by Yai-tzu Hin
Warning: No part of this story or cast of characters may be reproduced in any form without written permission of the author, Yai-tzu Hin. If you do, dogs will wake you at 3:00 am in the morning, your hair will go gray at an early age, all you pens will run out of ink at the most inconvenient time, and your computer will always freeze up in the middle of the best part of a fic.
His eyes, there was something about his eyes that I loved. The way they sparkled whenever he would start talking about life, love, and me. He would drag me to the most horrendous places just to see my reaction. Oh, how his eyes would twinkle with mischief when I'd tell him he was out of his mind for even considering that I might like the club or bar or whatever he'd taken me to this time. I desired him and him me…or so I had thought.
"Please, Keien. I can barely hear you." A worried female said through the static of the phone. Keien choked back tears and tried again to speak into the pay phone.
"Suiichiro is gone. He packed up all his belongings and left." On the other end of the line, Haruka Nakabori bit her lip and inhaled loudly. "It's over. Everything Meiko said was true." Haruka exhaled.
"Keien, I'm sorry." She said weakly. Over the distance she could hear her brother attempting to hide the fact that he was crying. "Are you okay?" that was a stupid thing to ask, she already knew the answer.
"No." He replied truthfully, as the static suddenly grew louder then fizzled to an annoyance again. "I don't know what to do. He was the only man whom I could ever see myself with. He said he loved me and now…" his words trailed off as tears slid down his cheeks.
"And now he's marrying someone else. I know, Meiko told me all about it. I wish she hadn't told you."
"It doesn't matter. She was trying to help."
"Still…."
"I told you it didn't matter. I would have found out about the engagement sooner or later. Like today when he left." Images of Suiichiro's clothes being thrown into a faded black leather suitcase flashed past Keien's eyes. He shut them tight, but the events of that morning continued to play out. The smile on his face when he'd packed, when he'd talked of the wedding, of his parents and how happy they were to have such a son. I wouldn't want a son like him, Keien thought angrily. Immediately he regretted it. After all Suiichiro had been his lover for more than a year.
"Keien…listen, why don't you grab some of your clothes and come spend some time with me."
"And face Mom and Dad?"
"They're not here. You know that they went to Hawaii. It'll be you, the cat, and me. I'll cook, you don't have to do anything."
"I'll think about it." He heard her sigh.
"Keien…"
"How about this weekend?"
"Promise?" He slumped against the glass side of the booth.
"Yes."
"Thank you." Keien hung up the phone, retrieved his phone card and waited to regain some of his composure. Wiping his face with the sleeve of his shirt, he took a deep breath and headed down the street.
He'd been wandering around the city for more than five hours when he finally decided to call his sister. He'd been glad it wasn't his father who had answered the phone. That was the last person he'd ever want to talk to about a broken heart. Even Haruka and Meiko never told him about their lost loves. Their father had never really understood why his only son, as he'd so bluntly put it, fucked men. During his adolescence, Keien had wrestled with who he was and finally found courage to tell his family. To his surprise, the women of the Nakabori family took it well, but his father hadn't. They'd had a strained relationship ever since.
Tamahazura Suiichiro had been the first man that his mother and sisters agreed upon. He'd introduced other boyfriends to them, but Suiichiro was the first one they had unanimously approved of. Suiichiro had charmed his way into the hearts of what Keien considered the most important people in his life. They adored him.
When Meiko had decided to attend the same university as Keien and was accepted, she befriended a girl named Suzu. Suzu was engaged to a young man, but kept it secret. Meiko had thought it was strange that her new friend never introduced her fiancé to her. Then one afternoon, she'd seen Suzu kissing a man. That man was Suiichiro.
Keien could still remember his little sister's quavering voice as she told him to sit down. Meiko had mulled for days over what to do and had finally decided to tell her older brother. He sat down on the couch in his apartment while she paced in front of him. Then Meiko told him what she'd seen and that she'd already confronted Suzu about Suiichiro. The other girl had told her everything and how Suiichiro was only using Keien for fun. He didn't really love him, he loved her and they were to be married in the spring. Keien couldn't believe and wouldn't believe it. He believed it now.
The streets were almost deserted as most people were eating dinner. Keien didn't care where he was going; he'd started out that morning with no destination in mind. He had just needed to leave while Suiichiro finished packing up his stuff. They'd lived together for eight months, eight months of memories to throw away in the trash or hide in cramped cardboard. The picture of them on New Years, the shot glass collection, the Christmas presents, the… Keien couldn't finish the list before he started sobbing again. Eyes blinded by tears, he stepped out into the street. Something grabbed his shoulder and pulled him roughly back onto the curb. Startled, he nearly stumbled backwards and caught himself in time to see a yellow car speed past where he'd just been. Swallowing hard, he stared with green eyes wide after the vanishing blur.
"I think I need to go home." He told himself.
* * *
The apartment was bare except for the furnishings that had been Keien's. Bypassing the tattered couch and end table that needed a polish, he wandered into his room. He wasn't ready to face the vacant room next to his yet. Stripping, he hopped into the shower and spent an hour wallowing in self-pity while tiny drops of water ran down his nose.
How could he do that to me? Why did he leave me? How could he say he loved me when he didn't? Why did this happen to me? Was it all just a game to him? Am I really that bad of a person that he would turn his affection elsewhere? Didn't I love him? Didn't he love me? The questions piled up with no answers to satisfy them. Keien felt like crying again, but he had no tears left. Running fingers through ebony hair, he decided that he needed to go to bed.
Not bothering with clothes, Keien flopped on the bed and pulled a pale blue quilt over him. Closing his eyes, he shut the world out and tried to sleep. But sleep only brought dreams that twisted and turned sweet memories into nightmares. He awoke, sweating and crying.
"I can't take this anymore. If my first night away from him is like this, then what will the next forty be like?" he asked himself. He staggered out of his room, quilt wrapped around his naked form. His feet automatically brought him to Suiichiro's bedroom door. Pushing it open, Keien numbly flipped on the light.
The quilt fell to the floor. Green eyes took in the scene while his whole body shook. Written across the wall in red lipstick were the words, "So long and thanks for the fuck." Keien dropped to the floor. I was nothing to him but a good fuck? I was nothing to him. I was nothing to him. I am nothing.
Still in shock, he crawled to the kitchen. Hands guided by a subconscious in grief opened a drawer, fumbled for a moment. I am nothing. Slim fingers grazed the edge something metal. I am nothing. He grabbed a hold and slowly brought it out. I am nothing. In the dim light of the moon, a knife blade gleamed. Keien held the knife firmly in front of his chest. I am nothing. Nothing at all. He moved the knife so that it would puncture his lungs and closed his eyes. If I'm nothing, then I shouldn't exist. Tears streaming down his face, Keien prepared to end his pain.
"Good bye Suiichiro." He whispered.
NO!!!!!!!!
Strong hands grabbed his and held as Keien began to thrust the knife. Startled by the sudden halt in his intentions, Keien's eyes flew wide open. Kneeling across from him was a man dressed in armor of the finest gold. He wore a helmet in the style of ancient Norsemen, but his armor was a style favored during the High Middle Ages. A pair of white wings protruded from his back and shuddered as he strained to keep a hold on the knife.
"Keien! You don't want to do this. There are other ways to deal with heartbreak. Killing yourself isn't one of them!" His voice was surprisingly soft for a man in armor, but urgent. "Please. You are loved." He added after a moment. Keien dropped the knife.
"W..W..Who are you?" he stammered.
The man released Keien's hands and rocked back onto his feet. His wings fluttered as he found the perfect balance. Keien noticed that the wings were inky black at the tips of the primary feathers with small dots running up them to the secondaries. A soft light appeared to be coming from the armor, no the man himself, Keien realized as the initial shock wore off. There was a man, dressed in armor with wings and who glowed in his kitchen.
"Are you an angel?" Keien asked in a hushed voice. The man removed his helmet and tucked it under his arm. Long silky lavender hair cascaded down around his pale face. Blue eyes blinked and then sparkled in a way Suiichiro's never had.
"Yes, I'm your guardian angel." Keien passed out.
***
Sunlight threatened to sear through his eyelids and burn his eyes. Morning had come and Keien wasn't sure he should get up. Last night had been one long nightmare except for the knight in shining armor that had appeared near the end. No, he'd said he was my guardian angel, Keien reminded himself. Rolling onto his back, he opened his eyes and realized that he was back in his room. His blue quilt was draped on top of him and he was now wearing underwear.
"How did I get back here?" he wondered aloud. "And when did I put underwear on?"
I carried you back here, a disembodied voice whispered in his mind. Keien's heart stopped.
"Oh man, I think I'm losing my mind, I thought I heard someone talk to me." Somewhere the voice chuckled, but Keien didn't hear it. A more pressing matter had called his attention elsewhere. A growling stomach meant only one thing and since he hadn't eaten since yesterday morning, he better eat. Rolling out of bed he found a pair of shorts and pulled them on. Then, making his way to the kitchen, Keien tried to think of what he should eat. After munching on some leftovers from four nights ago, he walked back to his bedroom and flopped back into bed.
"I don't feel like doing anything." He muttered. Why should he? His life as he'd know it was over and now he was lost again. Unexpectedly his mind slipped to the knife and then to warm hands grabbing his in desperation. The angel's voice resounded in his mind. He'd said Keien was loved. Loved, but by who? His father had never shown affection, but his mother and sisters had. So had Suiichiro or so Keien thought. The last thought drove him back to misery before Keien could stop himself. Crying again Keien fought back images of the words in Suiichiro's bedroom and the fact that they had been written in lipstick. Her lipstick no doubt.
Shhh, it will be all right. Give it time.
"No it won't!"
Time and love are the best healers.
"But I no longer have a love."
But you are loved.
"Do you love me?"
Yes. The word was the truth, Keien knew somehow. He didn't quite understand, but he felt better. The sun felt warm and he was lulled back to sleep.
"I wish you could be by my side." He whispered right as he drifted off.
In the way your implying, I do too.
* * *
About three hours later Keien woke to the phone ringing. Groping around on the floor he finally found it.
"Moshi-moshi?" he said groggily.
"Keien? This is Meiko. Haruka called me this morning worried about you and I said I'd check to make sure you're all right. You haven't done anything stupid have you?" she asked.
"In what way to you mean stupid?" he inquired.
"Try to kill yourself again. You nearly threw yourself off a building after you told Dad about being homosexual. I just wanted to make sure." His younger sister chirped.
"You're ever so cheerful in the morning."
"So are you. Now I'm going to come over at about three to check on you. You better be dressed. I'm taking you out for the afternoon. And don't you dare say no."
"Fine."
"See you at three." Meiko hung up and Keien rolled over. As he rolled onto the other side of his bed he realized that it was occupied. Surprised, he sat up suddenly and nearly fell off the bed. Scrambling to keep his balance, he finally managed to grab the quilt and haul himself back up. Panting he stared at the body next to him. Lavender hair spilled around the face of the sleeping form. He was wearing only a light shirt and pants which moved slightly as he breathed. Delicate fingers laced themselves in the folds of the quilt. He looked so small and fragile to Keien that he was afraid to breathe.
It took a moment for Keien to place the face. His guardian angel, minus armor and wings, was asleep on his bed. Keien didn't know what to do. His first instinct was to wake the sleeping angel; the other was to let him lye. As he debated, the angel made the decision for him. Stirring, he opened his blue eyes slowly and looked up at Keien. Suddenly very nervous, Keien inched back towards the edge. He misjudged his distance and fell off landing on the floor with a thud.
"Ouch!"
"Are you all right?"
"No, I hit my head."
"Sorry."
"It's okay." Keien clambered back onto the bed. The angel was now propped up on his forearms and looking more human than angelic. His voice didn't sound the same as last night or even earlier that morning.
"Is it you?" he asked finally sitting cross-legged on top of the quilt.
"You mean from last night?" He paused. "Yes. My name is Yatsurugi, and I'm your guardian angel."
"You look different without the armor."
"I know." His voice sounded a bit sad.
"Um what are you doing here? I mean visible to me minus wings?"
"I asked if I could have human form to better protect you through this troubled time. I was granted it." Yatsurugi replied. He suddenly looked very self-conscious. "Do I look all right?" he asked at length. "I've never been granted human form before."
"You look fine." Keien said. Better than fine, more along the lines of gorgeous he thought. "Do you have a surname?"
"Surname? Oh, yeah. It's Aisaku. I know, most humans have both a first and surname or that's what my sister keeps telling me."
"Sister?"
"Yeah, my older sister, Kayumi. She's about a hundred years older than I am and has been human more often."
"Is she a guardian angel too?" Keien asked.
"Among other things." Yatsurugi muttered. He looked down sheepishly while his fingers nervously worked on a small rip in the quilt. "Keien, you don't mind that I asked for human form, do you?"
"NO! Not at all." Keien sighed. He may have sounded a bit too excited there for a moment. He didn't even know if Yatsurugi was interested in guys.
"I am."
"What?"
"Interested in guys. Oh, I'm sorry. I can still hear your thoughts if you don't safeguard them properly." Keien paled. "All guardian angels can hear the thoughts of the ones they are to protect. That is unless you barricade them really well." Yatsurugi pulled himself so that he was sitting cross-legged like Keien. "I should warn you, I'm a lousy cook, I've never ironed anything and I hate when people litter."
"If you don't like litter you should hate graffiti."
"I do."
"Did you see what Suiichiro left for me?"
"Yeah, don't worry I cleaned that up earlier." Keien smiled. "If you don't mind, I'll take his old room and put some of my stuff away."
"You have stuff?"
"Doesn't everyone?" Yatsurugi inquired sounding a bit more confidant than he had a minute before. He hopped off the bed and began to walk out of the room. He paused in the doorway. "Oh, yeah. That reminds me. As of today I'm attending your university too. I hope the science classes don't bore me. I'd hate to fall asleep while some professor is trying to explain something he barely comprehends himself. I notice you tend to do that often." Keien turned red and then reached for his pillow.
Yatsurugi was still smiling as he dodged the pillow.
"Ja! Why don't you get dressed before your sister gets here." He called after him.
"Great," muttered Keien. "I have an angel, who has never had human form, as my new roommate and he is a tease. This is just great. What am I going to tell Meiko about him when she gets here?"
"Tell her I was Heaven sent." Yatsurugi's voice floated in, then he laughed at his own joke and went back to what he'd been doing. Keien flopped back into bed and groaned.
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