How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it. How does a woman know that she is overweight? She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go in the other. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose? Darling. How can you tell if a woman is really fat? Her front door has stretch marks. How can you tell if a woman is really fat? She goes to Japan, and the sumo wrestlers cower in fear. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested? She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
Sure-fire ways to know you're a Woman
1. You're a Bitch
2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed
off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves
parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this
behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you
can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines
because he has pressing business, i.e. You say "It's no big deal,
but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me
if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great
deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or
not it is possible!"
6. Whine
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past
boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain
12. Hate any bar he likes
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying
for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these
are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your
cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life
(also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend
must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be
informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up
with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the
next month just to rub it in.
Top Ten Things You'll NEVER Hear a Woman say to Another Woman
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? 2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! 3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both. 4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody. 5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him. 6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned ditch-digger with a heart of gold any day! 7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices! 8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy! 9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once? 10. I just realized - my butt doesn't look fat in this - my butt IS fat!
Top Ten Things You'll NEVER Hear a Man say to Another Man
1. Does my butt look fat in this?
2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?
3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
4. Censored
5. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
6. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching
a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and
then suffers miserably.
7. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with
them!
8. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commericals.
9. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.
10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all, that's
the important thing.
If Men Were In Charge of Planning Weddings....
There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie,
Louie" and "Mony Mony".
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter-tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have
matching team colors.
June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that "forsaking
all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some
other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car.
Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old)
would get punched in the head.
Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half time or
between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of
the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think, Dear, The Burgundy or the
Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or
tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at
the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to
her ass.
Instead of a sit down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or
buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist the
garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.
The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or
something.
Invitations would read as follows.......
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.... He's
getting married.
He either:
A.) knocked her up,
B.) couldn't get a different roommate, or
C.) caved to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest
of his life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line at Half time
during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the MoonLight Lounge after
the game For Beer, Nacho's and Pizza.
Oh Yeah... B.Y.O.B.