Ranma 1/2 Presents:
Shampoo 1/2
Chapter 6
The Ranma of the Opera
(What's gone on before, or All you really need to know to understand what's
going on in this fanfic. It's an alternate universe: The Saotome's travel
to Jusenkyou and start fighting at the same time Shampoo and Mousse are
having a duel there. One mid-air collision, and falling into Spring of
Young Drowned Man later, we have a male Shampoo as well as a female Ranma.
Shampoo travels to Japan with Ranma and is briefly engaged to Kasumi. After
that is cleared up, Ranma becomes engaged to Akane. During the first day of
school, water and confusion mix, leaving everyone to believe that female
Ranma is Shampoo and male Shampoo is Ranma Saotome. Matters are worsened
when Nabiki reveals that "All you need to do to date the handsome 'Ranma
Saotome' is beat him in combat." [Sound familiar?] The girls have been
attacking him before and after school ever since.)
As always, any C+C would be very appreciated.
Standard Disclaimer:
I don't own these characters. They are owned by the Goddess Takahashi and
whomever she leased the rights to. Buy Ranma stuff. Not only is it low in
calories but it can take care of that annoying money people keep giving you
for work. Remember, Ranma is good food.
The Phantom of the Opera is owned by Andrew Lloyd Webber or some other guy.
Not me.
Act I
Casting Call
The scene is the Tendo household, in the morning before school. We see
Akane is laying in her bed with Kasumi sticking a thermometer in her mouth.
Nabiki, Ranma-chan, and Shampoo-kun are in their school clothes waiting for
Akane. Kasumi takes the thermometer out of her mouth and gives the verdict.
Kasumi: (To Akane) You have a temperature of 101 degrees. You are staying
home.
Ranma-chan: Lucky dog.
Akane: (Weakly) I don't feel lucky. I thought it was just a cold.
(Sniffles)
Shampoo-kun: Shampoo take notes for Akane. No worry
The three head off for school. Akane lies in bed under the covers.
Akane: I got a bad feeling about today.
We cut to school where we see several female students are walking down one
of the halls.
Girl #1: I heard Ranma was talking to you yesterday.
Girl #2: (Gets a dreamy look in her eyes.) He did.
Girl #3: What did he say?
Girl #2: He said, "Stupid Girl no use cattle prod again." Then he belted me
right to the front step of my house. (Sighs.)
Girl #4: I wish he would do that to me.
Girl #1: (Stops in front of a bulletin board. Reads something on it.) OH
NO!
The others hear her declaration and see what it was about. They read the
papers on the board as well.
Girl #2: I didn't realize it was that time of the year.
Girl #4: See who the male lead is.
Girl #3: (Closes eyes) I know who it's going to be. (Looks) Yep. It's him.
Girl #1: Has anyone signed on for the female lead yet?
Girl #3: (Reads) Nope. And you know what that means.
Girl #2: Why don't we just get Akane Tendo to do it again this year?
Girl #4: She's sick and absent. You know, if no one signs up by the end of
the day he'll just abduct someone like he did the two years before we got
Akane to do it.
Girl #1: Those two never were right again. I went with Yuka to visit a
friend at Tomobiki. She saw that alien princess zap some guy and she
freaked. Nervous breakdown right on the spot.
Girl #4: Who can we get that would be stupid enough to sign up?
It is, of course, at this moment that Ranma-chan walks by.
Girl #3: (Calling out) Oh Shampoo. Guess what? We have a favor to ask you.
Ranma-chan: (Irritated) I ain't putting any kind of drug in Ranma's food.
Girl #1: It's not about Ranma. There's this play the school is having, and
we think you would be the best for the part.
Ranma-chan: Me? You gotta be kidding.
Girl #2: No. I agree you would be the best choice. You are one of the best
actresses I have ever seen.
Ranma-chan: (Thinks) You don't know the half of it.(Out loud) I don't have
time for that.
Girl #1: Akane did it last year, but I bet you could do a better job than
her.
Ranma-chan: (Throwing her chest out.) Darn right I could. In fact, to prove
it, I will sign up. Give me a pen.
Girl #3 gives her a pen and Ranma-chan writes down her name for auditions
the next day.
Ranma-chan: (With a smug look on her face.) I'll show them. Thanks guys.
Girl #1: Hey, thank you.
Ranma-chan walks off.
Girl #2: What a dope.
Girl #4: She will never forgive us for what we just did to her.
Girl #3: Better her than us.
The girls walk away. None see the small figure that walks up to the female
casting sheet.
Happozai: So Ranma is doing Juliet. Wait until she meets her Romeo.
The next day we see Ranma-chan and Akane walking down the same hall of
Furinkan.
Ranma-chan: You sure you should be coming back to school.
Akane: Ub course. My nobe ib just stubbed ub.
Ranma-chan: (Hiding a smile) What was that?
Akane: (Louder) My nobe ib stubbed ub.
Ranma-chan: What?
Akane: (Shouting) My nobe ib stubbed up! MY NOBE IS STUBBED UP! BAKA!
Ranma-chan: I almost forgot to tell you, (smugly) I am the lead in the
school play.
Akane: I didn'b know ib wab thab time ob year. (Pauses) Waib a minube, whab
play ib it?
Ranma-chan: Ummm, Romero and Jewels I think.
Akane: Do you mean, Romeo and Jubuiet?
Ranma-chan: Yeah, maybe it was.
Akane: Do you know whab it ib about?
Ranma-chan: Probably a gemologist or something.
Akane: (Smacks Ranma in the head.) No stoobid. Ib's aboub a lube story.
Ranma-chan: A lube story? It's about cars then.
Akane: Not lube, lube, LUBE. (Makes kiss noises with her mouth) Kibbeb and
stubb.
Ranma-chan: A love story? ALL RIGHT. I get to kiss the girl. (Starts
dancing around.)
Akane: (Flatly) You are the girl. (That came out all right.)
Ranma-chan: Don't be stupid. I'm a gu...(Realization sets in) Uh oh!
Akane: I wonder who the male lead ib. (Reads the sheet) HAHAHAHA!
Ranma-chan: What's so funny?
Akane: Your true lube. He ib gonna be bo habby.
Ranma-chan: (Reads) OH NO! Not Kunou
Kunou: (From out of nowhere, grabs Ranma-chan.) Shampoo, my Goddess. I see
that you are becoming a thespian to bring yourself closer to me. I contend
that we need not wait to take the stage to consummate the passion which
stirs within us. We may date now.
Ranma-chan: I'd rather date Mousse as a panda than go out with you.
(Punches Kunou into a wall. To Akane.) There has got to be some way out of
this.
Akane: I'll do the bart.
Ranma-chan: Would you?
Akane: Yeb. Leb's go.
The two set off to go to the theater attached to the school. They arrive in
the large but rather darkened auditorium.
Akane: A worb of warning. The director ib kind of ecbentric.
The overture to Phantom of the Opera suddenly blares out from hidden
speakers. A figure descends from a guide wire from the ceiling. He is
wearing stylish black suit, a cape with red interior and Director written
on the back. Black hat on the head and half mask on his face. He makes it
halfway down without a problem when the wire's descent changes into a
freefall. The director hits the ground hard. The music stops. A sweatdrop
forms behind Ranma-chan's head.
Director: (Shouting into the rafters.) You insolent fools. You were
supposed to set me down gently.
Stagehand #1: (Calling down) Sorry.
Ranma-chan: This guy is nuts.
Akane: He comes highby recommended. He ib baid to habe worked with Andrew
Bboyd Webber.
Ranma-chan: The car salesman?
Akane: The playwright!
Director: (Brushing himself off.) Greetings! You have come for the
auditions, have you not? (Goes up to Ranma-chan) You must be Shampoo and
(Surprised) Akane Tendo, so nice to see you again.
Ranma-chan: You know this guy?
Akane: (Proudly) Yeb. I wab the lead in the school play labt year.
Ranma-chan: What was it?
Akane: Suber Ninja Girl vs. The Muck Monbter.
Ranma-chan: (Dryly) A role you were born for.
Director: (A smile can be seen from the lower portion of his face not
covered by the mask.) She was such a natural she required no additional
training. Since you did such a good job last year, you will be allowed to
go first Akane.
Akane: Bank You. (She picks up a copy of the play laying around and reads.)
Romeo, Romeo, bhere for art bou Romeo.
Director: Could you do that again? (Akane repeats. The director sighs and
shakes his head.) Your skills have clearly atrophied since last year. I am
afraid I cannot give you the part.
Akane: (Pleading) Bub ib's jusb a cobe. I'bb be ober it boon.
Director: There is no time for delay. Shampoo, you win by default.
Ranma-chan: But I changed my mind. Sorry. (Turns to leave.)
Director: (Ominously) Once you have entered the stage there is no way out
but to go forward. The show must go on. Look around you. (Waves his hand
throughout the auditorium.) There is no one else. Besides, if you refuse I
will fail you in theater.
Ranma-chan: You can't do that!
Director: I have the influence to do so. Just not the desire. You will
accept, yes? (Ranma-chan reluctantly nods her head.) Good. See you
tomorrow.
The music blares forth once again as the director runs into the darkness of
the stage laughing maniacally.
Ranma-chan: There has got to be some way out of this.
Ranma-chan does not notice the depressed expression on Akane face.
Later in class Ranma-chan is still trying to figure a way out of the
predicament.
Ranma-chan: It ain't like I mind bein' in the play. It's just there ain't
no way I am kissing Kunou, or any other guy for that matter. There has got
to be some way out. Too bad everyone knows Ukyou's a girl, or I could ask
her. Wait a minute. (Turns to Shampoo-kun) Shampoo could you do me a really
big favor?
Shampoo-kun: Un-huh.
Ranma-chan: Would you try out for the lead in the school play? I gotta be
in it as Juliet and there ain't no way I'm kissing a guy. But since you're
really a girl, it's O.K.
Shampoo-kun: (Pauses for a moment with an unreadable look in his eye.) Yes.
Shampoo is willing to do.
Ranma-chan: Great! You're a lifesaver.
The next day the director is preparing the stage for the auditions. He is
immersed in his work when his thought are interrupted by a perverted voice.
Happozai: You can relax now. Your Romeo is here.
Director: (Incredulously) You wish to audition? Are you a student?
Happozai: I am if it means a love scene with a Juliet by the name of
Ranma...no, wait, I guess that's Shampoo here.
Director: Very well. You may try out.
Happozai gets on the stage and starts saying his lines, poorly.
Happozai: Now when do I get to practice the kissing scene with Juliet.
Director Actually I would like you to read one more scene. Could you do it
over there? (Indicates an area on the stage with a big X on it.)
Happozai: Sure. (This time is even worse than the first.)
Director: I am afraid that that atrocity, which you insist is acting, does
not qualify you to star in a kindergarten rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider. I
must give you the boot.
The director touches a button on his belt which triggers a giant twenty
foot high boot to descend from the rafters to drop right on Happozai, who
is crushed flat. A hook then comes across the stage and takes the mess off.
Director: So is the fate of those that would act poorly. I hope it does not
come to that with today's duo.
Later we see the boot is gone but the X remains. Kunou, Shampoo-kun, Akane,
and Ranma-chan are here to watch the auditions.
Kunou: Saotome. How dare you try to steal a kiss from the innocent lips of
my beloved Shampoo. I would smite thee if I thought there was some obscure
chance that you could somehow outperform me in acting.
Ranma-chan: (To Shampoo-kun) Ranma, I know this a bit late, but are you any
good at acting?
Shampoo-kun: Ranma not know. But willing to try.
Kunou: He cannot even refer to himself in anything but the third person. I
shall win easily. (He starts laughing maniacally. A sweatdrop forms on the
back of Ranma's head.)
The music begins and once again the Director appears out of nowhere.
Director: It is time for the auditions. Kunou, you may begin.
All the Shakespeare Kunou blurts out is no wasted here. His poise is
confident and supreme. His skills at sounding like a Shakespearean actor
are brought to a head.
Director: (Impressed) That was excellent Kunou. I have every bit of
confidence that the role of Romeo will be in good hands this year. Your
turn Ranma.
Shampoo-kun: (Steps forward) Romeo think...(Clears throat nervously.)
Ranma-chan: (Looks up to the ceiling). I am so doomed.
Director: Before you begin again, please stand on the X over there, would
you? (He moves his hand closer to his belt.)
Shampoo-kun walks over the X and begins to clear his throat once more. As
he finishes his posture suddenly changes and he exudes an air of
confidence. He begins to read in perfect Japanese. As he finishes everyone
stands with their mouths agape at his performance. He has acted on a level
none thought possible (especially when one considers he has never spoken
anything but broken Japanese). It is perfection. The Director's hand moves
away from the button on his belt.
Director: That was easily the most magnificent performance I have ever had
the pleasure of witnessing. I have a great feeling about this play. This
may be the one to let the world acknowledge my greatness once again. (To
everyone) Enough for today. It is decided. Ranma Saotome is Romeo.
Ranma-chan: (Whispers in Shampoo-kun's ear.) How'd you do that?
Shampoo-kun: (Quietly) Shampoo rent, "How to do Shakespeare in Ten Easy
Steps" last night.
Kunou finally manages to react.
Kunou: But you cannot. I was born for the role.
Director: Ranma is better. You shall be the understudy in case something
happens to Ranma.
Kunou: (Thinks) That I can guarantee.
Later in the day the Director is ordering his stagehands to prepare some
props.
Stagehand #1: Sir. Where do we put the tumbleweeds for the shoot out scene?
Director: There are neither tumbleweeds nor shoot outs in Romeo and Juliet.
Stagehand #2: (To #1) Right you dope. Those are for My Fair Lady.
Director: (Shakes his fist) All of you leave before my rage consumes you.
Everyone scatters. Several moments later a group of about forty girls come
into the auditorium.
Director: What are you doing here?
Girl #1: Sir. We are here for the part of Juliet.
Director: Auditions were yesterday. Why didn't you come then?
Girl #2: Ranma wasn't Romeo then.
Director: (Shakes his head.) It doesn't matter. Shampoo already has the
role. I have a good feeling about her.
Girl #3: There must be some way we can get Ranma to kiss...I mean win the
role of Juliet.
Director: (Jumps up, and poses. His voice booms out dramatically from the
speakers.) If a disaster beyond all imagination were to occur to Shampoo.
Then I would use an understudy. (Speakers cut out and the Director sits
down.) But it would have to be something truly terrible. Dismemberment,
decapitation, dysentery, that sort of thing.
Girl #4: (Smiling) I think something can be arranged.
The next morning we see the girls in class are talking amongst themselves.
Shampoo-kun, Akane and Ranma-chan are not present yet. Sayuri comes up to
the door and walks up to the desk where Godai-sensai is sitting.
Sayuri: Sir. There is a telephone call for you.
Godai-sensei: Who is it?
Sayuri: (Panicking) You're wife?
Godai-sensai: (Thinks) I wonder what Karinin-san... I mean Kyoko could
want. I can't believe I still think of her as karinin-san. I wonder if it
was about last night. Neither of us got much sleep. Heh heh.
Godai-sensei gets up to leave with thoughts of last night in his head. So
lost in thought is he that he misses the door and walks into the wall.
Godai-sensei: I can't believe I still do that either. (Walks out.)
Sayuri: I thought he would never leave. (To the girls) The target is
coming.
All the girls in the class, except Ukyou, pull a variety of weapons from
concealed spots on their person. They line up next to wall by the door,
ready to attack Ranma-chan, when she comes through the door. They hear
footsteps coming. All tense up to attack. Suddenly the wall next to them
shatters, burying them in the rubble. Shampoo-kun has entered the room in
his own unique way.
Ranma-chan: I told you to let us open doors.
Shampoo-kun: Sorry. (Looks down and notices the girls buried in the
rubble.) Wonder what stupid girls up to now. (Steps on several as he enters
the room.)
After class Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun go to rehearsal. Both regular actors
and understudies are present. Shampoo-kun leads off in the readings for the
Director. He has nothing but good things to say about Shampoo-kun's job.
Ranma-chan's turn comes. It is an uninspiring performance.
Director: (Sounding concerned.) Next line.
Ranma-chan's next line is as bad as the first.
Director: I was afraid of this. I was fortunate last year that Akane Tendo
was such a natural in her role. You, however, need my special acting
training. The rest of you continue.
The Phantom of the Opera starts blaring out over the speakers once again as
the Director quickly grabs Ranma-chan and hoists her over his shoulder. She
is so surprised that she doesn't get a chance to resist as he laughs
maniacally and runs down a secret passage in the stage which leads to the
sewers under Nerima. There is a waiting boat which he throws Ranma-chan
into. He then jumps in, grabs a pole, and starts pushing them down a
passage. Ranma-chan finally recovers.
Ranma-chan: What are you? Some kind of pervert?
Director: No. We are going to a secluded training facility. There I will
train you to become a magnificent actress.
Ranma-chan: In the sewers?
Director: Forgive me, but old habits die hard.
Ranma-chan: How come the music is still playing? (The song can still be
heard clearly.)
Director: I had them install speakers down here to set the mood.
Ranma-chan sighs. After a little while they arrive in a chamber recently
added to the sewer. The music finally stops. Ranma-chan gets out of the
boat and looks the place over. It is made if stone and is musty, but out of
the raw sewage. The Director gets out of the boat and walks over to
Ranma-chan.
Director: Wear this. (He snaps a metal bracelet on Ranma-chan's wrist.,
then walks to the far side of the room.)
Ranma-chan: What's this for?
Director: It will help your performance. Now speak for me my angel of
acting. (She reads from her copy of the play.)
Ranma-chan says her lines with little enthusiasm.
Director: Say it with more feeling.
He pushes a button on his wrist. About a thousand volts of electricity
shoot through Ranma-chan's bracelet and into Ranma-chan. Her hair sticks
straight out as the current passes through her and we can briefly see her
skeleton in the flash.
Ranma-chan: ( She recovers slightly) Whad' you do that for?
Director: It is part of the special conditioning.
Ranma-chan: I'll show you special conditioning. (Walks over to hit the
Director.)
Director: That's no way to talk to your acting coach. (Pushes the button
again. Same results.)
Ranma-chan: (Thinks) Great. I can't even get close to him.
Director: Next line.
Ranma-chan says something wrong this time. The Director pushes the button
again.
Director: Don't lose hope. We will work on this even if it kills you.
Ranma-chan: I wonder what odds Nabiki would give on that.
Director: That wasn't in the script. (The button is pushed again.)
Much later in the evening Ranma-chan finally shows up at the dojo. We see
Ranma-chan's hair is sticking straight up from all the amperage. She has a
distant look in her eye. She knocks on the door, Kasumi answers.
Kasumi: I love what you've done to your hair.
Ranma-chan: (With a far off glassy stare.) Thanks. (She goes into the house
where Akane and the TV are and sits down.)
Akane: What kept you?
Ranma-chan: (Still in a far off voice.) Acting coach.
Akane: Figures, you'd get some kind of inside deal. What's that on your
wrist? (Points to bracelet.)
Ranma-chan: (Still in shock.) A device to make me a better actor. It shocks
you when you screw up.
Akane: How many times did you get shocked?
Ranma-chan: I heard him complaining about having to hook up to the Tokyo
main power grid.
Akane: Why don't you give up and let me do it?
Ranma-chan: No.
Genma: (Comes into the room.) Ranma. You're late for practice.
Ranma-chan: (Distantly) Sorry. (Gets up to go into the backyard.)
Genma confronts his son. It only takes one powerful blow which he doesn't
even try to defend. Ranma-chan ends up in the drink.
Genma: I was afraid of this. The play seems to be sapping your strength
boy. Why don't we take this bracelet off. (Tries to pry it off.)
Ranma-chan: (Starting to come around.) Wh...what. No! Don't!
Too late, Genma tries to pry it off and causes both of them to receive a
thousand volts.
Ranma-chan: (Muttering.) Tried that. Tamper proof. (Passes out.)
The scene is the next day at rehearsal. The focus is on the dozens of
girls, reading over manuscripts. Kunou and Shampoo-kun are fighting in the
background, running back and forth as one gets the advantage over the
other.
Kunou: Have at thee Saotome. (Runs him off screen swinging the bokken.)
Shampoo-kun: (Comes back chasing Kunou off, the opposite side of the
screen, with bonbori in hand.) You go away Stupid Sword Boy.
Girl #1: Think we should help Ranma?
Kunou: (Comes back bearing a giant pole arm and chases Shampoo-kun off
screen the other way.) Your lips will never touch those of my love goddess.
Girl #2: Nah. It's just Kunou. He can handle him.
Shampoo-kun: (Returns bearing a running chainsaw and hockey mask. He chases
Kunou off screen.) Shampoo not want to kiss you.
Kunou: (A gout of flame preludes his return. Shampoo-kun runs away from a
flame thrower wielding Kunou.) The very idea that you could out act me is
enough to make me cry, were it not so laughable.
Stagehand's Voice: (From off screen.) Quit playing with the props for West
Side Story
Shampoo-kun: (Returns bearing a hand held unknown object. He uses it to
block the flames until Kunou runs out of fuel, then smacks him in the head
with it, knocking him unconscious. Looks at the object.) Akane lunch good
for something.
Girl #3: Where's Shampoo?
Girl #1: (Enviously) She's getting special training from The Director.
We see the lights dim and hear a loud scream from somewhere underground.
Girl #2: Lucky dog.
The scene opens to the Tendo house. Ranma-chan is staring off into space
sitting next to Nabiki. Her hair is sticking straight up once again. Akane
enters the room.
Nabiki: Hey Akane, this is so neat. Watch.
Nabiki uses a stun gun she has in her hand on Ranma-chan. (Zap) Ranma-chan
says a line from the play. (Zap) Says another line from the play.
Nabiki: Talk about well conditioned. I wonder if I can buy the method off
of that director.
Akane: Stop that Nabiki.
Nabiki: Don't worry. It's at the lowest setting. He doesn't have enough
brain cells left that I would fry too many more of them.
Akane: (Takes the stun gun.) Ranma has had enough electricity for one day.
Nabiki walks off disappointed. Akane looks sympathetically at the charred
Ranma-chan.
Akane: Why don't you just let me take the part?
Ranma-chan: (Distantly and staring off into space.) No. I gotta see this
through.
Akane: But you can't take much more.
Ranma-chan: I gotta do better. I can do this.
Akane: (Tearfully) You are so stupid.
Akane ups the power on the stun gun and shocks Ranma-chan, and then runs
off. Ranma-chan continues to sit there unmoving. Kasumi comes into the
room, cleaning. She unplugs one of the lamps, intending to clean it.
Kasumi: Ranma, hold this, would you?
She places the lamp in Ranma's hand and starts to clean. The bulb comes on
when Ranma grasps the base.
Kasumi: Oh, how nice. You want to help us with the electric bill. Ranma,
you are so thoughtful.
She unplugs the television., a radio, a microwave, and the spotlight on the
top of the roof, and gives all the cords to the motionless Ranma-chan to
hold. All the appliances come on.
The scene changes to the next morning before school starts. We are in the
homeroom and see several girls fooling around with Ranma-chan's desk.
Girl #1: Are sure this is going to work?
Girl #2: Yes. The chemistry club promised me this contact poison will make
Shampoo sick as a dog for a week.
She pulls out a brush and coats the entire desk with the poison. The girls
then sit down and giggle to themselves. This incident has not gone
unnoticed by Ukyou.
Ukyou: (Thinks) I can't let them do that to Ranchan. Shampoo, yes, Ranma,
no.
Akane, Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun, race into the room. They are followed by
Godai-sensei. They quickly run to sit down at their desks. Ranma-chan is
about to put her hands on it when Ukyou slides her combat spatula under the
legs and flips it in mid-air. It flies over to the two girls who poisoned
the desk, who catch it reflexively. They then fall over and pass out.
Godai-sensei: No napping in class. Report to the principle's office. (They
don't move.) Someone take them down to the principle's office. (Two boys
get up and carry the girls down to the principle's office.)
The scene changes after school at the Tendo house once again. Ranma-chan
comes into the house smiling. Her hair is only sticking up a little. Akane
sees her grin.
Akane: (Suspiciously) What are you so happy about?
Ranma-chan: The Director says I'm getting better. He shocked me only half
the time he usually does. I think I'm getting used to the electricity too.
Akane: (Dryly) Great.
Ranma-chan: Why are you so angry?
Akane: (Snapping) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Ranma-chan: You've been acting really mean since I got this part.
Akane: (Yelling) I have not! I don't care what you do! Win an Academy! Fry!
I don't care! (She stomps off into the kitchen where Kasumi is cooking.)
Kasumi: (Stops cooking) What's wrong?
Akane: (Snapping) Nothing's wrong. Why does everyone keep asking me if
anything's wrong?
Kasumi: It's about the play isn't it.
Akane: (Sits down and speaks in a more even tone) I want to be Juliet. I
have always wanted to be Juliet. Now that jerk is. He's not even a girl. It
just isn't right. And worse yet, he acts like he wants the part now.
Kasumi: (Sits down as well.) Maybe he does.
Akane: He asked me to take his place. It's not my fault I had a cold. I
should be Juliet. I want it so bad, I would kiss Kunou if I had to. He's
just doing this to spite me. He knows how much I want the part and he wants
to keep me from it.
Kasumi: Ranma is not that way.
Akane: (Growling) Yes he is. You just don't know him like I do.
We see Ranma-chan sitting in her room reading a book by lamplight. She is
holding the reading light by the base. We can see the lamp is not plugged
in. There is a knocking on the door. Ranma-chan lets Shampoo-kun in.
Shampoo-kun: Shampoo want know if Ranma want practice lines. Play coming up
soon.
Ranma-chan: Yeah. That's a good idea. Let's go up on the roof where we can
have some privacy.
The two head up to the roof and start rehearsing their lines. Shampoo-kun
can see that Ranma-chan's acting has improved a great deal. They eventually
get to the marriage scene.
Ranma-chan: (Finishes her line) Ummm. This says we kiss.
Shampoo-kun: Yes. (Shampoo-kun draws closer.)
Ranma-chan: (Smiling) You aren't gonna give me a Kiss of Death or nothin',
are you?
Shampoo-kun: (Chuckling) No, Shampoo not do that.
Ranma-chan: (More seriously) Well, are you sure you want to go through with
it? I mean, after all, I will be a girl.
Shampoo-kun: Shampoo know. Not stupid. (Draws closer.)
Ranma-chan: And you will be a guy.
Shampoo-kun: (Stops moving forward.) Ranma not want go through with it?
Ranma-chan: (Quickly) No. I mean yes. (Calms down.) What I mean is, we
gotta do it. (Proudly) It's for the show.
Shampoo-kun: (Proudly as well) Shampoo like play. Like acting. Shampoo want
to do to even if Ranma girl.
Shampoo-kun moves closer again. Ranma-chan notices Shampoo-kun's breath on
her face. She looks into the boy's eyes.
Ranma-chan: (Voice starting to sound far away.)You know, I never noticed it
before, but your eyes don't change like the rest of you.
Shampoo-kun: (Voice starting to sound far off as well.) Ranma eyes no
change either.
Their lips are about an inch away, and still getting closer, when they are
interrupted.
Demon form of Soun: (Shouting) WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOU ARE DOING?
Both of them are so frightened they fall off the roof and land on their
heads in the backyard. Genma is sitting there, on the porch, with a copy of
the play in hand.
Genma: (To the two still upside down.) Ranma, it says here you have to kiss
Romeo.
Ranma-chan: (Picking self up) Yeah. So?
Genma: Romeo is a man.
Shampoo-kun: (Picking self up.) Shampoo Romeo. So not really boy.
Genma: Still, Tendo and I think it would be a far better idea for you to be
Romeo and Akane to be Juliet.
Ranma-chan: It don't work that way. Even if I could somehow convince the
Director to change, I've been studying Juliet's lines.
Shampoo-kun: And Shampoo want be in play.
Genma: Well then, you should at least rehearse with Akane. It will give you
practice. Try this part. (He points to a scene with kissing.)
Ranma-chan: Why would I want to rehearse kissing with an uncute tomboy like
that?
A dresser drops from a second story window and lands directly on
Ranma-chan.
Akane: (Looking down from the window.) I am glad you would much rather kiss
a guy than me you pervert! I wouldn't let your lips near mine anyway!
Ranma-chan just groans under the dresser.
Shampoo-kun: So much for rehearsing.
Act II
Opening Night
The day of the play finally arrives. In the hours before the actual opening
we see the Director is having his stagehands set up the stage.
Director: Begin!
The crew moves at lightning speed, finishing the job in a matter of
seconds.
Stagehand: What do you think?
Director: Magnificent...(We can see a ship that looks like it is sinking
into the stage and a giant iceberg prop) ...if we were doing Titanic.
However, we are doing Romeo and Juliet.
Stagehand: There aren't any icebergs in Romeo and Juliet?
Director: (Angrily) NO! NOW GO GET THE RIGHT THINGS! (The crew move like
lightning once again.)
The play finally opens. We see a full house, including Genma and the Tendos
waiting for the curtain to rise. Backstage Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun
arrive and move to get into costume. Kunou is waiting with bokken in hand.
Kunou: Now is the moment of truth Saotome.
Shampoo-kun: Ranma tired of fighting Kunou.
Ranma-chan: Let me handle this. (Slides up to Kunou.) Close your eyes and I
will give you a big surprise my darling.
Kunou: (Grinning obliviously) You called me darling. Very well.
He closes his eyes. Ranma-chan grabs a rope and ties it around Kunou. She
then throws the rope over a rafter and hoists him up. He finally opens his
eyes.
Kunou: What is the meaning of this? Foul Saotome! How dare you take
advantage of the moment of passion Shampoo and I were about to share to
prevent us from becoming one. (To Ranma-chan) Let me down dearest.
Ranma-chan: Maybe later, like when Hell freezes over. (To Shampoo-kun)
You'd better get changed.
Ranma-chan goes to her dressing room. As she enters the room she sees about
a dozen girls waiting for her.
Ranma-chan: What are you doing here?
Girl #1: (Closing door) We just wanted to tell you to break a leg, Shampoo.
(The girls pull hidden weapons.) Literally.
Several moments later we see the Director checking on his Juliet. He knocks
on the door and Ranma-chan comes out wearing her acting garb. The Director
can see the carnage in the room and a dozen girls, with broken weapons,
littering the ground.
Director: What happened?
Ranma-chan: They wanted to wish me luck. (Closes the door behind her.)
Let's get going.
The Director takes his chair in front of the stage and the play begins The
curtain rises and the first scene unfolds. Surprisingly, Ranma-chan and
Shampoo-kun are both performing like professionals. The Director speaks to
a stagehand beside him holding a camera.
Director: You are certain you are taping this?
Stagehand #1: Hey. What could go wrong?
Director: You could use the wrong film like last time.
Stagehand #1: It could happen to anybody.
Director: (Voices rising.) You could hold it backwards like the time before
that.
Stagehand #1: Both ends looked the same.
Director: (Voice rising higher.) You could try using duct tape on the set
like you did the time before that!
Stagehand #1: I just misunderstood what you meant when you said "tape the
play".
Director: (Now shouting.) A CHIMPANZEE COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB THAN
YOU! Nothing had best go wrong this time. I feel this is the production I
have been waiting for.
Stagehand #1: Don't worry. Nothing can go wrong.
The play goes beautifully. Everything is fine until the balcony scene.
Ranma-chan: (From the balcony.) Romeo, Romeo, Where for art thou Romeo?
Shampoo-kun is about to speak up when he is interrupted by a newcomer on
stage, Kunou.
Kunou: I am here my pig-tailed love goddess Juliet. Fear not. This foul
impostor Romeo will never touch your lips. (He draws his bokken and
attacks.)
The Director starts to move to stop the newcomer when he halts. He then
slowly sits back down.
Director: What improvisation! Two Romeos battling it out for the right of
Juliet's hand! Now this is acting!
Shampoo-kun draws his prop sword and says his line.
Kunou continues the line as he swings at Shampoo-kun who blocks with his
sword. They continue that way, with each one saying a line when they swing.
Ranma-chan inserts her lines when needed. Surprisingly, all actors are
performing at a professional level despite the action. Shampoo-kun appears
to be evenly matched with Kunou.
Ranma-chan: Wonderful. That jerk is such a great actor, he's fooled himself
into believing he can beat Shampoo. (Hears a sound behind her.) What's
that?
Ranma-chan sees a saw cutting from underneath, working its way across where
the balcony attaches to the back of the stage. She barely has enough time
to jump before it comes crashing down on top of the two girls that were
sawing it. As Ranma-chan lands she says a line. Head cheerleader, Capt. Ai
then appears, cartwheeling onto the stage.
Capt. Ai: Ranma's lips are mine Shampoo. Pom-pom attack. (Tiny explosives
start firing out of the pompom.)
Ranma-chan dodges out of the way. She senses something above her and barely
has time to get out of the way of a falling sandbag. She looks up to see a
girl had cut it loose.
Director: (Unable to see the girl from his position. He speaks to Stagehand
#2) Why didn't you secure those before the start?
Stagehand #2: They are secure sir. We attached them all to this rope here.
He unties the rope to show the director. Fifty sandbags fall down on the
stage simultaneously. Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun dodge out of the way.
Kunou and Capt. Ai are not so fortunate. Both are knocked out by falling
sandbags. Ranma-chan starts to breath a sigh of relief when a suit of armor
on the stage attacks with its halberd.
Ranma-chan: What the?
Chisa: (In armor) Nothing personal Shampoo, but I will be the one to kiss
Ranma.
Ranma-chan: In your dreams. (Kicks Chisa away.)
Director: (Shouting gleefully) Now this is a play.
Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun fight off all other attackers, never missing a
line nor sounding badly. The only scenes that are messed up are the ones in
which Romeo and Juliet are supposed to kiss. The sheer number of girls
attacking at those times prevent them from actually kissing lest the timing
of the play be thrown off. Eventually the final scene approaches with Romeo
standing over Juliet's coffin. Shampoo-kun says his lines and is poised
over Juliet when both he and Ranma-chan notice all the attackers, including
Kunou have gathered to for one final assault.
Kunou: Saotome, we will stop you.
They charge as a group. Ranma-chan starts to sit up when the Director
finally steps in.
Director: (To the charging group who aren't paying any attention to him.)
As much as I appreciate the enthusiasm with which you have performed, Romeo
must kiss Juliet at least once.
He touches a stud on his belt which activates two huge trapdoors in the
stage. Everyone charging falls into the pit below. Ranma-chan lays back
down and Shampoo-kun hovers over her once more. Just as he is about to bend
over he feels a powerful tugging on his long hair. Despite all his
resistance, his head is slowly bent backward away from Ranma-chan. He turns
his head over enough to see it is Soun and Genma who are pulling back.
Shampoo-kun: What you think you doing?
Soun: (To Shampoo-kun) I could ask you the same question. I take you under
my roof and you repay me with treachery.
Genma: (To Ranma-chan) Boy, how dare you try to kiss another woman when you
already have a fiancee.
Ranma-chan: Geez Pop. It's just a play. It ain't for real.
Director: I said they will kiss. (Pushes a stud on his belt and the twenty
foot boot drops on Genma and Soun, flattening them.)
Shampoo-kun: Now where were we?
Shampoo-kun bends over again and is nearly struck by Akane's fist as she
buries it in Ranma-chan's face. He holds his head in disgust.
Akane: (To Ranma-chan) I can't believe you would stoop this low.
Director: I am reluctant to move against one who performed so admirably in
a production of mine. Perhaps I will not take action against her.
Ranma-chan: (Talking through a fist) What do you mean?
Akane: (Practically crying) I wanted this part for myself. I have always
dreamed of being Juliet, ever since they made me play Romeo back in grade
school. And now you're taking away that dream. Why are you doing this to
me?
Ranma-chan: (Knocks away her arm and sits up to yell in Akane's face.) Why
does everything always gotta be about you? What about my feelings? Maybe I
didn't want to do this at first, but now I do. I finally discovered
something I'm good at besides martial arts. Sure, maybe it took a couple
million volts, but Shampoo, Kasumi, Mr. Tendo, even Pop and Nabiki think
I'm really good. Well, I had to pay Nabiki for her honest opinion, but it
was honest. (More softly) Don't you understand? That's why I have to see
this through. Not just because it's a challenge, but because I worked hard
at it, and I enjoy it. I gotta do it for me.
Akane: (Softly) It really means that much to you? (Ranma-chan nods her
head) Fine.
Akane quietly runs out of the building, tears flowing from her eyes.
Ranma-chan looks softly at her fleeing form. Kasumi gets up from her place
in the audience, bows before Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun and rushes out to
catch up to Akane. Ranma-chan lays back down and Shampoo-kun hovers her
once again.
Stagehand #1: I feel like I should try to stop them.
Director: (With a look that could kill even through his mask.) Don't even
think about it.
Shampoo-kun and Ranma-chan look around for anything that could stop them
again. Except for a sudden case of the bubonic plague, there is nothing.
Ranma-chan: (Quietly) Well this is it.
Shampoo-kun (Softly) You sure you want do this? We could pretend again.
Ranma-chan: No. The audience would realize it was fake. Besides, you know
what the Director would say, "The show must go on."
Ranma-chan relaxes back again. She looks a little scared. Shampoo-kun looks
a little nervous as well. Shampoo-kun finally starts to bend forward again.
Both pucker up and seem to visibly relax as though they have made up their
minds. Their lips are now no more than a centimeter apart.
Off to the side of the stage, we see two stagehands next to a detonator box
with wires leading from it to the stage underneath.
Stagehand #3: You think it's time?
Stagehand #4: I guess so.
Stagehand #3: You sure there's supposed to be an explosion at the end?
Stagehand #4: (Shrugs) I don't know what difference it would make if there
wasn't one.
Stagehand #3: Sounds good to me.
Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun are about to kiss when he pushes down on the
detonator. We see two huge explosions on both sides of the stage,
shattering both ends. The middle, where Ranma-chan and Shampoo-kun are,
folds like a piece of paper and both fall into the hole that is made by the
collapsing stage. The dust starts to settle.
Director: Tell me you got that all on tape.
Stagehand #1: (Smiling) We got it. (Pats the tape player.)
The Director grabs the recorder and examines it.
Director: The lens cap is still on.
Stagehand #1: (Still smiling) Of course. I didn't want the lens to get
dirty.
The Director begins strangling the stagehand until he realizes someone else
might have recorded the play. He starts making his way through the crowd in
search of a tape. At the bottom of the hole in the stage, Shampoo-chan and
Ranma-kun are sitting at the bottom of the debris. A hot water pipe has
burst and it is pouring all over them.
Ranma: Figures. I wear a dress and get splashed with hot water. We'd better
leave before someone sees us.
Shampoo nods in agreement and both make their way to the secret passage in
the sewers and come out in the middle of a park. Both are dirty and
unkempt. They start to make their way home side by side.
Ranma: Well, in the last week I have been electrocuted, beaten, attacked,
nearly poisoned, and used as a battery. (Shampoo looks hurt at Ranma.) And
you know what? (Shampoo shrugs.) I wouldn't change it for the world. Doing
that acting stuff was fun. (Ranma gives Shampoo a big grin, then it fades.
He looks down at the ground.) I'm just sorry I dragged you into it.
Shampoo: (Jumps in front of Ranma to show him the big grin on her face.)
Shampoo enjoy too. Not ever do anything like that in village. All Shampoo
do is fight. If Ranma had no asked, then Shampoo not know how fun acting
is. And acting with Ranma make Shampoo happy too. So no frown for Shampoo
when Shampoo so happy.
Ranma: (The grin returns to his face.) All you did was fight too, huh? I
think we got more in common than either of us realize.
They walk a ways when Ranma starts laughing.
Shampoo: Why laugh Ranma?
Ranma: I just realized how ironic this is. The whole point in me asking you
to try out was so I could kiss you. That was the one thing we never did.
Shampoo starts to open her mouth to say something when Ranma continues.
Ranma: It don't matter though. I enjoyed working with you more than I would
have with anyone else. No matter what Pop and Mr. Tendo might have done if
we had kissed. (Turns to her.) Thanks for being there for me.
Shampoo closes her mouth and smiles back at Ranma. They start walking
again. After a few moments she looks back at Ranma and starts humming a
tune.
Ranma: What is that?
Shampoo: Just some song Shampoo learn from Director.
Ranma: It's catchy.
After a few moments he picks up the melody and hums along with her as they
continue along. Two people necking off the path look to see the newcomers
as they pass.
Man: That's sweet. Two crossdressers walking together.
Woman: They make a cute couple. I wonder what tune that is.
Man: I think it's from a gaijin play. It's called "All I Ask of You."
Epilogue 1
The scene is the Tendo household some weeks later. Nabiki rushes into the
room with a soda pop bottle in hand. Everyone else is already gathered
around the television.
Kasumi: Hurry Nabiki, or you'll miss it.
Nabiki: (Sits down in a chair.) I'm here. This better be good.
Announcer: And now for this special announcement. A volcano suddenly
erupted in Hawaii today. Disaster was narrowly avoided, however, when an
unidentified girl and her pet panda rescued the citizens of a small town
from the encroaching lava flow.
The scene cuts to a Kodachi in a sarong, bikini top, and lai, on the back
of a panda with glasses. Mousse-panda is running with a cart trailing
behind him. He is moving at a good speed even though a bunch of people are
in it. They are barely ahead of a lava flow. Kodachi is using her ribbon to
grab people and throw them into the back of the cart as they speed by.
Kodachi: OHHOHOHOHO!
Ranma: Nice to see they're keeping busy.
Announcer: And now we return to the Tony Awards. The next presenters for
the category for Best Play are last years co-winners of the best actor
award for their work in Porgy and Bess. Ladies and Gentlemen, please
welcome Bulk Bogan and Mr. T-Rex.
We see a huge gentleman with a massive frame under his suit and a line of
blond hair around his skull. He is otherwise bald. His partner is smaller,
but we can tell under his suit he has a massive frame as well. He is black
with a mohawk.
Bulk Bogan: (The huge one, excitedly) First off, I want to tell all the
Bulkamaniacs who missed the Bulkster and Mr. T-Rex this year, that we are
returning to the stage. We are going to be in the upcoming musical
adaptation of Thelma and Louise.
Mr. T-Rex: (The mohawk one) I pity the fools that have to act against us
next year.
Bulk: Now for the presentation of the award. (He pulls out an envelope.)
And the winner for Best Play is...
He suddenly tears off his jacket and shirt and starts flexing for the
crowd. They oh and ah. He then tears open the letter with the same
enthusiasm he ripped off his shirt. He pulls out the letter and hands it to
his partner.
Mr. T-Rex: The Furinkan High production of William Shakespeare's "Romano
and Juliard." (He and the Bulkster look at one another.) Must be one of his
more obscure works.
The Director's theme music suddenly blares on the speakers at the
auditorium. The Director descends from a wire from above the stage. He
lands gracefully and runs to the podium. He tears the letter out of Mr.
T-Rex's hand and reads it.
Director: (To self) Those insolent fools. They misspelled Romeo and Juliet.
The stagecrew will pay for this folly. (He steps to the microphone) I would
like to thank the Tony Award Committee for acknowledging my greatness. I
knew from the beginning that this was the production to get me the
recognition I deserve. And I have a special note of thanks to my Romeo and
Juliet. As for the rest of you in the audience, I have but one thing to
promise, and I know my Romeo and Juliet will join me in this endeavor. If
you thought this was great, just wait until you see what we do next year.
Everyone at the Tendo household facefaults.
Epilogue 2
We see a boat pull to the shore from a river in Nerima. Two young girls,
about fourteen, one with red hair and one with green, disembark from the
boat. The green one bears a trident. The red one has a staff. They step in
front of Cologne, who is waiting for them on shore. The two bow.
RanRan: (<> In Chinese)
LinLin:
Cologne:
End Notes:
(
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