Ranma 1/2: Presents
Shampoo 1/2


Chapter 4
The Cute, the Arrogant, and the Perverted


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Standard Disclaimer:
L.Ang has given a home to all of my fics,
http://angcobra.jumpfun.com/dbsommer.html

Also Azatlan has given Shampoo 1/2 a home at:
http://www.geocities.com/~azatlan/Special-Series/shampoo.html

Bloodblade has also put it on his webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/towers/5920

Slashley also has it at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Shrine/5747/Shampoo.html


What's gone on before: In the beginning, Ranma and Genma traveled to
Jusenkyou for the first time and started to spar, not realizing a duel was
already occurring between Shampoo and Mousse. One mid-air collision and
dunking in spring of young drowned man later, we have a male Shampoo as
well as a female Ranma. So Ranma-chan= female Shampoo-kun= male. Last
chapter Ranma and Ryouga finally had a fight, in which Ryouga mysteriously
disappeared, and Cologne confronted Shampoo about her sudden departure from
China, only to discover her curse. After the hard fought victory over the
Amazon elder, Ranma and company want to celebrate.


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Now Shampoo truly understood what the Japanese were really like. Not only
were they backward enough to give males the dominant role in society, not
only did they have a multitude of bizarre cultural habits that made
absolutely no sense whatsoever, not only did they possess an unbelievably
and unnecessarily difficult language to master, but they quite freely
engaged in open displays of masochism and degradation that they
misrepresented by terming it as 'fun'.

At least that was Shampoo's reaction to participating in what others termed
'public ice skating.'

"HELP, RANMA!" Shampoo screamed at the top of her lungs. "Shampoo no can
stay on feet!" To drive her point home, when she at last gained some sense
of balance and moved forward, she went directly from an upright position to
performing a flip in mid-air and managing to land on her face.

"Nice one point landing, Shampoo!" Ranma called from the side of the rink
as he finished lacing up his skates.

"I thought she said she could skate," Akane said. She had finished lacing
up her own pair of skates and was now waiting next to Ranma.

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah, she did, but I think she was lying. I bet her dumb
Amazon pride wouldn't let her admit she couldn't do something simple like
that."

Akane gave Ranma a flat stare. "And you would never let your pride do that
to you, would you?"

"You got that right." Ranma puffed out his chest in pride as another scream
of terror came from the Amazon trapped on the ice. "I'd better go out there
and show her the ropes before she hurts herself."

Doubt was evident on Akane's features. "Are you sure you know how to
skate?"

"Of course," Ranma scoffed as he stood up and prepared to go out on the
ice. "Back in junior high, they used to call me 'Mr. Frosty'."

The instant Ranma's skates hit the ice, he fell backwards and cracked his
back of his head off the surface of the rink.

A small smile crept across Akane's features as she skated a single circle
around Ranma's prone form. "I guess you got that name because you ate so
much ice."

"Shut up!" Ranma regained his footing, smirking at Akane. "That was just an
accident cause I haven't done it for a while." He began to move forward.
"Ice skating is just like riding a bike-"

"-Because you never forget how to fall off," Akane finished for him as
Ranma fell facefirst into the ice again. It was going to be up to her to
keep the duo from inadvertently bludgeoning themselves into
unconsciousness. And she had come down to the rink to unwind too.


"I know now that I am truly alive, for only our chance meeting could stoke
the once cold embers of my heart into a raging inferno. Your eyes calls out
to me, leaving my heart yearning to taste the sweet ambrosia that your lips
would yield unto my unworthy self. A-"

The rest was cut off as a hot pepper was shoved into Mikado's mouth,
arresting his forward momentum as he lunged forward to kiss the girl he was
accompanying. The two were seated at a table in front of the rink's
concession stand, previously enjoying a 'Jalepeno Surprise' ice cream cone
that Mikado had bought for his companion.

"I'm not that sort of girl," she assured him as his lips began to burn with
something other than passion. He grabbed a glass of water from a nearby
table and was about to drink it when a pink and red blur ran past, crying
out 'Jean-Luc', and snatched the container from his hands.

"Give that back to me!" Mikado Sanzenin shouted as he began to lose all
feeling from the most important body part of all: his lips.

His first two attempts at grabbing his partner, Azusa Shiratrori, failed as
she deftly darted away from his lunges. "Jean-Luc is mine. You can't have
him. By the way, your lips are really red, swollen and puffy and it makes
you look just like a clown." Azusa began pointing and laughing.

Mikado repressed the urge to punch Azusa in her face. Aside from the fact
he was simply not that brutal off the ice, it would make him look really
bad in front of the women. "I need that water! It feels like my lips are
going to explode. I'll die without them."

The desperation actually got through the nonchalant attitude Azusa usually
carried for Mikado and his typical Casanova ways. "The water inside isn't
that cute, so you can have it. But I want the glass back."

The water was downed in an instant. Relief poured through Mikado as he felt
the burning sensation go away and feeling return to his lips. "That was a
close call," he said then began to make his way back to his former target.

"That's a bad idea, Miki," Azusa said in her sing-song voice.

"It's none of your business what I do off the ice." Mikado turned back
towards the girl that had fed him the pepper. She was pretty enough to try
again. Besides, he was getting really close to one thousand. All he needed
was two more to go, then it would be on to two thousand.

"Little Azusa don't think she's your type," she warned once more.

Mikado scoffed in her direction. "What do you know of the women I like?
She's perfect. She has luxurious hair. A perfect bosom. Bountiful lips-"

"-a really prominent Adam's apple," Azusa finished for him.

"Eh?" Mikado took a real close look at the woman's throat. A wave of nausea
threatened to overwhelm him.

"No need to thank me," Azusa said and headed for the ice. It was not so
much that she really cared about Mikado's lecherous ways -in truth she
thought he was little more than a watered down version of a male slut-  but
if he had made that kind of mistake, it would have thrown off their
practice for today. Still, knowing his obsession, he probably still
wouldn't want to begin practice until after he had at least one more kiss
added to his tally.


Akane at last had Shampoo balanced enough on her skates to stand on her
own. For someone with such superior balance, the Amazon seemed to have a
horrible time trying to adjust to something as simple as ice skating. At
the rate both she and Ranma were going, they were never going to learn.

As she thought of Ranma, she turned to see how he was doing. He was still
halfway across the rink, refusing to get anywhere near Shampoo and
insisting that every time he managed to stay upright more than five
seconds, he had learned how to skate and that Akane should go over to aid
the Amazon, who 'really needed the help.' The distance between the two was
making Akane's task nearly impossible. The only reason she could think for
his avoiding learning alongside Shampoo was that he was afraid she might
learn more quickly than him, and that he would not be able to stand the
idea of coming in second best. He was conceited enough that it was a
realistic possibility.

As Akane watched, she saw that Ranma was now on the ice once again, with
several four year old children skating rings around him and laughing their
heads off. Ranma's face began turning beet red as he waved his fist at them
and warned that he would show them! It was up to Akane to save the day
again.

"Are you sure you can stand still?" Akane asked Shampoo.

Unlike Ranma, Shampoo showed a little anxiety at the idea. "Yes. Shampoo
can do that."

"Okay. I'll be right back." She kept her eye on Shampoo for a few moments
as she skated backwards towards Ranma. Once convinced Shampoo was going
nowhere, Akane turned fully around to give him some assistance before he
tried standing up again and hurt himself.

Shampoo stared mournfully in Akane's direction. She was alone again, and
already could feel herself slowly drifting backwards, even though she was
trying with all of her will to remain stationary. Regardless of her effort,
she began to pick up a speed until she heard someone move behind her moving
form and say, "Oh! What a pretty hairpiece! Alain!"

Shampoo felt a tug at her hair. She turned just far enough to see that a
small girl in a figure skater's costume had made off with one of the two
jade hairpieces she used to keep her hair tied back into the ponytail she
had began to wear due to her curse. And not only had she stolen the thing,
but now she seemed to be referring to it as 'Alain.'

"Give Shampoo back her hairpiece!" she shouted at the little thief. Her
attempt to go forward only resulted in her feet coming out from under her,
causing her to fall face first into the ice again.

Shampoo was about to shout again when she saw a tall, dashing boy skate up
to the small girl and take the hairpiece roughly from her hands. After
saying something the Amazon couldn't quite make out, he turned to skate
towards her with the hairpiece held forward in his hand.

"I must apologize for the rude behavior of my partner." He bowed, then held
the hairpiece out for Shampoo. As she got it, he grasped her hand in a
gentle hold. "She has a bad tendency to take things that are not hers and
give them some ridiculous French name."

Further commentary was temporarily cut off by the small fist that struck
the boy in the back of the head. "Give Asuza back her Alain!"

He shrugged off the tiny blows. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mikado
Sanzezin, and the annoying pest is my partner, Asuza Shiratori."

This time a wooden chair struck the back of his head. "Give Asuza back her
Alain!" The chair broke after the third blow.

Mikado grumbled, then shrugged off the blows. He had a duty to perform "At
any rate, allow me to offer you a method of repaying me-"

This time it was Shampoo's turn to interrupt him. "What is the machine that
scrape the ice called?"

Mikado looked at her in confusion. "A zamboni."

"Watch out for zamboni then." Shampoo shook loose of his hand and began to
coast backwards and away from him.

"But they won't be scraping the ice for another-"

The rest was cut off as Mikado found himself plowed under by an Azusa run
zamboni, with shouts of "give Asuza back her Alain!" ringing in his ears.


Across the rink, Ranma stared at the carnage. "Boy those two sure are
weird."

Akane was lost in thought. Those two names sounded familiar to her. Their
identities were on the tip of her tongue and she knew she was not going to
be able to get a moment's rest until she remembered who they were.

Akane was still pondering as Mikado pried himself out from under the
zamboni and began shouting at Azusa that she was ruining the effect.
Asuza's hurt reply was that she just wanted her Alain back. Deciding that
she probably would not launch any more attacks at him, for the time being,
he scanned the ice looking for his target once again. He quickly spotted
her. Her original backward movement had served to get her out of the way of
the incoming zamboni, but now she was backpedaling out of control once
again. In a blur of speed he maneuvered behind her, gently bearing her in
his arms and preventing her from further injury.

Shampoo breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks."

Mikado teeth gave off a gleam. "Now about that repayment."

Before Shampoo could react he bent forward and kissed her full on the lips.
For her, there was a moment of shock, and then her mind went blank and she
went motionless. After sufficient time had passed that the kiss would be
counted as official, he released her, noting that she was now able to
remain upright on her own, largely because she was a stiff as a board. No
doubt he had stunned her with the shock of having been kissed by someone as
magnificent as him.

Across the ice, two other figures stared at the incident with mute
amazement as well. The astonishment lasted only a moment. In an instant
Ranma shot across the ice, running on the tips of his skates and taking
powerful steps that served to dig the tips of the blades in by at least a
couple of inches, giving him the balance he needed to run in a straight
line towards his target.

Mikado remained where he was, so worried about his hair being out of place
from being run over by the zamboni that he was unaware of his doom
approaching until a fist slammed him full in the face and sent his body
flying into the wall surrounding the rink. The wall gave way, resulting in
the concrete shattering and Mikado's form being temporarily obscured from
everyone's vision by the rubble he was buried under. Ranma remained where
he was, panting and hoping Mikado would get back up so he could smash him
back down once again.

Asuza had watched the scene with little in the way of a reaction. Her eyes
drifted around until the settled on Shampoo's still motionless form, and
what was laying idly in her hand. Azusa skated over and said "Come on back
home, Alain," as she plucked the hairpiece out of Shampoo's hand, the
Amazon still staring off into space.

At last Mikado pried himself out of the wreckage. He stood up, visibly
unaffected by the blow, though he did take the time to brush the dust off
his white outfit. After making certain he looked good once again, he turned
to Ranma. "That was an impressive blow. What's your name?"

If Ranma was  impressed by the skater's resilience, he gave no indication
of it. "Ranma Saotome."

Mikado cleared his throat, pausing dramatically before saying. "Well,
Ranma, I accept your challenge. And since you are the one challenging I
shall pick out the event. Martial Arts Pairs Figure Skating. I assume you
are up to it?"

"I'm ready for anything," Ranma snapped back. "Just name the time and
place." Ranma waited for a moment, watching Mikado intensely. After the
arrogant youth said nothing more, Ranma repeated. "I said name the time and
place." Again there was no response.

Asuza, after admiring her new friend and pocketing him, went up to her
partner and waved a hand in front of his eyes. There wasn't even a blink in
response.

"Ohh," she said as she peered closely into his eyes. "He fainted. Must be a
delayed reaction from your blow. His pride wouldn't let him pass out until
he challenged you. Little Asuza will set the date since I'm his partner.
Five days from now at this arena. Okay?"

"Yeah, Sure." Ranma felt better at the admittedly unusual nature of
Mikado's loss.

Akane went over and repeated Azusa's actions on Shampoo, only to receive
the same results. Not knowing what else to do, she pushed the rigid Shampoo
off the ice, and had Ranma, who had managed to crawl off the ice under his
own power, tuck the Amazon under his arm and walk home with her.

Asuza reexamined her partner again. If he was going to be like that, there
was no chance of practice today. All that was left to do was make the best
out of a bad situation.

"What should we do today? Doodle or play tic-tac-toe?!" Azusa shouted to
everyone as she pulled out a set of markers.

"Doodle!"

"Tic-tac-toe!"

"To doodle or tic-tac-toe? It is too hard to decide! We must do both!"

"Good idea," Azusa said, grateful for the man with the bokken's help


"You didn't have to hit him that hard, you know," Akane said. Upon
returning to the Tendou home, Akane and Ranma had gone up to her bedroom,
depositing the only just starting to recover Shampoo in the kitchen. Kasumi
said she would watch over her, leaving the two of them to talk about what
had just happened.

"I hate guys like that," Ranma growled in response. "They think they can
just go around and smile and all the girls will fall at their feet."

"You're overreacting again," Akane said.

Ranma's eyebrow arched at that. "And what if he had kissed you?"

In a flash a hammer slammed into her dresser, breaking it in half. Akane
turned back to Ranma, pointing the large wooden mallet in his direction.
"And that would be just for starters."

"Ah, right." Ranma made a mental note never to get between Akane and
somebody that tried to kiss her. "Anyway, I think Shampoo would have done
the same thing, except she didn't see it coming until it was too late."

"I don't think it bothered her that much," Akane shrugged as she tossed the
mallet aside. "You don't hear her crying about it do you?"

A shout of "SHAMPOO GIVE PRETTY BOY KISS OF DEATH!" resounded throughout
the house.

"Or maybe not," Akane conceded.


Kasumi watched in concern as Shampoo continued to sharpen the rather
wicked-looking scimitar she had brought out from her room. Her hand was a
blur as the whetstone moved up and down the length, going out fast enough
to cause sparks to fly.

"Are you sure a Kiss of Death is a good idea?" Kasumi asked hesitantly.

Shampoo paused a moment to check her blade. She shook her head and
continued to sharpen it some more. "Pretty Boy kiss Shampoo! Even Mousse no
try to kiss Shampoo! Was annoying all the time, but never try to kiss." She
paused again in her cutting, the anger on her face giving way slightly to
depression. Her voice was quieter as she said, "Was Shampoo's first kiss.
Shampoo wanted first kiss be special. Wanted it to be with someone Shampoo
love. Now it can never be." Upon that pronouncement, her voice carried its
homicidal edge again. "Shampoo kill Pretty Boy, then kill... She paused a
moment to bring out a Japanese dictionary. "Then kill Kleptomaniacal girl
too."

Akane and Ranma entered the room, Nabiki hot on their heels. Ranma sat down
in a chair next to Shampoo and spoke first. "I can see why you'd want to
kill Mikado, but why do you wanna kill Asuza too?"

Shampoo referred to the dictionary again. "Kleptomaniacal Girl steal
hairpiece. There have to be a better word than that. Maybe Shampoo should
just use Cute Thief Girl, or something."

"How about you just call her Azusa?" Akane offered dryly.

"I'm actually kind of partial to Kleptomaniacal Girl myself," Nabiki said.
"Anyway, why is your hairpiece so important? You can get a new one. Or is
it valuable?" There was a calculating gleam in Nabiki's eye as she paid
close attention to the answer.

Shampoo removed the remaining hairpiece, allowing her hair to cascade down
her back in a wave. She held it out for all to see. "It valuable. It made
of jade and emerald, but that not matter. It has been in family for many
generations. That what make it priceless. Is one of last things Shampoo
have of family, besides bonbori and sword." She used the hairpiece to tie
her hair back once again.

"Don't worry," Ranma said as he shook his fist. "We'll get it back and get
revenge on Mikado the Molester. We got a match coming up with them and
there's no way we can lose it. Anything with martial arts in it we can
win."

"It also has figure skating in it which you can't win at," Akane pointed
out.

"Oh, yeah." Ranma began scratching his head in concentration. There was
that little problem with his plan. Besides that it was sound, though.

"There's something that might tip the odds in your favor," Nabiki said. "I
happen to have come across some information on those two."

Eagerness was in Ranma's voice as Shampoo began listening in as well.
"Let's hear it."

"It's valuable information."

"Umm," Ranma murmured uncertainly. "All right, tell us."

Nabiki shook her head. "Perhaps you didn't hear me. It's valuable
information."

The explanation, along with her open hand, now made sense to Ranma. "All
right. How much?" he sighed as he began going through his pockets, then
held out his hand to Shampoo in order to get her to cough up what money she
had managed to get her hands on.

Once they met Nabiki's price, she began. "They are the Golden Pair of
Martial Arts Figure Skating."

Akane snapped her fingers. "I knew I heard those names before. Thanks,
Nabiki. It was driving me nuts trying to remember where I heard those names
before."

"Couldn't you have remembered before I paid?" Ranma complained as Kasumi
passed around some tea for everyone to drink.

"Do you know anything else about them?" Nabiki asked Akane, happy to let
her do all the explaining. It was not as though Akane would see a cent of
the money anyway, no matter how much information she provided.

Akane thought about that for a minute. "All I know is that they're supposed
to be the best."

"My information is more precise," Nabiki bragged as she took over. "As a
team they are unbeaten. They have a reputation for breaking up couples.
Mikado is arrogant and has an eye for the ladies, as well as some kind of
kissing fetish. Asuza is flighty, and has an eye for any cute object she
comes across. Also, she's supposed to be a grandmaster of chess that has
never lost a game, not counting the times she's been disqualified for
stealing her opponents' chesspieces. See, Ranma. You didn't waste your
money," Nabiki said, very satisfied with herself.

Ranma admitted that Nabiki's information was helpful. "Right. Now let's
come up with a plan."

"Shampoo think we not bother trying to use the chess angle," the Amazon
supplied.

"Agreed," Ranma said as he continued thinking. "I think we can use a little
sharpening up on our skating skills."

Akane choked on the tea she was drinking. After coughing some up, she
spluttered out. "A little? You can't even stand on your own."

"Yes I can," Ranma protested.

"Okay, you can't stand on your own for longer than twenty seconds," Akane
corrected.

"That's better," Ranma said, then sighed. "We only got five days to learn
to skate good enough to beat those two."

"Maybe we should improve on the martial art part of fight," Shampoo said.
"Shampoo know this move grandmother show but never teach. But Shampoo think
if she tries real hard, she can teach both herself and Ranma how to do it."

"Sounds good. We can use any edge we can get our hands on," Ranma said.

Shampoo beamed happily at that. "Okay, first we need chestnuts and an open
fire."

"How about Jack Frost nipping at your toes?" Nabiki asked with a sly grin.

Shampoo shook her head. "Only need that for ultra-dangerous 'Avalanche of
the White Comet' technique. Is very, very dangerous. It only supposed to be
used on Yetis, magic snow men, and killer Christmas trees."

"You've got to be kidding," Nabiki said.

"Hey," Ranma said. "I think I remember Pop mentioning that move to me once.
Doesn't it involve tying yourself to a huge snowball and plummeting from
the top of a snow covered mountain?"

"Yes," Shampoo said.

"Don't mention you know it to Pop, okay? He has enough stupid ideas for
stupid techniques as it is."

Shampoo nodded her head in agreement and went to round up the materials
needed to learn the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken.

It was two days later that Ranma mastered the technique and three days for
Shampoo to learn it. In between practicing, they would go to the rink and
take skating lessons from Akane. Neither one complained much about falling
down, as the ice served to ease the pain from the burns they received
learning the Amaguriken. While the duo also learned the technique, Akane
put what she had discovered about the Golden Pair to good use and came up
with a plan that might tip the odds in Ranma and Shampoo's advantage. When
she ran it past them, they agreed to it.

Two days later found the day of the match upon them. Much to their
surprise, the rink was filled to the rafters with fans, most of them
cheering on the Golden Pair, though there was a small percentage that
cheered for Ranma and Shampoo. That in particular irked Ranma. The dumb
people were underestimating him. He never lost a fight, not an important
one, anyway.

"This is the big moment. We're going to show these guys how it's done.
We'll kick their butts across the ice," Ranma boasted as he waved to Akane
and Nabiki, who were next to the rink wall. Ranma then looked across the
rink towards his opponents, who were in outfits similar to the ones that
they had worn during their first encounter. Azusa was in another one of her
frilly pink numbers while Mikado was in a nice-looking, if non-discrept,
white tailored suit. Ranma smirked at that too. "And our outfits are way
better too."

Shampoo had to agree with Ranma's statement. Kasumi had gone out of her way
to sew the duo a pair of matching skating outfits for the competition. They
were a matching purple and black number. Ranma's consisted of a purple top
with black pants, while Shampoo's was of the same color, skin-tight and
with black stripes along the sides. The left arm and leg were cut out, and
Shampoo had noticed several of the boys in the crowd stare at her as she
made her way out onto the ice.

Besides the perfect fit, there was an addition that made the combination
truly stand out.  Kasumi had woven an intricate golden dragon, its sinewy
form starting on Ranma's right sleeve and winding its way up and down then
across his chest, then continuing on to the end of his left sleeve where
the incomplete design ended abruptly. The design picked up on Shampoo's
right arm, flowing up that then wrapping itself suggestively around certain
portions of her anatomy (which Shampoo had suggested once she saw what
Kasumi was doing) and eventually traveling down the right leg of her
outfit, where the end of the tail finished the design. When the two held
hands, as they were at that moment, the design was complete, forming one
long, perfect, dragon. Shampoo felt very comforted in holding Ranma's hand.
It helped a lot in keeping her from falling over.

Across the ice, Mikado examined the pair closely and determined that they
had no chance whatsoever of even giving him a hard time. It was only a
matter of how long to string the fight along, so that the crowd would not
go home disappointed. He did have a horde of fans to appease.

Sending a disdainful look their way, Mikado said loud enough for Ranma and
Shampoo to hear, "Well, this is a complete waste of time. Let's get this
over with. I still have another woman's lips to touch to make one
thousand."

Shampoo tightened her grip at the mention of Mikado's kissing. The stinking
pig was rubbing her face in that disgrace. She would make him pay, oh yes.
Too bad she could not serve him the injury he truly deserved, but Ranma had
made it clear she was not allowed to use her newly improvised Martial Arts
Skating Final Attack: Castration Kick. And the skates made it so easy to
employ too. However, the one time she explained to Ranma what it was, and
how it worked, he crossed his legs and made her swear never to try that on
another human being. He claimed even Mikado didn't deserve it.

"Hand...Shampoo."

Shampoo turned to see that Ranma was down on his knees in pain. It took a
moment for her to realize that it was because that when Mikado had shot his
mouth off, her grip on Ranma's hand had inadvertently tightened a bit too
much. She immediately loosened the hold and apologized.

Ranma shook his hand a couple of times to get the blood flowing once again,
then clutched Shampoo's hand once more. Together they lurched forward and
skated awkwardly towards their opponents.

Azusa shook her head sadly as they increased the speed of their wobbling.
"Miki, this isn't going to help our reputation. Everyone will think we're
picking on helpless opponents because we're going soft."

"We'll beat up a hockey team as a bonus after the match. How does that
sound?" Mikado said as he saw that Ranma had somehow managed to hoist
Shampoo over his head in what appeared to be an effort to throw the
purple-haired girl at them.

"Let's go with our opening volley." Blindingly fast, Mikado whipped Asuza
around in a circle and hurled her at Ranma. The appearance of the human
missile directed at him caused him to throw Shampoo in the air.

At the top of her impromptu arc, Shampoo looked down and a plan immediately
formed in her mind. "Catch Shampoo, Pretty Boy!"

Mikado knew what that plea meant: yet another woman was now bound to him
because of his seductive charms. Now she would be like so many of the
others, infatuated with a man she could never have. Mikado considered it a
tragedy, or at least he would have if he had possessed anything remotely
like a conscience.

He maneuvered under where she would land and caught her, gently cradling
her in his arms, as though carrying a bride over a threshold on her
honeymoon. "So you couldn't rest until you tasted my lips again, is that
it?"

Shampoo shook her head. "No. Shampoo just want you to hold her so she not
have to worry about standing up when she hit you."

Before he could react, she struck him in the face with her right arm, using
a combination of a palm thrust, a fist, and an elbow that took less than
two seconds to deliver. Deciding to use some variation in her attacks, she
switched to the left and hit him with the same moves, but in a different
order. She was preparing to use the first combination again, maybe throwing
a chop for good measure, when Mikado's grasp on her loosened and she fell
to the ice. It was not an aggressive move on his part; he was simply too
stunned to carry her any more. His dizzied form kept going, coasting on
momentum.

At the center of the ice, the battle was faring differently as Asuza skated
in circles, backwards, and mocked Ranma. That served to make him all the
angrier as he tried to catch up to her, failing miserably as he kept
falling on the ice and she would taunt him some more. Azusa was planning on
what to do next when  she noticed  her partner coast by, the stunned
expression still on his face. Concerned, she idly knocked Ranma off his
skates, then went to Mikado's side.

"Ohhh, Miki," Azusa swooned. "Your face looks all messed up. Your eyes are
misshapen." She grabbed the skin beside his eyes and pulled it a good four
inches away from his face. It was just as she thought; he looked terrible.
"And your nose looks crooked." She released the hold on his face, only to
bend his nose at a ninety degree angle. Again it made his injury show up
more clearly. "And it looks like she knocked out three teeth." Azusa
planted her hands on his upper and lower lips and pried open his jaws about
a foot apart so she could show everyone.

The pain from his partner's examination shook Mikado out of his stupor. He
pulled away from Azusa's prying hands. "What are you doing, you little
wench?! If my face is hurt, why are you poking and prodding at it?"

Tears began to form in her eyes. "Little Asuza just wanted to make sure you
were all right."

Mikado turned from his crying partner and looked upon his opponents with
new admiration. "They're trickier than I thought. Let's use the Couple
Cleaver."

By the time Azusa calmed down enough to help initiate the move, Ranma and
Shampoo had regrouped and were holding each other's hands, helping one
another to stay upright. Oddly, it seemed to Mikado that the duo were a
little more confident than before, and skating noticeably better. It was a
false confidence since they still stood no chance of winning.

Now that Azusa focus was back on winning, the Golden Pair went into action.
Whatever plan Ranma and Shampoo had come up with was ruined as Azusa did a
baseball slide and knocked both Ranma and Shampoo down. Azusa noted with
delight that they had maintained their grip onto one another. As they were
prone on the ice, Azusa latched onto Ranma's ankles while Mikado, straining
with all of his might, grabbed onto Azusa's own ankles and hefted her onto
his shoulders. He began spinning around, Azusa maintaining her grip and
spinning Ranma and Shampoo around in a circle.

Mikado smiled to himself in satisfaction. No duo ever survived the couple
cleaver. And the Saotome fellow came across as the unreliable type to begin
with. It was all too easy. He shouted to Ranma. "If you let go of Shampoo,
I'll put you down gently."

Despite being spun around, Shampoo heard the words and shouted: "Go ahead
and let Shampoo go. Shampoo be fine."

"Hah!" Ranma shouted back through gritted teeth, becoming dizzier by the
second. "We already went over this. I ain't gonna leave you just cause
things get tough."

"Okay. Shampoo hold on." The Amazon tightened her grip and held on for dear
life. She felt she had to make the offer to Ranma since he could end up
suffering for her benefit, but now that he had made his choice, she was
going to hold on. Besides, she had no real desire to crash into the wall.
At the speed she was going it would hurt like hell.

The spin continued for another thirty seconds, the velocity neither
increasing nor decreasing. At the end of that thirty seconds, Azusa had an
announcement to make.

"Little Asuza doesn't feel too good."

Mikado continued spinning. "I told you not to eat that burrito with the
works and gut-buster parfait before the match."

At the implication of that, Asuza released Ranma's ankles and put her hands
on her hips. "How dare you accuse Asuza of eating Renee and Pierre!"

Sailing through the air, Ranma and Shampoo discovered they had the
misfortune of being aimed directly for one of the cement walls surrounding
the rink. Sensing he only had seconds remaining, Ranma grabbed onto Shampoo
and pulled her close to him. As the duo arrived at the wall, Ranma nobly
took the brunt of the impact. The force of the collision caused the wall
they struck to crack, producing a cobweb-like effect on the cement wall. A
moment later, they slumped from the wall to the ice below.

The announcer's voice shouted, "Well, it looks like the Golden Pair's
Infamous Couple Cleaver not only failed to work, but it actually
backfired!"

The crowd looked closer to see what he meant. Akane who had at first been
concerned for Ranma's safety after hitting the wall, now saw what the
announcer meant. "Ranma, you pervert! Get your face out of Shampoo's
cleavage!"

Due to her disorientation from being spun around in a circle for close to a
minute, it took Shampoo slightly longer to figure out exactly what everyone
was talking about. Once she did, her first impulse was to get angry at
Ranma's forwardness. A moment later, the understanding that he had
sacrificed himself for her, made her reconsider her anger.  Realizing that
Ranma was not doing anything to extract himself from the situation, she
took matters into her own hands and tried to remove his face from between
her breasts. It took a moment of prying, but eventually he was freed with a
loud 'pop'.

Ranma's eyes rolled around in their sockets for a few moments before they
stopped and allowed himself to be reoriented to the world. "Whoa. What
happened? First I remember hitting something really hard, then everything
was warm, dark, and soft."

"Is you okay, Ranma?" Shampoo asked.

"Yeah, except for one thing."

"What is it?"

"Could you get off me?"

Shampoo gave an, "Oh," as she realized that after prying Ranma out of her
cleavage, she had remained straddled on top of him as he came around. She
did feel a little put off that he did not even seem to be aware of the free
grope he had gotten.

As the lavender-haired girl got off of him allowing Ranma to stand up, he
said, "Y'know. You're a lot heavier than you look."

A fist met his face, causing him to collapse to the ground. After a moment
of writhing in pain, a delayed effect from the initial impact that had been
speeded up by Shampoo, he snapped, "What was that for?!"

"Ranma call Shampoo fat!"

"I did not, I just said you're heavier than you looked."

That earned him a second blow.

"Ranma do it again!"

Ranma rubbed the back of his head. "I did not! If I were calling you fat, I
would have said you look just as heavy as you feel."

Shampoo held off striking him again and gave that a bit of thought. It
still sounded like he was calling her fat, but the way he explained it
seemed to make sense. Still, her feminine instincts called out for her to
hit him again for making comments about her weight in general. It took her
a moment to suppress them before restarting the match.

"It looked close there for a second," Mikado commented to Azusa.

"Yes. It looks like we'll have to try something else. Inverted Circle
Spin?"

"Why not?" Mikado and Azusa held hands and began to approach Ranma and
Shampoo. Once they closed half the distance, the turned to face each other
and began spinning themselves in a circular motion while getting closer to
their opponents. The idea was that since they were spinning each other in a
circle, the opposition would not know which one was going to attack until
it was too late.

Ranma had other plans. The Golden Pair had at last skated past Akane's
position next to the rink wall. It was time to spring the surprise on The
Golden Pair and see if it would work. Ranma nodded towards Akane, who
nodded in return and brought their secret weapon into play.

"Hey, Asuza! Look!" Akane opened up the bag and dumped over a hundred
brightly colored marbles onto the ice.

The instant her eyes fell upon the orbs, Asuza was in Heaven. "Oh! They're
so pretty." Without a second thought she released Mikado in mid-spin,
leaving him to skate at a high speed towards Ranma and Shampoo, backwards.

"You idiot! We're in the middle of a match!" Mikado shouted, momentarily
forgetting his positioning. He was reminded of it when Ranma and Shampoo
linked hands and skated towards him, connecting with a double clothesline
to the back of his head and knocking him down onto the ice.

Mikado returned to his feet as quickly as he could, only to see that Ranma
and Shampoo were a short distance away from him on opposite sides and on
their knees, although they did not appear to be begging for mercy.
Affording a glance towards his partner, Mikado saw that Azusa was too busy
naming her new friends to be of any further use to him. He returned his
attention towards his opponents. "Very well. I will dispose of you by
myself."

Ranma and Shampoo looked at one another, then nodded their heads in
unspoken communication. They simultaneously raised their right fists, then
brought them down, shouting out, KACHU-TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!"

Their fists connected with the ice, shattering it after several dozen blows
in less than a second. As they continued to hammer into the ice, pulling
themselves along the ice with their free hands in a clockwise motion, the
damaged sections they left behind revealed the ice had been cracked all the
way down to the water level. Mikado watched in confusion at their bizarre
actions, which seemed to do nothing but waste energy and pointlessly
destroy the rink.

Upon each one finishing their semi-circle, they came to a stop and sneered
at Mikado, who could not understand their happiness. Mikado just managed to
get out, "What did that gain you?" when he moved forward and answered his
own question. It took him only a moment to discover the circle of ice he
was on was no longer attached to the rest of the rink. Even the slightest
shift in his weight distribution caused the flow to tip one way or the
other, moving back and forth in the water. What was worse for him was that
in spite of his magnificent balance on any icy surface, he would get
sea-sick almost the instant he stepped foot on a boat. And to make matters
worse, Ranma and Shampoo were now having fun taking turns pushing on the
circle of ice, making it nearly impossible for Mikado to stay upright.

The torment was short-lived as a voice from above shouted out, "Ranma,
prepare to die!"

Ranma looked high above and saw that Ryouga was standing on one of the
metal rafters above the rink. "Hey! All right! Ryouga's still alive!"

Ryouga looked down on the ice at Ranma. Wandering around, he had distinctly
overheard the words, 'Ranma,' 'Saotome,' and 'challenge match with the
Golden Pair', when he had stumbled upon the rink. Of course, had Ryouga
heard the missing words the sentence contained, it would have come out,
"That Ranma guy who's Shampoo's brother and Shampoo Saotome, yes that's
their names and no I'm not confused, are in a challenge match with the
Golden Pair." Ryouga would still have investigated due to such similarly
named people being in the area, but would have been less angry about it.
Instead, he was in a proper rage at nearly being eaten by a shark in a
situation that was all Ranma's fault.

Ryouga elected to jump down and get closer to Ranma, intent on giving him
the beating he deserved. He plummeted from the rafters and landed solidly
on the edge of the loose ice. The force of his weight hitting the ice
caused him to flip the circle over and plunged him instantly beneath the
water. The force of the blow also flipped Mikado into the air, across the
rink and into a wall. The force of the impact was so great that it left his
head is fully embedded in the concrete wall and very unconscious.

The announcer viewed the scene of carnage. Mikado was out of it and Azusa
was too distracted to continue the contest. "The winners of the match are
Ranma and Shampoo!"

Shampoo took a moment to skate over to Azusa and pluck her hairpiece from
out of Asuza's hair. Given the amount of new friends Azusa was busily
naming, she never noticed that Alain was gone.

Ranma was more concerned about other things. He continued looking down the
hole that Ryouga and plunged into, concerned that the lost boy had not
surfaced yet. "I bet he can't swim. I had better go in and rescue-"

"Nooooo!" Nabiki shouted as she ran across the ice toward Ranma. "I'll do
it!" And without another word Nabiki jumped into the water, fully clothed.

Akane walked over to Ranma's side. He looked to her and said, "Y'know. I
never pictured Nabiki going out of her way to help a total stranger like
that, at least without charging for it first. I'm kind of surprised."

"Actually, she was worried what would happen if you got wet. Once your
identity's blown, it would only be a matter of time before people at school
put the 'Shampoo Saotome equals Ranma Saotome' equation together at school,
and then every girl would kill my sister."

"Oh. Now that makes sense."

As Ranma and Akane continued talking, and Shampoo examined her hairpiece to
make sure Azusa had done nothing to it, a wet bat made its way out of the
hole in the ice. It slipped away while everyone was distracted, and took
off.

A moment after it had left, Nabiki surfaced, wiping the water from out of
her hair as she accepted Akane's help in getting her out. "He's not down
there."

Ranma stood off to the side, careful that Nabiki did not accidentally
splash him. "I wouldn't worry about it. He has some kind of water
disappearing trick. I wonder if...nahh." He waved off the Jusenkyou idea.
It would be too much of a coincidence for Ryouga to end up there too.
Realizing the match was over, and that he had won, Ranma gave a tired sigh
and decided to head back to the locker room.


Soun looked towards the sky and the clouds above. Truly it was a great day
to be alive. The birds were singing. Squirrels ran around and gathered
nuts. Genma was moving five of Soun's pieces on the Shogi board while he
thought Soun was not looking. Yes, it was truly a great day to be alive.

"Kasumi went shopping, eh?" Genma's asked.

"Yes. We have the house to ourselves," Soun said.

Genma's stomach grumbled in response. Truly it was a miserable day.

"This time of the year is beautiful. Wouldn't you agree Saotome?"

Genma sighed and decided to go with the mood his friend was trying to make.
"Indeed. The leaves come out of their hibernation and give everything a
green glow."

"The temperature is just right. Neither too hot nor too cold."

"The birds sing."

"The noise of children playing outdoors makes you feel young."

"The smell of panties in the air is especially noticeable. It makes you
feel great to be alive."

Soun turned to look at Genma in confusion. "I say, Saotome. That's exactly
the sort of thing the Master would have said."

Genma returned the confused look. "I thought you said that, Tendou."

The thought struck them at the exact same time. Almost against their will
their eyes slowly turned to look down at the shogi table between them.

Happosai gave them a knowing wink.


Several miles away, three people turned to the sound of two anguished
screams that made everyone wonder if that was what having one's soul torn
apart sounded like.

"That sounded pretty gruesome," Ranma said

"You know, that almost sounded like it came from the direction of our
house," Akane commented as she continued staring at where she thought the
shout had come from.

"I'm going to a friend's house," Nabiki said as she separated herself from
the others. It sounded way too much like it had come from the direction of
her house for her liking. It would be far better to allow the others to
deal with the situation, then to show up afterwards when it would be at
least relatively safer.

Alone now, Ranma and Akane continued on their way home, walking
side-by-side in silence. Eventually, Ranma said, "Nice idea you had about
those marbles."

"Thanks." Akane inexplicably found herself blushing slightly at the
compliment. "Once Shampoo gets back from grabbing a quick shower at the
rink, we ought to go out and celebrate."

"The last time we celebrated a victory, we went ice skating, remember?"
Ranma pointed out, suddenly not in the mood for going out and having a good
time.

"I wasn't saying we should do that again." Akane tried coming up with
something else they could do.

Ranma was about to suggest they just stay home when he caught a movement
out of the corner of his eye. He ducked just in time to avoid the water
pail lady's toss of water in his direction.

"Nyaa, nyaa. You missed me that time," Ranma taunted, then turned to Akane.
"Heh. That was a close..." Words suddenly failed him as he turned to see a
very wet, and angry looking Akane, scowling at him.


"You didn't have to splash me with water too!" Ranma-chan complained as she
wrung more water out of her shirt tail.

"You didn't have to duck so I could get hit with it either, but that didn't
stop you!" Akane snapped back as the two walked up to the door of the
Tendou house and entered.

"It's not like I meant for you to get hit. It was one of those things that
just hap-" Ranma-chan looked down to see that something was glomped onto
her chest, right between her breasts and moving its shiny top up and down
while between them. "AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THIS THING!"

Akane reacted more quickly as she smashed the creature into the floor with
a hard right. "Just what is going on here?!"

Happosai hopped up as though nothing had happened. He got a good look at
the two girls and his eyes lit up. "Ha cha! You two are babes! For your
information, I am your new master, Ranma. Time to start the training."

In a flash he took up a position between Akane's breasts. This time
Ranma-chan reacted by smashing him off and into the floor.

"I'm Ranma, you little old pervert. How the hell could you get us mixed up?
I'm much better looking than her." Ranma-chan missed the daggers Akane shot
to him as she continued. "Now what is this about a new master, you old
goat?"

Tears flooded Happosai's eyes. "How can you treat your new master so
cruelly? How can you deny an old man his few wants? I may not have much
time left, and I must devote myself to what few pleasures are left in
life."

He tried to glomp onto Ranma-chan again, but twin punches from both Akane
and the redhead caught him squarely in the jaw and made him part of the
wall instead of the floor this time.

Located directly outside the room, Genma and Soun heard the temporary lull
in the action. Coming to a mutual decision, they dared to peek into the
room.

Upon taking in the scene of carnage, Genma nodded in satisfaction at
Ranma's handiwork. It was time to tell him the truth, or at least as much
as Genma felt like telling him. Clearing his throat, he began. "Boy, I have
something to tell you. A tale more horrifying than you could possibly
imagine."

Ranma-chan's eyes widened in surprise. "You mean really ARE my father?"

Waving his finger at Ranma, Genma said, "This is no time or jokes, boy.
That pervert you see before you-"

Genma found himself smacked in the back of the head by Happosai. Despite
his temporary discomfort, he was in no mood for back talk from his old
students. "Try that again."

Genma's voice remained serious. "That delightfully upstanding senior
citizen you see before you is our master, Happosai."

Ranma-chan looked the leering little troll over. Somehow, her father had
seemed to forget mentioning that creature had been his master at some point
in his life. "Yeah, I can see where you might not have wanted to admit that
sort of thing to anyone. Still, why didn't you tell me before, Pop?"

Genma shook his head sadly. All those years and still the boy thought too
linearly. "Haven't you ever heard that if you say a demon's name he will
come? Well the same thing applies to this creature."

That earned Genma a hard shot from Happosai, sending him clean into the
wall. "Watch your tongue. If you were still my pupil, you'd be in for a lot
worse."

"Dropping the old man from your studies, huh?" Ranma-chan said. "I don't
blame you. Over the last few years he's slowed down a lot and gotten
lazier. I don't think there's much more you could teach him."

"I agree wholeheartedly." Happosai lit his pipe and blew a few smoke rings
in the air. "That's why I worked out a deal with both of my former pupils.
I'll be training you from now on."

"Well that sounds...WHAT?!" Ranma-chan shouted. She took one look at her
new 'master,' then shot an angry glare towards her father and Soun.

"It was necessary, boy," Genma pleaded from his position in the wall. "I'm
not a young man anymore. I couldn't possibly withstand the rigors of
training. Besides, the master can teach you all sorts of new techniques.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Genma tried his best to unleash puppy dog
eyes.

"And it's not like we could give him Akane," Soun said, tears welling up at
the very idea of sacrificing his youngest daughter to the master.

"I never agreed to any of this," Ranma-chan grumbled. "That little pervert
ain't my master."

Soun decided not to press the issue. "We can discuss the exact details at a
later time. At any rate, the Master will be staying with us for a while."

"I'm staying for good." Happosai brought his hands together and rubbed them
in anticipation. "How could I leave two lovely young ladies like this?" And
with that he leaped up into the air and glomped right back on to
Ranma-chan's chest, who promptly smacked him back into the wall again.

That was the breaking point for the redhead. "Look here, you old goat. I
got something to show you."

As Happosai pulled himself out of the wall again, looking none the worse
for wear, Ranma-chan walked into the kitchen and grabbed the nearest
heating kettle. Walking back into the hallway, she poured the hot water
over her. Ranma winced a little at the heat. "Now do you see? I ain't no
girl."

Happosai looked Ranma over for a second, then placed his hand to his chin
in thought. After several moments of this, he pointed to Ranma and said,
"Jusenkyou."

Ranma nodded in satisfaction. Now there was no need to repeat the tale of
the curse yet again. "You see, I am really a guy, so don't try anythinWAH!"
Ranma found himself the recipient of a well-tossed glass of cold water,
courtesy of Happosai.

"Woo hoo! That's more like it baby!" He glomped onto his favorite nesting
spot once again. "Stay like this from now on. As your new master, I demand
it."

"But I'm a guy," Ranma-chan protested as she desperately tried to pry the
diminutive pest off. The situation was becoming more than she could take,
especially with having to deal with the Golden Pair earlier in the day.
When was she ever going to get a break?

"You have no right to keep this beautiful form locked up," Happosai said
from his perch. "As a matter of fact, I demand you wear this." He pulled
out a lacy red bra he had liberated on the way over to visit his two former
pupils.

Ranma-chan did what came naturally and recoiled in disgust. "No way! I'm a
guy I tell you! Guys don't wear stuff like that!"

Akane watched on, at last having enough of the chaos. Poor Ranma-chan was
being repeatedly molested by the pervert, and since the redhead seemed
unable to get rid of the old man for good, and neither of the fathers
seemed willing to help, it fell to Akane to help save her fiancé. She
grabbed Happosai by the back of his red gi and scowled at him.

"No need to feel left out, sweetie," Happosai cooed. "There's plenty for
you too."

Akane was prepared for the attempted glomp and punched him hard before he
had a chance to connect. Having planned something out beforehand, she was
careful to aim Happosai for a nearby window, the force of the blow sending
him away.

Soun watched his daughter's handiwork. Once convinced his old master was
not coming back immediately, he dared to say, "Even that won't hold the
evil demon at bay for long."

"We've gotta' get rid of him for good," Ranma-chan gasped. No one fondled
her chest like that and got away with it. Nobody.

At last, Genma left his relatively safe position from within the wall and
went up to his son. "Boy, I will be your servant for a week if you can
figure out how to get rid of him for good."

"Deal." Ranma-chan could not help grinning. It was not often she got a
chance to have her father at her mercy like this. "I'll get rid of that old
goat if it's the last thing I do."

Genma shook his head sadly at his offspring's naiveté, "It's not that easy.
Tendou and I tried tying him to a barrel full of explosives and sealing him
in a cave. All that did was keep him out of the way for a few years."

"I told you we should have used more explosives!" Soun wailed, the full
repercussions of Happosai's return only now truly setting in.

"I'll think of something," Ranma-chan said as the sound of "Sweeto! Did you
miss me?" announced Happosai's quick return.


Shampoo finished walking back to the Tendou home. She felt like thanking
the gods above for not somehow splashing her with cold water on the way
back. There had been several girls she had recognized as students on the
path home, and almost always in the past, cold water would strike her and
the girls would suddenly see Shampoo's cursed form and go ga-ga over him.
But not this time. It had been a peaceful walk home, and the Amazon
wondered if perhaps she had used up her day's quota of chaos in her fight
with the Golden Pair.

"Shampoo is home," she announced upon entering the house. She noticed Ranma
and Akane sitting in the living room, huddled over a table and talking
quietly with one another. Shampoo waved to them before heading for her room
for a change of clothes and a chance to relax.

Akane finished waving and continued where she had left off. "I don't think
that plan is going to work. Besides, where are we going to find a Youma
outfit that would fit him?"

"Well it sounded like a good idea to me," Ranma grumbled. What was wrong
with dressing the little pervert up like a Youma and having the Sailor
Senshi destroy him? It sounded like a good plan with a better than average
chance of success.

Akane was about to cite another reason as to why it was a poor idea when
something else occurred to her. "Shampoo doesn't know about Happosai yet!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

"She does now," Ranma said as a screaming Shampoo ran into the room with a
pervert attached to her bosom.

"Over here! I know how to get rid of him!" Akane shouted at the panicking
Amazon.

Shampoo heard and ran in Akane's direction. The instant she was close
enough, Akane threw a glass of cold water. Her aim was true as Shampoo got
hit squarely in the face with the water.

The power and delight Happosai had been receiving from his tight grasp gave
way to a decided lack of either. He shifted his grip slightly, and realized
something was terribly wrong with the woman he had been groping. "Wh...what
is this? What happened to you?" he asked as he looked Shampoo-kun in the
eyes.

"Shampoo decide she no want disgusting creature on chest." He nailed the
still surprised Happosai with one good blow between the eyes. The impact
sent him into the floor hard enough to breaking several of the floorboards.

Happosai picked himself up, depressed over what he had his new discovery.
"You poor, poor creature. You fell into Jusenkyou too, didn't you?"

Shampoo-kun nodded his head.

Ranma said, "That just means she has a defense against you, you old
pervert." Sick and tired of  Happosai's actions yet again, he took a swing
at the old man.

Unlike when Ranma was a girl, Happosai managed to evade the blow as though
Ranma was an infant. He then pulled out his pipe and burned Ranma's hand
with it. "See here. Like I  told your father before, that's no way to talk
to your master. It's about time you were taught a little respect for your
elders."

"Ah, shut up!" Ranma took another swing at Happosai. This time he blocked
with the pipe rather than going through the hassle of moving.

"Don't say I didn't warn you." Happosai connected with a solid punch that
sent Ranma through the ceiling and into the wild blue yonder.


It took Ranma nearly a half of an hour of solid running, but he did manage
to make it back to the Tendou home. He rushed through the front door and
into the house, fists balled up and ready for the next round. Upon seeing
Akane and Shampoo-kun sitting in the living room, he said only one word.

"Pervert?"

Akane pointed upstairs and both she and Shampoo-kun watched as Ranma ran up
there at a full run, screaming about lucky punches and how he was going to
give Happosai the beating he deserved. There was a loud crash, followed by
silence. Ten minutes later, Ranma came through the front door, gave a brief
wave to the girl and boy, and ran upstairs again, loudly proclaiming that,
"the third time's the charm."

Another loud crash, and silenced reigned once more.

"How long you think this time, Akane?" Shampoo-kun asked.

"I'd say about seven minutes," she answered.

"Shampoo think ten again."

Five minutes later, Ranma barged through the front door yet again and
rushed upstairs, not even bothering to acknowledge the duo in the living
room.

"Akane win. Was much closer."

A crash sounded. A minute later, a gasping and wheezing Ranma made his way
through the door and began heading upstairs.

Akane sighed. "Ranma, you don't have to do this."

Taking a moment to catch his breath, he said. "I'm getting to him. He keeps
punching me less far away with each blow."

"Didn't it occur to you maybe he enjoys beating on you and doesn't want to
wait as long between shots?" Akane suggested.

That made Ranma stop and think about it.. He supposed there was an outside
chance she was right, and the direct approach was not working at all.
Perhaps there was something else he could try.


The crawlspace above the room Happosai was temporarily using had an
occupant in it. Ranma Saotome applauded himself on his ingenuity. If a
frontal assault was failing, then try the back door, or at least that was
what his father had always said. Using his ring finger, he poked a tiny
hole in the ceiling tile. It was just large enough to afford him a complete
view of the room.

His eye looked the room over several times, but there was no Happosai. And
Ranma had been sure he had been in there before he had gone up into the
crawlspace. There had been no screams of terror, meaning it was unlikely
Happosai had left the room. As he relaxed for a moment with his visual
observation, he stopped concentrating on looking for Happosai and his eyes
finally identified that there were several large piles of other things in
the room. Speaking softly to himself, he whispered, "Hey. Where did he get
all that women's underwear?"

Happosai detached himself from a shadow in the crawlspace and positioned
himself directly behind Ranma. "Good to see you're enjoying a healthy
interest in the underwear trade, my boy. There is hope for you yet. When I
think you're ready, I'll begin teaching you the techniques involved in
being able to steal and remove women's underwear in a flash. But for now,
you must bear with me and receive your proper training. Namely, having more
respect for your master than to go sneaking around behind his back."

Once punch later, Ranma found himself sent through the floor of the
crawlspace and into the room below. The hard impact he expected never came
as one of the piles of underwear broke his fall. As he got up, he
discovered that a pair of panties had somehow ended up on top of his head.
He pulled them off and examined them. Ranma failed to hear the door to the
room open as he said, "Yuck. 'Hello Kitty' underwear. That's just plain
wrong." Sensing a growing feeling of hostility, Ranma looked to the door
and spotted the person that had opened the door.

Akane's face began twitching uncontrollably. "I don't believe you! Not only
do you steal my underwear, but you insult it too!"

Ranma held up his hands to try to slow her down. "No! It is not what
you...wait a minute. These silly things are yours?"

That comment sealed his fate as Akane belted him through a wall and into
the distance far away. Once her anger abated slightly, she began picking
through the piles and recovering her underwear. How dare Ranma make fun of
her Hello Kitty underwear. Besides, it was not as though she had even
bought them. They were a gift from an aunt who seemed to think that Akane
was perpetually six years old. She never even wore them.


"I still think she'd look silly in Hello Kitty underwear," Ranma mumbled to
himself as he made his way back to the house an hour later. As it came into
view, he saw Shampoo sitting along it, facing the outside.

Once he got to where she was, he asked, "What are you doing out here?"

"Pervert miss Ranma so he try to attack Shampoo. Shampoo get fed up and
leave, so he try attack Akane. Akane punched him several districts away. He
should be coming back soon," Shampoo said.

The events of the entire day weighed heavily upon Ranma's shoulders. "This
has got to have been one of the worst days of my life. I'm going to bed."

"Does Ranma think little pervert won't attack him there?"

Ranma considered that. "You might be right. What did you have in mind?"

Shampoo smiled at him. "Well, here is what Shampoo come up with..."


It was midnight when Happosai made his move. He tiptoed quietly through the
house, stopping before the room the Saotomes used as their bedroom.
Silently, he opened the door, then moved forward once more, not making a
sound. Genma's large form was easily visible on the left side of the room,
leaving the huddled mass under the blankets on the right as the only
possibility.

Happosai snickered to himself. There was his delightful little Ranma. One
little splash of cold water, and then he'd snuggle up against her breasts
for a little late night action. After all, the poor old man had been
trapped in a cave for over a decade and had to make up for lost time. And
Ranma's chest was one of the best he had ever seen. Maybe even later, he
could persuade Ranma to display some delightful little lingerie for him.

Happosai was squirming in delightful anticipation as he poured the cold
water on the form under the covers. In an instant he threw back the blanket
and saw a human form underneath. He targeted the chest of the figure and
hurled himself onto it.

"Oh, Ranma. Your bosom is so...flat?" Happosai stopped rubbing his head up
and down on the decidedly flat chest of person he was glomping. "What's
going on?"

Shampoo-kun stood up and grabbed Happosai by the back of his gi. "Shampoo
no feel like having midnight bath. Goodnight." An Amazonian kick sent
Happosai through the window and into the great beyond.

Ranma came out of the shadowy corner of the room he had used to stay out of
sight. "Well that sure worked out. You were right about what that pervert
would do."

Shampoo-kun smiled happily, and was about to apologize for all of the noise
to Genma, when she realized he had manage to sleep through the whole thing.


It was one A.M. when Happosai made his move. He tiptoed quietly through the
house, stopping before the room the Saotomes used as their bedroom.
Silently he opened the door, then moved forward once more, not making a
sound. He looked at the lump on the left once again, and saw that
Shampoo-kun had changed to dry sheets, but other than that, everything
looked the same.

"So, Shampoo thinks she's so smart. Well, I never met an Amazon that could
outfox me. I'll just use hot water this time," Happosai snickered to
himself. Shampoo's cleavage would certainly do. Yes they would. Her bosom
was almost as delightful as Ranma's. Probably on level with Akane's, in
fact.

Without waiting a moment longer, Happosai dumped the hot water on the
huddled mass, threw back the covers, and glomped onto the chest of the
figure beneath them.

"Oh, Shampoo," Happosai cooed, then stopped when he realized there were no
breasts on the person he was glomping yet again. "Wh...What's going on
here?"

Ranma stood up and plucked the diminutive man from his chest. "I don't need
any hot showers this late at night, you old lech."

Once again Happosai found himself belted through the same window he had
been before.

As his wails disappeared in the distance, Shampoo-kun came out of the same
darkened corner that Ranma had used earlier. "It look like Ranma right
about persistent pervert."

"Of course," Ranma said smugly. Shampoo-kun would have been content to stay
in Ranma's spot for the night, but Ranma pointed out that Happosai might
try again, this time aiming for Shampoo instead of him. And as Ranma knew
it would, it turned out he was right.

Ranma grabbed another set of dry sheets and laid them out. "I doubt the
little freak will  be back tonight. He doesn't know what to expect." Ranma
laid down on the sheets. He had just closed his eyes and was making himself
comfortable when he felt somebody grab some of the covers and lay down next
to him. Slowly, he opened his eyes and turned to see Shampoo-kun trying to
make himself comfortable as well.

"Ah, Shampoo. What are you doin'?"

Shampoo-kun kept to the left side of the covers, but made no motion to
leave. "Shampoo think pervert come back. It safer if both us sleep
together." He began fluffing up a pillow.

Ranma began to get nervous. Sleeping with Shampoo, even as a guy, was not
the sort of thing he wanted to do. People would think he was a pervert or
something. "I don't think it's really proper, you know."

Shampoo-kun gave him a look devoid of any duplicity. "We sleep together in
China."

"That was different," Ranma insisted. "And we slept a lot farther apart."

"Is all right. We both guys." With the argument decided in his mind,
Shampoo-kun closed his eyes.

Ranma was of two minds about the whole situation. Okay, so Shampoo-kun was
obviously a guy at the time, and guys could sleep near each other without
it being perverted. Just so long as they did not sleep 'together.' On the
other hand, Shampoo-kun was also really a girl, which made it seem like
maybe it was Ranma who was the pervert. And since Shampoo-kun really was a
girl, he felt awkward about the idea of just throwing him out, regardless
of what gender the Amazon was at the moment. It would seem pretty callous
of him, not that any girls should be trying to sleep with him since he was
not the sort of guy that did that sort of thing. And it was true that
Happosai was out there, and might yet come back and try to change Shampoo
into a girl. If Ranma was around, he could protect her from that.

That was what his mind at last settled on: he was defending a girl from a
pervert. He scooted over as far as he could with the covers, leaving about
two feet of distance between him and Shampoo-kun. Since he was going to
sleep in his normal clothes as well, rather then go down to his boxers and
a tee shirt, that helped too. Even bearing all of that in mind, it took
Ranma nearly an hour before he relaxed enough to drift off into an
exhausted sleep.


It was getting late in the morning when Akane decided to wake Ranma up.
Sometimes it seemed he would sleep the entire day away if she was not
around to announce that it was time to get up.

There was a broad smile on her face as she made her way to the Saotomes
bedroom. Happosai had not tried to accost her at all. Well, she had
barricaded the door with her dresser and nailed the window shut, but still,
he seemed awfully persistent and she had not been certain it would work.
But it had, and with any luck, Ranma had a peaceful night bereft of his new
master as well. After breakfast, they could combine their thoughts once
more and see if they could come up with some strategy to get rid of the
unwanted little pervert.

Akane arrived at their door, knocked once, and let herself in. "Wake up
sleepy hea-" her voice drifted off as she fully took in the scene before
her. There was Ranma, just laying there, with a decidedly male Shampoo-kun,
whose arm had fallen across Ranma's chest. Akane's face began twitching as
she saw the look of contentment on Shampoo-kun and Ranma's face. Well, the
Amazon looked really content. Ranma looked like he was snoring with his
mouth wide open and nose high in the air. But it was close enough to a look
of pure contentment to Akane's angry eyes.

"I see how it is," she grumbled softly as she turned and left, only to
return a moment later with a bucket of water in hand. "One of you perverts
is in the wrong form to REALLY be enjoying yourselves." She splashed both
of them with the cold water, activating Ranma's curse, then headed out in
the hall.

Both of them sat up, shocked. Ranma-chan was the first to splutter out a
"What?" She was still trying to orient himself when a voice called out,
"Hey, Happosai. Ranma said he wants to see you."

Happosai was in the room within seconds, and upon seeing Ranma-chan, gave
his own version of 'good morning.' The redhead's response of returning the
good morning was to run out of the room, screaming at the top of her lungs
and trying to remove Happosai from her chest.

Shampoo-kun remained behind, still reorienting himself and trying to figure
out where the leak was in the ceiling where the water had come from. And as
for Genma Saotome, he just continued snoring.


Shampoo-kun looked down at the rather nice breakfast at the table that
Kasumi had prepared for everyone. Being a male most of the time was proving
somewhat annoying; he still intensely disliked it. But with Happosai
around, it was proving necessary since being left alone as a man was
preferable to being groped as a girl.

There were other occupants at the table and he took a moment to look them
over again. Kasumi was sitting next to him. Actually, she was sitting very
close to him and was continuously asking him to pass things to her, even if
they were within what appeared to be easy reach for her. Also, she seemed
to be behaving a little oddly this morning, continuously apologizing for
brushing against Shampoo-kun's hand every time he handed her something she
asked for. She did appear unusually happy though, which was nice. So far
Happosai had not tried to molest her, which was lucky for the little freak.
Kasumi was not like Ranma and Akane; she couldn't defend herself from
Happosai's clutches. If the dwarf came within even three feet of Kasumi,
Shampoo-kun vowed to make him sorry.

Shampoo-kun's eyes continued to scan the occupants of the table. Akane and
Ranma were sitting across from one another, glaring. Apparently it had been
Akane who had thrown the water, and it was for some odd reason that
involved Ranma and Shampoo-kun sleeping together. It had been explained to
her that it had only been done as a defense against Happosai, but Akane
still seemed angry despite the explanation. That same explanation had also
served to cause some measure of anguish for others at the table.

Soun was practically crying as he said to Genma, "Saotome, how could you
allow Shampoo and Ranma to sleep together? He's engaged to Akane!"

"I tell you it's not possible." Genma crossed his arms in confidence. "Any
noise would have awakened me. I do have the hearing of an elephant."

"You got the appetite of one too," Ranma added.

"How dare you talk to your father like that! I'll teach you some manners.
Now give me that egg!"

The two began their usual duel over their meal, with Ranma winning three
eggs and two bowls of miso soup to one.

Genma's stomach grumbled in panic over the loss. He tried finding something
to lift up his spirits. "Did you figure out how to get rid of him?"

"Nah, not yet." Ranma finished his last egg. "He's a tough one."

"Where is grandfather Happosai anyway?" Kasumi asked as she looked at the
empty place that she had set for him.

"Wrapped him up with some steel cable and dropped him down an open sewer,"
Ranma explained casually as he chewed his food.

"That won't hold him for long, boy," Genma said as he saw the golden
opportunity before him and stole the food from Happosai's place.

"I know, I know. I'll come up with something," Ranma assured him as he
began putting his mind to the problem at hand again.

It took him the better part of a day, but he came up with a plan. All it
would take was an accomplice, and he had the perfect one in the house
already. All he had to do was ask nicely and he was sure she would see
things his way.


Akane was busy doing her homework when she heard the knock on the door.
"Come in." She was slightly surprised to see Ranma enter, looking both
nervous and a little anxious as well. "What's going on?"

Ranma found admitting he needed help a bit more difficult than he imagined.
After several half-hearted attempts, he managed to get out. "I need to ask
a favor."

That was a surprise. To her knowledge, Ranma had never directly asked for a
favor from anyone else. He'd accept help offered, but didn't like asking
for it up front. "What is it?"

With the initial question out of the way, he found the rest easier. "I want
you to go on a training trip with me."

Akane was only able to blink for the first few moments. She was not sure
why, but she would have sworn her heart started beating faster and she felt
a little afraid. "You sure you want me to go?"

"Yeah. It would mean a lot to me," Ranma said without the slightest bit of
doubt.

Akane felt the room get a little warmer, or at least she could have sworn
it was. "Who all is going with us?"

"Oh, no one else. Just me, you, and the pervert."

"Oh that's-" the last name finally registered. "Why on earth are we taking
Happosai with us?"

"I got my reasons." Seeing Akane start to balk, Ranma tried the next best
thing he could think of. He would say the magic word. "Please, Akane. Trust
me. It'll be better for both of us in the long run if we take him along."

Akane considered the request again. Ranma seemed pretty intent on taking
her along. And he did ask her specifically instead of Shampoo, which was
very flattering. "Okay, I'll do it."

"Yes." Ranma ran off to set the second part of his plan in motion. So far
it was going on without a hitch. Now all he had to do was get the second
person he needed. Since there was a chance he might not want to go along,
extraordinary steps were going to have to be taken.

Ranma went to the nearest sink and poured cold water on himself. Once her
top was dry, the slightly damp female left to find Happosai. The search was
brief as she came across him in his room. Ranma-chan had only made it two
steps into the room before she rolled back in disgust. The little pervert
was running a pair of panties along his chin, a look of sheer enjoyment on
his face. Ranma-chan could not understand it. Having Akane's panties on her
head had not seemed the least bit stimulating at all. Actually, it had made
her feel sort of perverted.

Bracing herself for the arduous task, the redhead dared to enter the room.
As a girl, there was no way Happosai was going to deny her request,
although before setting out to find Happosai she had practiced her 'honeyed
voice,' the one that always got her extra food when she purchased it from
male food venders. If it worked on them, it would work on the master.

Ranma-chan danced into the room twirled around once for Happosai's benefit,
then sat down next to him. "I have a widdle favor to ask you." She played
her finger around his chest for good measure, forcing the feeling of nausea
back down.

Happosai was hopping up and down in excitement. "What is it?"

"Take me and Akane on a training trip."

Happosai considered that. Ordinarily he would have been all for going on a
training trip with two such luscious babes. The only problem was he had
just gotten back from being out of commission for over a decade, and wanted
to take things semi-easy for at least a little while.

Seeing the doubt start to creep up on Happosai's features, Ranma-chan began
to lay it on as thick as she could. "Pretty please, Master."

What resistance Happosai's had began to crumble. "Wellllll..."

It was time to go for the jugular. "I'll make a deal with you. After the
trip is over, I'll wear a bra for you." She knew she had him.

Happosai practically jumped through the roof in joy. Ranma-chan was going
to be willing to wear a bra for his benefit. Truly she was a far better
pupil than his two lousy first students ever were. She was showing true
concern for his welfare. "It's a deal! I'll starts packing right away. We
can leave tomorrow." He ran off to jump for joy. Not any old bra was going
to do for his star pupil. No sir. He was going to liberate one that would
be just perfect for his little Ranma-chan.

The cute facade Ranma-chan had been using fell away to reveal a sinister
look. The little pervert had fallen for the whole bit hook, line, and
sinker. Now if only the plan worked out the way it should, then they would
have nothing to fear from Happosai anymore.


It was bright and early the next day that Ranma-chan, Akane, and Happosai,
gathered together their camping gear and set out for their training
journey. Soun was tearful at the thought of his darling little girl being
left alone with only her fiancé to protect her from the master's
perversions. Genma was relieved Happosai was going. Kasumi was happily
waving good bye and telling them to have a nice trip. Nabiki cared little
one way or the other, and Shampoo-kun was miffed at being left behind, as
well as annoyed that Ranma-chan had accidentally hit him with cold water
right before the departure and there was no hot water to change back with
at the moment. The apology Ranma-chan had given had seemed too mirthful, as
though the splashing had been intentional all along and she was just
covering her tracks. Very strange indeed.

Happosai was in heaven as he prepared to set out. He was going out into the
countryside with only two beautiful girls and a bag full of women's
undergarments. There was only one thing that could possibly make it better.
Three beautiful women.

"Ranma, why don't we take Shampoo along too. Another beautiful lady would
be welcome company."

Ranma-chan found herself having to think fast. "Ah, it's because she's too
sick."

Shampoo-kun head did a quick jerk as he wondered if he had heard Ranma
properly. "Shampoo not-"

"Oh my! Shampoo's sick?" Kasumi declared, then moved right in front of
Shampoo-kun to look at him more closely. He did look a little pale. Steps
would have to be taken immediately. She said to Shampoo-kun, "Come with me.
I'll make you better." Kasumi grabbed the Amazon by the arm and dragged him
into the house. Shampoo-kun was too stunned by the bizarre turn of events
to do anything to resist her as he disappeared from everyone's sight.

Genma placed his hands on Ranma-chan's shoulders. "Boy. Your sacrifice will
not be in vain."

Soun began to bawl. "My baby girl is leaving."

Akane sighed. "Dad, it's only a little training trip. We're just going to
be gone for a few days."

That was not enough to console Soun as he loomed before Ranma-chan. "You'd
better take good care of your fiancee, Ranma. Don't let the Master do
anything to her or you'll answer to me."

"Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Like she needs me to defend her," Ranma-chan
scoffed. She then turned to Happosai. "Guess what, master. I have a nice
surprise for you."

Happosai looked at Ranma-chan curiously. She seemed just a bit too, happy.
"What is it?"

"I've decided that since you're getting on in years, that you shouldn't
have to walk such a long distance on your own. Therefore, I have gotten you
this." Ranma-chan darted around the corner of the house and returned with
what appeared to be a little children's pull wagon with a metal dog house
on top of it.

"What is it?" Happosai asked.

"It's your chariot," Ranma-chan gushed as effeminately as she could. "I'm
going to pull you along with us. And the inside is so nice. I put pillows
in and everything. Take a look."

Happosai was suspicious as he took a look inside the 'chariot.' Amazingly
enough, it was just as Ranma-chan had said. There were pillows and
everything. "Ranma," he gushed. "You're the prefect student."

"Of course I am," Ranma-chan gushed just as sweetly until Happosai crawled
in with his bag of underwear. Once inside, she slammed the door to it shut
and threw a padlock on it.

"Hey, what's going on?!" Happosai shouted from inside.

"No need to worry. It's just to make sure you won't fall out if the ride
gets bumpy," Ranma-chan cooed.

"But it's dark in here and I don't like dark places," Happosai whined.

"There's a light inside the wag...uh, I mean your chariot. Also I cut
airholes in the top so you can smoke and get fresh air."

Inside, Happosai found the light and turned it on. Sure enough, everything
was just as Ranma-chan had said. "Well that's more like it. Just make sure
you let me out when we get to where we're going."

Genma moved next to Ranma-chan and began whispering in her ear. "I think I
know what you're going to do. You're going to stuff up the airholes and
sink this thing in the bottom of a deep lake, right?"

Ranma-chan looked offended. "I am not. I'm taking the master on a training
journey, just like I said." She turned to Akane. "C'mon, let's head out."

One last round of farewells followed before the small party was allowed to
leave. They turned down the street and set off on their journey.


Night was starting to fall as Ranma-chan finally decided on a place to
camp. It was deep in the woods and as far as they could get from any real
civilization. When Akane asked Ranma-chan why she had chosen the spot, the
redhead just smiled and said, "I like it deep in the woods."

Once they were settled in, the padlock to Happosai's chariot was removed
and he was allowed outside. After going all day without even managing an
attempt at groping, Happosai felt a little drained. The underwear he had
packed with them had helped to keep him from feeling too bad, but it still
lacked the sort of enjoyment that was triggered by a quick little grab. He
was considering latching onto Ranma-chan's delightful bust when again she
gave him a cute smile that caught him off-guard. So few women ever showed
him true affection.

"Ohh, master. Allow me to take care of your belongings." Ranma-chan
snatched Happosai's bundle of underwear, still smiling sweetly at him the
entire time as she walked off a little ways.

Happosai gave off a satisfied sigh. What a wonderful disciple Genma's child
was turning out to be. There was real potential in him, the elder could
tell. Who knew? One day he might even surpass Happosai in the fine art of
Anything Goes Martial Arts.

In the distance and out of sight, Ranma-chan's voice shouted, "I'll get the
fire started too!"

Again Happosai sighed to himself. Not only was his disciple treating him
like a true master, but she had agreed to wear a brassiere as well. Drool
began to pour from his mouth as he envisioned the luscious, lithe redhead
in the brassiere he had especially picked out for her. He was well into the
third fantasy when he noticed the unusual odor. There was something vaguely
familiar about the burning scent, and that familiarity gave him a sense of
dread in his chest.

Following the scent in the air, he walked around some medium height shrubs
and made his way to the campsite. The smell had indeed come from the fire
that had been built, and in the middle of the fire was his pride and joy.
His entire portable collection of women's underwear.

The look of horror etched on Happosai's face became one of anger as he
turned his attention to Ranma-chan. A blue glow shot twenty feet in the
air, its form superficially resembling Happosai himself.  The image spoke,
rather than the real form of the old one, as it said, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO MY BEAUTIES?!

Tears began to well up in Ranma-chan's eyes. "Oh, Master. It was an
accident. I'm so, so sorry." She threw herself to the ground and began
crying.

In the face of such a display, Happosai's anger fled and the image
disappeared. Summoning his self-control, he forced himself to say, "Well,
accidents happen. And all is not lost." He whipped out the bra he had been
especially saving for Ranma-chan from out of its secure spot inside his gi.

"Well at least you saved that," Ranma-chan sighed.

Akane ran into the campfire area, concerned for Ranma-chan's welfare when
she heard Happosai's earlier rage. Remarkably, she noticed that not only
did the redhead not sound disappointed, but actually sounded relieved.

With Ranma-chan's acceptance of what was going to be, Happosai walked away
from the campfire to be alone. Ranma-chan's bra was the last undergarment
he had to use on the whole training mission. But with the younger Saotome
agreeing to wear the bra, there was no way Happosai could call off the
trip. That knowledge proved almost too much to bear as he began crying in
one of the cups of the bra.

His tearful display lasted almost the whole hour. It would have continued
on longer, save that Ranma-chan found him to let him know that dinner was
ready. The idea of getting some decent food appealed to Happosai, so he
followed hot on Ranma-chan's heels and to the campfire. Arriving there,
Happosai found it was exactly as Ranma-chan had said. There were several
rather elaborate dishes set out around the campfire and a kettle of water
warming over the fire. Happosai was about to sit down next to one of the
trays when Ranma-chan hopped into a cross-legged sitting position and said,
"Here, sit on my lap."

The opportunity was too good to pass up. Happosai jumped into the girl's
lap and snuggled against it, almost like a baby.

"You're so cute," Ranma-chan cooed. "Here, Master. Let me serve you." She
indicated for Akane to give her a bowl of food.

The whole situation was freaking out Akane. Ranma-chan had warned her right
before going over to retrieve Happosai that she might behave a bit
strangely, but Akane was not to worry; it was all part of the plan.
However, when Ranma-chan had said strangely, Akane had had no idea of what
she was truly in for. Snuggling up to Shampoo-kun, okay, in a weird
perverted way that made sense, but to allow Happosai to snuggle up with her
defied all the bounds of logic. Still, Akane managed to keep it together
long enough to hand Ranma-chan the bowl that she wanted.

Happosai watched in anticipation as Ranma-chan brought out a spoonful of
the gooey, gray substance and raised it next to Happosai's lips. "You are a
far better pupil than that deadbeat father of yours ever was, Ranma. Did
you make this?"

"No. Akane did," Ranma-chan told him, then flashed a smile Akane's way. Not
knowing what to make of the increasingly bizarre behavior, Akane smiled
back, and sweatdropped just a little.

"Open your mouth and close your eyes. You're going to be in for a big
surprise," Ranma-chan said as she served Happosai a huge mouthful of the
substance. Happosai opened up quickly and allowed Ranma-chan to feed him.
Before he even had a chance to effectively taste the first bite, a second
one was jammed into his mouth. Then a third. All Happosai was able to
manage was a, "Urghmumphmemph," which roughly translated into, "Not so
fast."

At last Happosai had a chance to taste the food, even as the first several
spoonfuls hit his stomach all at once. Unable to speak through the stuffing
Ranma-chan was doing to him, all he could think was "Why didn't they tell
me it wasn't fit for human consumption?"

Like a girl possessed, Ranma-chan kept forcing spoonful after spoonful of
Akane's food into the master's mouth and into his stomach. There was no
hope for the diminutive man as he was too weak to resist Ranma-chan's
attack.

Akane watched as her fiancee proceeded to feed all of the food to Happosai.
"Ranma, save some for yourself."

"Are you kidding?" Ranma-chan said in a surprisingly honeyed voice as she
continued to stuff food down Happosai's throat. "The Master can't get
enough of your cooking. And since he appreciates it far more than I ever
could, we'll let him eat it all. And don't bother cooking anything else. I
brought along some of Kasumi's leftovers that will go bad if we don't eat
them tonight."

Akane was a little reluctant to settle for the leftovers, but Happosai was
indeed eating her cooking without a word of protest. It appeared that the
little old pervert did have one nice characteristic: he knew how to
appreciate good cooking.

Ranma-chan's eyes had almost a glazed look to them as she kept stuffing
food down Happosai's throat. "Y'know, when we get back, I bet the Master
would just love for you to cook for him every night. Just look at the way
he's packing it down."

The very idea sent shivers of fear down Happosai's spine. Using his last
reserves of strength, Happosai forced himself off Ranma-chan's lap and
struggled to his feet. "No more." His voice came out as a harsh, rasping
gasp. "Can't take it. Ranma. The trip is over. I can't take anymore."

Ranma-chan looked at him with the faintest hint of tears in her eyes. "But
you said we could go on this trip."

"I can't take it anymore."

Ranma-chan sighed. "I am so disappointed, but if you feel that it's
necessary, then so be it."

It was settled, but it was too late. Without any groping all day long,
without any underwear to snuggle against, after being horrendously
poisoned, Happosai had nothing left to give. There was only one last thing
that could save him now. He pulled out the special bra and waved in
Ranma-chan's direction. "You  promised."

Ranma-chan nodded happily. "I certainly did." She started to take off her
top, then seemed to notice Akane. "Look, I need some privacy. Could you
turn around?"

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Akane knew that Ranma-chan
had given her word, but it seemed too high a price to pay. Surely they
could arrange some sort of alternate solution, rather than having
Ranma-chan display herself like a model of some kind to the demented old
pervert.

"Yep. Just turn around."

Akane gave in. So far Ranma-chan had acted strangely for the entire trip,
yet somewhere deep inside, Akane thought there was a method to her seeming
madness. So she elected to do as the redhead asked one last time, silently
vowing to turn around if it sounded like Happosai was groping Ranma-chan.

Akane listened closely to the events that took place behind her. She could
hear Happosai say, "That's it, Ranma take the bra...hey! What are you doing
with that kettle of hot water?" Akane heard the sound of splashing water.
Again Happosai spoke, "Now you've ruined the moment. Wait! Ranma, don't put
it on. No! Stop! I don't want to see that. Agh! That is disgusting. Now
you've ruined it." She could hear the sound of Happosai's crying. When that
became too much to bear, she turned around to see what had just happened.

She turned in time to see the bra pitched onto the fire. A further glance
showed the now male Ranma putting his top back on. Akane aware that she was
now staring at Ranma's muscular back, and a faint red was blossoming in her
cheeks.

When Ranma at last noticed the stare, as he finished putting on his shirt,
he asked, "What's your problem?"

Akane turned quickly away. "Nothing."

"You didn't see me wear that thing, did ya?"

"No, no," Akane said.

Ranma seemed to accept that at face value. All he said to Akane was, "Let's
leave the lech alone. We'll sleep over here." He indicated a place far off
to the side and well away from Happosai's motionless form. From where she
stood, Akane could see that his chest was still falling and rising, and she
wasn't foolish enough to try to get closer to the old coot and allow
himself to reenergize himself with a quick grope.

The duo retired to their individual tents, zipping them up as an additional
precaution against Happosai, though both felt they were being too
overcautious.

The next morning, the duo woke up to discover that Happosai was nowhere to
be found. All that was left to show that he was ever there was a note,
written in barely legible scrawl:

Dear Ranma and Akane,
 I regret to inform you that I must leave you now. I know this must bring
you great
sorrow, but circumstances force me to leave both you and the dojo. There's
no way I'm going through another night like that again. I'm too old and
can't do that sort of thing anymore. I'll drop by from time to time, but as
for now, I can no longer be your master, Ranma. Tell the others I will miss
them. And tell those two ungrateful students of mine that I will be back to
catch up on old times, once I have caught my breath.

        Sincerely yours,
        Happosai.


Ranma was practically crying as he began jumping up and down and shouting,
"Yes, Akane! It worked. The old coot's gone! Let's go back home."

Ranma's good mood was infectious as Akane at last understood why Ranma had
behaved as he had. Later on, she also noted that the trip back was
extraordinarily cheerful, and  discovered that she could actually enjoy
spending time with Ranma. Even with how bizarre the first day had gone,
Akane counted the whole thing as a joyful experience.

When the duo arrived home, Ranma burst through the door and headed straight
for the living room. They were all there, and Ranma explained all that had
happened, showing the letter to everyone. Especially his father.

"So, you ready to pay up?" Ranma asked.

Genma suddenly became concerned. It was true he had given certain promises
to Ranma, but there was no need to actually going through with them. "You
aren't going to hold me up to that foolish bet, are you, son?"

Ranma's grin was ear to ear. "What do you think, pop?"


The next day found Shampoo-kun, Akane, Nabiki, and Ranma-chan preparing for
school.
Just as they were about to leave, Ranma-chan shouted back inside, "Don't
forget, you gotta do whatever Kasumi says until I get back."

"You sure I can't purchase your father's services for at least a day?"
Nabiki asked.

Ranma-chan's grin that had started the day before upon showing her father
the letter, had not faltered in the least and was still there, just the
same as before. "No way. No amount of money in the world would be worth
giving up a single minute of his service."

Akane sighed. Even as difficult as Genma was, she still thought Ranma was
being a bit cruel. "I still think the uniform was a bit much. Where did you
get it anyway?"

"The pervert must have grabbed it by accident when he went on one of his
panty raids," Ranma-chan said. "I think it suits pop."

Inside the house, Genma looked down at the French maid's outfit Ranma was
forcing him to wear while doing the housework. All Genma could do was look
to the heavens and shout out, "Oh, the humanity!"


Epilogue

It was lunch time, and Yoshi ate in the cafeteria, as usual. Too bad it was
far from a usual day for him. In fact, it was one of the worst. He didn't
want to be at school, even if his best friend, Atsushi, was there to
console him. Besides, Atsushi really wasn't that good at consolations.

Again Yoshi tired poured his heart out to his friend. "I can't believe she
dumped me for that guy."

"Hey, women are like that," Atsushi said in the same uncaring manner he
always did. "I told you a long distance relationship wouldn't work."

The 'I told you so,' did nothing to improve Yoshi's mood. "But she doesn't
even know him. She just said he's good looking and she's pretty sure she
can take him out."

"I didn't think she was that aggressive," Atsushi said, wondering how he
could have misjudged Yoshi's old flame that badly. "What's the guy's name
anyway?"

Yoshi's hand formed into a fist. "Ranma Saotome. If I ever meet him he is
dead meat."

Atsushi noticed how the guy directly behind Yoshi suddenly stiffened at the
mention of the name. Slowly, the brown-haired figure turned to look
directly at Yoshi's eyes.

"You said the guy's name is Ranma Saotome, right?"

"Ah, yes," Yoshi said, not realizing he had been babbling loud enough to be
heard and hoped the unfamiliar guy was the only that had been paying any
attention.

"I see. Exactly what high school does this ex-girlfriend of yours attend?"
Ukyou Kuonji asked as she began the form the first vestiges of her plan of
the holy vengeance her old fiancé so richly deserved.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Can't take responsibility for the 'Castration Kick' line in the skating
part of the chapter. I read it in another fic whose title eludes me at the
moment.

Special thanks to Gary Kleppe and L.Ang for looking this over as well.

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