid! We can solve all
your problems right here!
RYOGA: Oh, yeah? Who are you? What do you know of our problems?
UKYO & SHAMPOO: Yeah! (glare at each other and face away with a huff)
AISA: Don't you know? I'm a matchmaker, I'm a dreamspinner. I know who will make you happy and
who can fulfill your dreams. Ranma or Akane is a wrong choice, because they're not available
and never have been to any of you.
RYOGA: Is that what Ranma told you? Dearest Akane! I have to tell her-
AISA: Tell her what? Can't you see? Whether pig or boy, all she sees of you is a friend. Her
heart's been with Ranma from the very start. You wouldn't want her anyway. She's too impatient
and quick to lose her temper... No, you need someone a little more sensitive... You too.
(turning to a startled Ukyo) To Ranma, you're just his old childhood buddy. You can never make
him see you the way you see him. that's why I give you each other. (makes a sweeping gesture
magnanimously)
RYOGA: Her???
UKYO: Him???
AISA: Why not? Admit it, Ryoga, doesn't a lifetime of yummy okonomiyaki sound irresistible to you?
RYOGA: (thinking) Well... (stomach rumbles, turns red with embarrassment)
AISA: Ukyo, you need someone to take care of, because that's just the way you are, and Ryoga...
is just about the most "in need of help" person I have ever seen. He couldn't find his head if
it weren't attached to his shoulders.
(Ukyo looks Ryoga up and down critically.)
SHAMPOO: What 'bout Shampoo, huh? Amazon law say Ranma her groom! No way to counter that!
AISA: Oh Amazon Shlamazon fiddlesticks! Ranma is a *foreigner*. You need someone from your own
culture.
(Mousse bats his eyelashes at Shampoo to get her attention, and she faces away in revulsion. He
shrinks back.)
AISA: Hey! Once you get used to him, he really isn't too bad on the eyes. And he's a pretty good
fighter too, so if you decide to, ah, "lose" to him, you can still keep your head up. Anyway,
look at him. He's really devoted to you. Ranma can be a *little* hard to control at time, right?
SHAMPOO: (cocks head) Amazon women must rule marriage, yes...
KODACHI: Ohohohohoho! I see you haven't mentioned me, yet! You cannot possibly have found a
reason to keep us apart, because darling Ranma and I belong together!
AISA: You really think so, huh? Listen Kodachi, I always thought you were...a trendsetter kind of
gal. Ranma is old news! Look at how many women are already after him. You'd be bored with such
a conquest after awhile. What you need is someone...completely different. An original choice!
KODACHI: Hmmmm, I'm listening...
AISA: And he's been right under your nose the whole time! (Kodachi leans forward.) It's Hikaru
Gosungkugi, and- (adds hastily on seeing the aghast expression on her face) You don't know it,
but he's been nuts about you all these years! That's why he's always looking so wan and haggard...
He's been pining after you! Why, I heard he's fallen ill- no, dying! (points theatrically at the
sky) Your name is the only word upon his lips, and if you but glance his way, he can die a happy
man. (falls on one knee, bowing head)
(The rest of the onlookers clap politely at her performance.)
KODACHI: Oh, that poor, poor thing! To have never said anything, but of course he loves me madly.
He needs me so!
(She departs, a mad glint in her eye. Aisa shudders and cannot help feeling sympathy for
Gosungkugi, deserving though he may be.)
KUNO: The stars and the moon, the sun and the sky cannot tell me what I wish to know! Is it to
be Akane Tendo or the pigtailed girl?!
AISA: Neither.
KUNO: (gaping at her) Nonsense!
AISA: There's only one woman for you Kuno, and that's *Nabiki* Tendo. Think about it! She's smart,
can handle your money and manage the houshold. Plus, you never know, she might actually come up
with some dirt to blackmail your father and keep him away!
KUNO: Why have I never seen it before!? It is like a ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds,
a sliver of moon in the darkest night sky-
AISA: (pushing him) Yeah, yeah, go to it already!
(He leaves too, and Aisa looks around satisfied at the two couples left who are already absorbed
and deep in conversation with each other. She sighs blissfully.)
AISA: Now *that's* a happy ending to end all endings!!!
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