And the ROAD AGAIN

The sun is generous care of me,
Though in heart there is no a light.

Tamara has gone away from Kanibadam. On station Maksimovka she could not take the ticket in any way. In that time were going many of a speculators and because of them was impossible, with the child on hands, to be come to booking-office. Tamara was decided to be asked at conductor to pass without the ticket. She has agreed, it is visible  there was a kind woman, and money from Tamara has not taken.

But near to her has appeared the woman-speculator. Tamara then has found out, that she carried a strings on herself and that it have not to be noticed, she nursed the child of Tamara. Then she has persuaded of Tamara to leave in Leninobad, where she lived, promising to get for Tamara the ticket up to Kharkov through familiar cashier.

Tamara was tempted and has listened to it. That woman has led her in her hut, was washes of Tolia , has laid Tamara on a floor on the pure bed, but to eat has not offered. Two weeks the woman could not take of the ticket, explaining, that cashier has leaved somewhere.

Money of Tamara was thawed, more she could not wait and left on station. On station to take the ticket it was impossible. Tamara has despaired and sat on platform under fence. Suddenly old Tadjik has approached to her. « What you here sit apa (woman)? » - it he has asked. Tamara has told to him about her problem. He has told her, that she should have given him money, and he will take to her the ticket. And a bit later old man has returned with the ticket up to Tashkent.

And at last Tamara in Tashkent, but of a money at her was already a little. Up to Kharkov would suffice, but the ticket could not be taken. The people were noted for two weeks, but Tamara for a meal  has not any more of money. She has decided to go to hand a blood for food. But one old woman has advised against, as Tamara fed the child. She has told, that it will be possible to ask meal in a dining-car in a train, and Tamara has returned to booking-office.

When began to give the tickets, Tamara was in the tail of queue. A thank you to the militiaman, which monitored queue. He has noticed Tamara and has placed first of all. Having taken the ticket, she did not remember herself for happiness. Having kept five roubles on the ticket up to Zolochev, remaining money spent with large caution for bread, yes the kind people treated.

So nine days went. And Kharkov is. One from it of stations - Balashovka. The station was destroyed. On its steps in a grey old sweater sits pressing the son, Tamara. The night was cold and Tamara was shivered from colds. At last was dawn and  booking-office also was opened. The woman has taken the ticket and entered  in a coach of a suburban train departing in the direction of Zolochev, where the family lived.

AT HOME

And me so is sick.
 And so it is difficult
To soul tormented by mine.

In the old hut, sunk  in ground,   with earthen floors similar to a shed, she was met with her hungry children. Two girls and boy seven years. The boy was thus meagre, that hardly stood on legs and lied more. He any more did not run and also to nothing was glad. All of them looked at the mother with grief and reproach. At the mother were poured a tears.

- Poor you mine, the father can not to feed only you.

- He has planned to build, - the older daughter Lilia has told, - purchases a planks, but us keeps in famine. The host sometimes gives us a boiled sugar beets, yes sometimes father brings corn. We also cook from it a gruel, but it seldom happens.

In Zolochev, as well as on all Ukraine, there was a drought and again people starve. Bread gave on cards. Tamara with Tolia seven hundred gramme, children on two hundred gramme, and father four hundred. For Tolia still gave three hundred gramme of gruel in children's consultation.

The husband worked in a centre of Zolochev in a photo as the photographer. The mother has found he there. Surprised he looked at her and has asked:

- What for has arrived?

- Has brought to you of the son, - she has answered.

For Tamara the housing accomodation was not pleasant, and for other day has gone to search for something better. She has found such housing accomodation at some old woman. It was small annex, cleanly smeared, warm. A bit later there has arrived Praskovia Vasilievna, mother of the husband, the mother-in-law.

She was already old - seventy years. But still sewed. The memory was good. The mother-in-law has narrated about the youth, about the husband, about youth and childhood of Mark. She was hereditary citizen of Kharkov from middle class. Lived on Ivanovka, region of old Kharkov near a Cold mountain. Near of Southern station, sorting, railway workshops.

Ivanovka with a Cold mountain connects by the foot bridge through railway paths. They have met accidentally on this bridge - young Parasha and Kirill, future Kirill Antonovich. They have love one another and have got married. In childhood Kirill with the parents has moved from Kursk region to Kharkov. That was time, when after liberation of the peasants was began they migration. As the grandfather of Tamara at one time has left to Siberia, so the grandfather of Mark has left to Kharkov.

In Kharkov Kirill has grown and became the working mechanic in railway workshops. At them four sons - Veniamin, Evgeni, Mark and Pavel were born. Mark was born in the eleventh year. The youth his was came for rough years of revolutionary transformations.

The father, Kirill Antonovich, was recognized leader of working railway workshops. He was a bolshevik, a undergrounder. Participated in establishment of the Soviet authority in Kharkov, in a guard it from Vrangelers, in restoring it after ejecting Vrangel from Kharkovs.

Recollected such episode, for example. When the armies Vrangel were left, they were destroying economy of Ukraine. Tried to export the most valuable equipment and from railway workshops. By a day it was loaded in a coach and is sealed up. The sealing nipper was at the chief engineer of railway workshops Beev.

Kirill Antonovich as the head of group of the workers has come to Beev and has offered voluntary to give the nipper. Beev has agreed. At the night the coaches were opened, the equipment is withdrawed and is hidden, and instead of it the breakage was loaded and the coaches are sealed up. After a leaving of an enemy the equipment of workshops was restored. The repair both restoring of park of steam locomotives and coaches was begun, which for a economy of young republic were required.

After ending civil war Kirill Antonovich was appointed as the convener on supply of Kharkov by the foodstuffs. In structure of food detachments he has driven on area, collecting food.

There were skirmishes with gangs, fists, all was. And then, he was on a party and state work. All this time he has suffered by a ulcer of a stomach. Has died early.

Lived generally half starve. The father received a party minimum and cards. Praskovia Vasilievna sewed. The family lived amicably. From children of the special problems there was no, except for one - a Mark. From childhood his was distinguished  by alive mind and propensities to engineering, but also adventurism. That he stole the length, obtained by the mother for sewing to order. He has sold it on a second-hand market and purchased for friends of sweets. That same approximately destiny has overtaken also donative hours of the father. Was beaten, sense only was a little.

Was studied at school, then in a professional school as the electrician. Was studied well. In conditions of acute shortage of the experts in country his the brilliant future was expected, but he has run away from home and has left for Siberia, where has met with Tamara.

Mark was dissatisfied by new housing accomodation, as far there was to a work. In the winter he has dragged family on an old place. The winter has occured. Badly was heated a pot-stove, in which cracked a coal that was sifted from already burned in furnace of a steam locomotive. Through old walls and windows was pulled by a cold.

Both boys and grandmother were ill at once. A double-side pneumonia. Tamara with the boys,  Valera and Tolia, and with the grandmother has come in hospital. The grandmother not for long was ill, has died. Have buried her on a cemetery at centre of Zolochev. Then this cemetery was flattened by the bulldozer and on its place was planted park. Park Shevchenko. Park on a human bones.

And at Tamara has happened burning fever. She was longly without consciousness. A strongest pain tore a head. Were seen hallucination. She asked death, that it is all was faster terminated.

At last she see the angel with a cross on a ceiling which affably smiled. It was the crisis. Tamara quietly has fallen asleep, and to the morning she was awake up already with well feeling, only was very weak.

The boys have recovered and waited the mother. How many she was ill, Tamara did not remember. Was already warm, when she has left hospital with the boys. Where vanish her pretty face. She could not without a pain to look in a mirror. Bald a head, under eyes dark blue circles, the tooth has dropped out in front.

And in the house of rest was not. The husband came frequently is drunk, or did not come at all. And when came, arranged scandal, pulled children, shouted on Tamara, that she is mad and he will send her in the mad house. Tamara despair reached and with the child on hands ran anywhere. Children caught up with her and asked to not throw them.

The husband has received a site on construction of a house and loan. On this site has made tent and has told to the host o hut, where they lived:

- I leave on a site. There I shall live in tent, and for them I shall not pay. Let who wants goes to me.

- How I shall live with small children in the outdoors?

- And as want.

The junior daughter has told, - I from the mum nowhere get away, shall be though under a threshold to spend the night.

But older daughter and Valerik have undertaken hands and were going to the father. And the mother has gone to search though for any roof, for itself, Zoia and Tolia. But world not without the kind people. Was found one the old woman that has accepted them in her bad hut.

Tamara has gone to search for work. Work she has found, not for herself, heavy, on the base of transhipment "Zagotzerno" by worker. There her have suggested, that it is possible to hand over the child in a day nursery. So she also has made, and Zoia helped the mother. She carried of Tolia to a nursery and to home. Itself was going to school. She was valid helper for the mother.

The father at this time was built on a site the adobe hut. He was helped by two girls - thirteen and fourteen years, Zoia and Lilia. They knead clay with straw then made of it bricks, which was dried on the sun. Worked up to exhaustion. While the mother was on work, Zoia has dragged to the father them things. But the father has expelled them on a rain, and they have stayed night on a cellar, which was covered by branches.

Again Tamara began to search, who would let them on an apartment. Have let, but there have robbed. Have stolen money. At last have moved to the Pascha Zashalovskaia. There was a kind woman.

The mother sometimes coming to the husband on a site and tried to help for him. But the father shouted at her:

- Go out  from here, there is nothing here to you to do, do not separate children from work! - also raised at her than has.

She nothing needed to do how to leave. They made small hut directly on ground. The older nine-years son Valerik was taken Evgeni Kirilovich , older brother of the husband. But he has not counted necessary, that the mother has said goodbye to the son. Has taken away his in Moscow, having organized an appropriate solution  of a Zolochev district council, and has arranged there Valerik in children's chorus Sveshnikov, which was organized after war.

Uncle Jenia had such possibility, as there was musician, worked in the Kharkov philarmonia . Had  playing in an orchestra on percussion instruments. By the musician he and war has passed in an army orchestra. In Moscow the junior brother the Mark - uncle Pavel lived also which looked after for Valerik in Moscow.

The old daughter has grown, has completed nine years school and has left for Kharkov, where was received to study in an art school.

The mother has joining for work on the transport to receive coal on heating. And Zoia remained with small brother, to which there were four years ( he not going any more in nursery), and helped the father to build the house.

Three years the house was under construction, the loan was terminated, it was necessary to earn to pay it. And the daughter has decided to be recruited on work in the Magadan area to earn of money to payment of the loan, and in absence of the mother has transported of Tolia and things in the built house. When there has arrived the mother from trip she to her has told:

- There is nothing to us on another's huts to wander, now house is. I shall go in the Magadan area to earn of money. And you live here.

- And the father, he will expel me.

- Let only will expel. I here built with him. All the same he here does not live. He is working in Kharkov, living in a hostel, there he works by the electrician at factory.

- And how Tolia will be without me, when I shall be on trips?

- But he already large, somehow will be, while you will be on trip. And then, you remember the girl on farm, where we were rescued from bombing? She now works here at school the cleaner. She has asked me, can we shall take her on an apartment. She also will heat, yes something will cook for Tolia.

In Kharkov Zoia the father saw off. And here he too would like to go on earnings in Siberia. He has taken the tickets for both and they with Zoia have left on Kolyma.

So all have scattered, and Tamara has remained together with Tolia. She on several days was going for long-distance trips, in Gorkii, Moscow. She worked an conductor of a coach. The earnings were good.

Was given the form to her and she was quite dressed. Country built up. Were sold the bonds of the State loan of restoring.

Tolia lived quite independently. Lodger not especially cared about of him. But he already was the schoolboy. Was studying well. Was did that wanted, was walking where wanted. Tamara for him was very worry, but all was good.

To SOURCES

I see myself in smocked hut.
On a bench at a threshold with a water the barrel.
And I drink from it, ice water.
But when it was? I do not remember when.

At this time the address of Tamara, through Moscow, was found by the mum with sister of Tamara - Alia. Twenty years they were not seen. In the beginning, before war, they were rewritten, and in war have lost one another. And Tamara has received the cable with their address, and then and letter from the brother Tolia. He was already in army. He writes, that Tamara to take for itself the mum, that to her should be bad with Alia.

Also it was necessary to destiny so to dispose, that Lilia has arrived home to live. It was unexpected for the mother. She has married. The husband was nominated on distribution after the graduating from art institute  in Rostov-ha-Donu, and, while he there will find an apartment, Lilia has arrived home.

And Tamara, already, perhaps, Tamara Danilovna , has decided to visit the mum. It is easy to tell, to visit from Ukraine in Yakutia, for twenty days of leave at own expense and almost without money. The ticket to her have given charge-free there and back as for rail-ways workers.

To go by train nine days and there two days by the car on Aldan. In a train was a talk with the woman. She went in Never, where she lived, and the husband at her was the driver, he carried of petrol with Never in Aldan.

At them Tamara Danilovna has stayed. Wanted to leave by bus, but it was under repair for one week, and to live there was nothing. And on it happiness, for the third day, the husband of this woman has gone in Aldan and has taken her, certainly for the payment - ninety of roubles. The wife has not late also.

Why she was going? Because of her it was necessary to pay superfluous money, because on a check point on Chulman have forced from a half-road to take the ticket. Here they also have stayed on the night. All night Tamara was cried, because money was terminated.

Have arrived in twilight in Aldan. Tamara give the last money, said good-bye and has gone to search for the house, where the mum with Albina lived. Already became darkly, and Tamara could not find necessary number in any way. It is not visible a passes to houses and she, failing in snow, asked the people. They knew the mum, but where she lives remember can not.

Tamara has decided to knock in small hut to be asked to spend the night. Has opened a door Albina and at once was threw on a neck. Tamara gave them the cable from Never and Albina has guessed, that it Tamara.

The mum sat in a room and could not be lifted from disturbance and fright. Tamara has undressed, has approached to her, was lowered on knees and has kissed the mothers a hand. She only groaned and spoke: « it not you », - did not recognize. Twenty years have passed, as they have parted.

To live here there were only two days. Half of time of leave has passed, and road distant. Albina has got a few money to a road, and Tamara with the mother have departed on lorry to a return way.

In Never they were not delayed. Have arrived in the morning, and evening were already in a train. Day has sited on station. And in nine days of a home.

THE STORY of  the TAMARA's MUM

The trees by an autumnal sheet cry,
As the woman cries about the past.

Us, dear daughter, there were at your grandmother six persons of children. I was most older, we lived poorly. I nursed all time of a juniors. Has nursed since seven years. In the summer all left on field. The mum took older children with itself, and smallest kept with me. Our village is an solitary place. My parents, and all living here, were migrants from Penza. Have moved in hope to live here well.

My mum with the father were young, and in the beginning all went well. They become to be under construction, as well as all arrived with them. Cleared places for construction at small river. It was heavy, it was necessary to fell a wood, displaced a stumps. At first were lived in tents. Who had not time to construct the house for this summer, have dug a dug-outs and lived in them. With the time  was built the village in one street.

Bread on new grounds has given rise well. Places was much. The kitchen gardens were large. Ours were constructed near  the river. In an extremity of a kitchen garden near the river has built bania. Without bania here nobody lived. All pleasure to be washed up on Saturday in bania and to drink from samovar tea from dried carrots. And as a sweets were steamed in the Russian stove  a carrots, swede, pumpkin.

The mum also was going in a wood and tore off crust from a cedar with a resin. Then it in the Russian stove melted and was carried to sell. And then was purchased a little sugar for the father. To him in a wood by a tree has beaten off a leg and he longly was ill.

The mothers by one with us and with housekeeping  to control  was difficultly, therefore we and was poor. And us, children, very much it would be desirable to try to sugar, and we asked the father to give to lick. He will give to us to lick , and remaining will wrap up in rag and will hide in pocket.

When they left on field, I very much would like to play with neighbour children. And playing  was ordinary on bania and I too would like to go there. I was  laid a small brother in hem, took a hem in toothes and was climb on bania.

At winter at us on all was one wear and we on queue dressed it, that to have a driving from hill. There was not sledges then. That why have a driving who in what invent.

When to me there were fifteen, to us to village has arrived from Krasnoyarsks young guy to the relative. He has seen me and I was liked by him. And I was afraid of it, escaped and was hidden. I still with anybody did not meet and played with friends in children's games.

We not absolutely Russian. Yours the grandfather was Crimean tatar. He was black and curled. But grandmother Russian. At her the hair was light. And I was received not absolutely black, and the hair at me was not curled but sinuous.

Very much they, probably, was liked by that guy. Though I escaped from him also, but he has sent nevertheless matchmakers. My mum has told that I absolutely young and us priest will not marry. « Anything, - the matchmakers have told, - we shall arrange all ». And me crying  by forced have married, and there was I the wife.

He has taken away me in Krasnoyarsk, and then on Zeian gold-fields, where you was born. And me there were only seventeen.

And the LIFE ALL GOES

I wait, and I wait for the best days.
In a waiting the life also has passed.

While the mum lived in Zolochev  Tamara Danilovna has gone to Moscow to the older son. First time for two years she has arrived to him. Having searched a school, she climb on porch with disturbance. Has asked about the son the attendant. He somewhere is run. He was searched and was told for him, that to him there has arrived the mother. Having run to her on porch, he hasty began to drag from under the shirt the small car and to put  in hands of the mother:

- This for Tolia.

- Dear mine sun, you think of us and miss?

- Yes.

- Well, I have arrived, but now I can not yet to take you to home on summer. Now you will be in camp, and the next year I necessarily shall take you. And now ask for leave, and we shall go we shall spend the night at the aunt Nina.

For the second day she saw off the son on station with children who are driving off in camp. He cried and asked to come « on larger more ».

The next year and all consequent vacation she took he at home. Then he began to go home itself.

It was not pleasant to the grandmother in Zolochev, and when the son Tolia has finished of serving in army, she has left. Have arrived Zoia and father.

The father has arrived to work in Kharkov on silicate factory, has received here in a hostel the room, and then in a barrack and began to insist to sell the house in Zolochev. The same judgements was and Zoia. But for Tamara Danilovna it would not be desirable it to sell. But her have not listened and house have sold for twenty thousands (on old money). On this money the father has purchased a motor scooter, and remaining be dispatched the God knows where. So Tamara Danilovna again has appeared in Kharkov. And again from zero. All property - table, bed, stools and flower.

Zoia has worked slightly in Kharkov, but here it was not pleasant to her, and she was again recruited in Yakutia. And have remained to live in a barrack on outskirts of city of Kharkov Tamara Danilovna, Mark Kirilovich and their son Tolia.

EPILOGUE

Well, Tolinka. I have made, that you asked. As was able, has described the life, for a fun and in edification to the grandsons and great-grandsons. As I further lived, you already well remember. And fathers rabbits, both new apartment, and my work on silicate.

And furthermore you remember our life in Ahtubinsk. My returning in Kharkov and death of the father. And as I now live in Rostov, you know perfectly. The time will come, and you will want to summarize of the life, then can be about it and will write.

And now so I shall tell. The life mine was not quiet, smooth and replate. Where me only did not carry. As a dry leaf drive me a wind of destiny on all our great country. And eternal poverty, unarranging. Probably, other would damn the life. I am not doing this . And only because the life mine has passed not for nothing. The main total of my life it you, my children. Talented, vigorous, courageous and independent. You - my happiness.

Lilia - a painter. Valerik - composer. You the officer and engineer. Only Zoia especially did not shine with talents. From us with the father she has inherited to the full, probably, not best our quality - draft to wanderings. All life she has returned to Siberia, until has abandoned us for ever, and where, in terrestrial paradise, in subtropics of the Black Sea coast of Caucasus, in Sukhumi!

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