#1
A grade school teacher gave an assignment to her class, that
each student should think of a story and then a moral for that
story to share with the class the next day. The following day the
teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and
little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs
on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of
the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says,
"Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8
of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're
hatched."
Finally it's little Billy's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted
fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy
territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine
gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the
case of beer."
"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is
possibly any moral to his story and Billy replies, "Don't mess
with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
#2
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers,
8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever
went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they
had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end
trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby
who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He
agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and
alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive
desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked,
"Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room,
all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked,
"Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third
time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the
desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked,
"Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the
closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly
said, "We are in big trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
#3
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow
he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his
way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and
figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to
enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was
rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any toilet paper on your side?"
#4
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad
one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of
the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the
rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm
a rabbi. Just look at our cars."
"There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must
be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this.
Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then the rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest
agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the
rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you
having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police to
join us."
#5
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
Then the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time.
The teacher was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie,
knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually
his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what
that was. "It's a period", Johnnie explained. "Well I can
see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack and Mommy
fainted."
#6
A husband and wife were getting a divorce, and so they were
told to take their child to the judge so he could decide who
would get custody. After reaching the judges office the judge
looked at the child and said, "I'm going to let your mother take
care of you."
The child replied, "I don't want to live with my mother, she
beats me."
The judge paused for a second and then said, "Okay then, I
guess you can live with your father."
The child immediately responded, "But I don't want to go with
him either, he beats me too!"
After thinking about this a second the judge asked, "Well
then, where do you want to go?"
The child said, "I want to go with the Red Sox, they never
beat anybody."
#7
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside
the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and
an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After
fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company
president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must
be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings
them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to
strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of
attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to
the engine company that could bring out the company's secret
files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire
truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company
composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the
little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and
drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance
the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their
rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had
never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the
chemical company president announced that he would double the
reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of
the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually
the president asked the group what they intended to do with the
reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye
and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn
brakes on that truck!"
#8
A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked
him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: " A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And
God said, "In a minute."
#9
The Americans vs the Japanese Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person
rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new
structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers
and a new performance review system for the person rowing the
boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and
gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
#10
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations
building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to
cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a
resident New Yorker.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the
current meat shortage?"
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"
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