4-09-00

Jonathen,
Well sweet baby of mine mommy is feeling so tired today. I can barely keep my eyes open. Your daddy got bit by a dog last night and had to go the ER to get checked out, some of the time mommy really truly hates what he does for a living. However, you and I both know that daddy loves what he does and I would never want him to resent us for taking that away. It’s in his blood and what I find scariest of all is that more than likely it shall be in yours too. We’re 28 weeks 4 days and have our next appt. on Tuesday the 11th. You know I sat in my room last night watching a Rockie’s game and just couldn’t help it I cried. That was the first Rockie’s game I’d watched from beginning to end since poppy died. It was his favorite sport little one. He was good, darn good! He had a try out with the Detroit Tigers and he would’ve made it. I know it , but he hurt his knee 3 weeks before and never got to play. He watched baseball faithfully, with his can of cheese curls in one hand and a big glass of coke in the other. He taught me all about baseball, what kind of pitches our pitchers threw and how the game worked. In the last year of his life we watched a ton of baseball usually while we were at a chemotherapy treatment, those took 4-6 hours a piece. I miss watching those games with him. I miss commiserating about how horrible a team we were, and it makes me so sad that you’ll never get to do that with him. I have my good days when I remember how much pain he was in, and how it hurt to breathe or swallow. Then I have days like today when I wish I could forget how bad it was for him. I wish I could just get one more hug, one last time. However, I’ve been told by numerous sources that after I got that one last hug I’d want another and another and another. They’re probably right. One is never enough. Yet you’re such a lucky boy as you’re going to have a grandpa who loves you just like poppy loved me. My dad is already so in love with you. He and grandma both talk to my tummy and kiss it and anxiously await your kicks. You will have the most wonderful loving support system of any kid. You’re very lucky to be surrounded by people who desperately want and love you. Some kids never get to feel that, they never get to feel like they are loved and very special. You, however, will feel that from the day you’re born. You should be feeling it now but I don’t know exactly how much emotion crosses from my tummy to you. =0) Whenever you feel like no one loves you remember just how many people do. Your great-grandparents, your grandparents, your mommy and daddy, your aunts and uncles, we all love you. You’re very special, as you are the only grandchild on my side of the family. More importantly you are special because you will be the only one to carry on your daddy’s name and his legacy. You are the only male Swart and on your shoulders rests the future of our family name. When I married your daddy I took on that name and I wear it with pride. So I hope and pray you respect the name that your dad has worked so hard to be able to give you pride in. I love you little man more than life itself. We’re in the home stretch 73 days at the most till you’re in my arms. Not that long if you think about it. Love you baby boy!

4-27-00

Jonathen,
In the last couple of weeks I have learned so much about myself. In having to fight hard and dig deep to carry you to term I have learned that I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. In myself I have found the strength to push past the aches and pains in my body, the worries in my head, and the constant fatigue that tries to overwhelm me. I am so thankful that I have gotten the chance to do this, I honestly believe it will make me a better mother. I have found in myself a reserve of strength that I now know I can call on at any time. I can take a deep breath, look inside myself, and dig deep to find that extra bit of courage I thought I didn’t have. I think it’s so important for me to have seen this side of me. I’ve never been one to quit but I’ve always tried to play it safe and not push myself to hard fearing that I wouldn’t have that extra reserve the rest of the world did. However, I’ve found while being pregnant you have to push yourself and find that place, you don’t have a choice as there is a tiny being depending on you to find that last scrap of strength you didn’t think you had. With your help baby boy I have gained a whole new respect for myself. I am proud of myself that I have gotten this far and you know what? I’m gonna get a lot farther, we’re going all the way kid. You and I are gonna make it to full term and then some. We’re gonna show the world what it’s like to find that bit of strength in you and to dig deep and push hard. We’re going to prove to your daddy and your grandparents that I’m a fighter and I wont give up. I haven’t yet have I? Many a night I have spent crying wondering if I could do this but today for some odd reason I just felt this peace. I know if my heart little one that I can and will do this. In the last 8 months you’ve taught me more about faith, love, and strength than I’ve learned in all 20 years of my life. I never really believed it when someone said you would love the baby inside you more than yourself, I was an admittedly selfish person and my world consisted of me and your dad. When I found out I was pregnant with you it just instantly changed. My whole world did a 180 degree turn and no longer was I worried about me but you, I worried about you constantly. I had always thought myself this great person of faith. I believed when others didn’t, or so I thought. Every time I was faced with a hard situation I would let fear not faith overwhelm me. Yet in the last month I’ve found a place of sanctuary in prayer. A ferverent genuine prayer based on my true belief that that prayer could make a difference. Prayer without faith is empty, kind of like a car without gas, it goes nowhere. Now when I pray it’s with the genuine faith that my prayer is heard and God is listening to me. Nothing I’ve ever found is as calming as that. As for strength, I thought I had none. I had let myself believe that the world could and would defeat me. In all reality it only took a simple realization that life is what you make of it to change my outlook. Remember that phrase little man as it will surely make a difference in your life. I will do my best to raise you to see that strength is in everybody. Even those who look so frail and weak have strength. It took strength for your poppy to look me in the eyes and admit his fight was over. I never saw that as strength until now, I saw it as a weakness, an admission that you give up. But that my boy, that was true strength, and now in myself I’ve finally found the reserve I never thought I had. I’ll do my best to raise you to realize that you are strong, you are a miracle of God, loved and cherished by all around you. That reminds me. I wrote you a poem little man and every time you doubt my love for you, I want you to read it and remember it was written when I carried you in my belly. When things were hard and it did take all of my strength to get to the end. Remember when you read this I’ve never felt anything but love for you.

The Miracle of You

Someday when you're older you'll understand
What a miracle your coming to this earth was
It was a hard fought battle that took all my strength
And at times I wondered if I'd we'd make it to the end

Someday when you have kids of your own
You'll realize what a miraculous experience it is to be a parent
To know that someday the angel in your wifes’ tummy will call you daddy
And look adoringly at you thinking you hang the moon and stars from the sky

Someday you wont be my little boy anymore
You'll be all grown up and experiencing things that are a challenge
Things that will make you into a stronger man
And help you realize that life is what you make of it

But most of all someday you'll wake up and realize the love I've always felt for you
Whether it was expressed in a reprimand or a kiss to make the boo boo better
You'll understand that in the end
It was to create the miracle of you

5-07-00

Jonathen,
Well as usual your mommy is minorly behind in updating this thing! We had your baby shower on the 30th of April and it was so much fun. You are such a spoiled little baby!!! Did you know that? So many people love you that it absolutely amazes me. As everyone was arriving all I could do was sit in my chair watching the procession of people and cry. I cried because there were many days that I didn’t think we’d get to that point. Many a day I wondered if you could hang on for just a few more weeks or days to get us to that safety zone. I remember sitting on your grandma and grandpa’s bed hearing that my progesterone had fallen once again and the nurse telling me that “things didn’t look good”. I just laid my head on your daddy’s chest and cried for all I was worth. Even at that stage of the game I was so bonded to you that the thought of losing you absolutely devastated me. Your daddy though, he never lost faith in your desire to stick around and meet us. He just held me and told me I had to keep the faith and that only God knew what was going to happen. He was right Jonathen you did wanna stick around and meet us. In just 3 weeks you can come out safely. I remember when I was counting to make it to week 24 praying so hard with everything in me please God just let us get there then he has a chance. Here we sit just 2 days from week 33 and just 51 days until your due date. You and I both know that we wont get that far but if you can just hang on for another 23 days you more than likely wont have to spend a single minute in the NICU. I am praying that at that time your lungs are mature. The Lord has answered every prayer I’ve said for you since before you were conceived, well duh huh? As you were the answer to a prayer! I just thought that I’d sit down tonight and reminisce about all the amazing/terrifying/wonderful/scary things that we’ve been through on this journey. It’s drawing to a close and when you let out your first big cry we will have finally made it past this first hurdle. From that first cry on, though, there’s a whole new set of challenges and a whole new journey that has just begun. To be a good parent, to make the right decisions, and most of all to make sure you always know how loved you are. So as we draw closer to the end of this part of our journey Jonathen I want you to know how much I love you and how much I’ve grown because of you. I’m a stronger person and much more ready to take on the challenges of being a mommy after having to fight with everything in me to keep you in. I love you and soon I’ll get to say that to your tiny beautiful little face.

5-18-00

Jonathen,
Hello little one!!!! =0) We’re 34 weeks 1 day today and we had a perinatology appt. on Tuesday that went very well. We made some decisions about the date of your arrival and I only have 20 short days to wait. That’s scary and exhilerating for me all at the same time. So soon you will be on the outside and I will finally be able to touch that beautiful face and hold those tiny tiny little fingers in mine. The thought that I will be able to kiss that beautifully bald head of yours is one I cherish with everything in me. Your daddy can not wait to meet you. He is so blatantly in love with you and every time he talks to my tummy when he thinks I’m sleeping I fall that much more in love with him. He is the strongest man I’ve ever met. I only hope that growing up you see that and realize that it’s a rare and special quality. Not all, actually not even most, men can willingly admit their love for their child. Your daddy tells you every night how much he loves you and how much he cherishes you. You should never have a doubt in this world that your parents love you more than anything on God’s green earth. Remember how very much we’ve been through and how much we have yet to experience. I’m sure we’ll make mistakes, all parents do, but I want you to know that everything we do is what we think is best at the time. It’s so funny to me that someday you’ll sit here and read all of the emotions that have coursed through my head and body during these last 5 months of my pregnancy. A part of me wishes I would’ve started this from day one but the negativity and fright that I felt would’ve probably made it an unenjoyable experience for you to read. Someday when you’re older you’ll see just how much I loved when you were a tiny baby in my stomach. I talk to you all the time, I don’t know if you actually here my voice or if it just gets muffled up in all the sounds going on in there. I’d like to think that when you’re born you’ll hear my voice and know it’s me. The one who carried you in her belly for 37 long weeks, prayed for you for 21 long months before you were conceived, and would lay down my life for you for the rest of your earthly existence. I love you so much Jonathen, I fall more in love with you every day that passes and it’s hard to imagine how overwhelming the feeling will be when you are finally in my arms. Seeing as how you’re going to be an only child I am sure I’m going to desperately miss the bond that you and I share right now. I get this secret joy of knowing that I feel every kick and roll and it’s something only you and I share. I’ve had you all to myself for 8.5 months now and the thought of sharing you is not one I liked too much at first. Let me clarify, I don’t mind sharing you with your daddy but the rest of the world, well that’s a different story. You know an issue just came up sitting here typing this to you. I sure hope you don’t suffer quite the angst that your uncle Phillip does. He drives me crazy with his anger and resentment towards everyone. Your father tells me that it’s just part of being a boy but man if it is God help me when you’re 17. ;0) Anyway your grandma’s home with food and we’re hungry aren’t we? I love you baby and in such a short amount of time you’ll finally be in my arms. I CAN NOT WAIT! =0)

5-30-00

Jonathen,
Well munchkin we’re almost there!!!!! I can’t believe that we’re finally down to day of you being here. In 6 days I’ll be having my amnio to make sure your lungs are mature and then we’ll be inducing labor. The Dr. seems to think there’s even a chance of you coming early all by yourself. I would absolutely love for that to happen. I’d prefer not to have the amnio but I know we need to make sure you’re okay! We had a peri appt. today and you would not behave for anything. I think it’s just that you hate the monitors and hate being peaked at even more! You wouldn’t stop moving during the NST and then during your BPP you wouldn’t move at all. You had your poor mommy on the verge of tears. Do you think that’s very fair? I don’t!  You know I often wonder what it’s going to be like to hold you in my arms for the first time. I am sure that I will cry but that’s okay right?  I definitely know that I will be in complete awe of finally seeing you. You’ve been a work in progress for 30 long months. Your daddy and I were discussing that the reason it took us so long to get pregnant is that precious tiny little baby’s with fiesty personalities, big lips, and pug noses were on back order and we had to wait for the next shipment to come in. Pretty funny huh?  You’ll soon see that you’re going to be coming into a house of wild and crazy people but every single one of them loves you. You are the most loved baby I know! You will never want for affection that is for sure!!! I promise you now Jonathen that no a day will go by without you knowing just how loved and special you are. I’m sure that you’re going to end up a little bit spoiled as you’re going to be an only child but, that’s to be expected. At least I’m trying to convince your daddy that it’s to be expected. I think he’s going to be the disciplinarian and I’m going to be the give you everything you could ever want one. I’m sure we’ll have a ton of arguments over how much spoiling you get but hey that’s what parents do. Mommy is in major pain as your head is splitting my pelvic bones open. I know this is a good thing but Jonathen I shall not like it hurts!!!!!!! Just remember all that I went through to get you here…….nah never mind that sounds way to much like a guilt trip. I LOVE YOU little man. Just 6 days and counting!