#1
A nun who ran the local orphanage called in three girls who
had just turned 18, and were therefore about to be unleashed on
the world as adults. "You are women now," she began, "So I must
warn you about the ways of the men of the world. They will take
you out dining and drinking, take you back to their abodes, take
off all of your clothes, have sloppy sex with you, and then give
you some money and send you away."
One of the girls looked back at her wide-eyed and needed
to confirm part of what she had just heard. "You mean men of the
world will have sex with us and pay us with cash?"
"Yes, my child. I am afraid it is true."
"Well, Alright! All the cheap-assed priests ever paid us
with was candy!"
#2
A middle-aged man decided to murder his wife. So he went
to his doctor, who was also his personal friend, and asked him what
kind of poison to use on her. The doc told him that,
unfortunately, there was no poison that couldn't be detected in an
autopsy.
"Shit! What am I going to do then?" he worried.
"Well, I have an better plan. One that I call the
'organic' approach. What you do is fuck your wife five times a
day, every day. It will really tell on her. Eventually, you will
have fucked her literally to death."
This plan appealed to the man for several reasons, so he
agreed to implement it.
Five weeks passed, and the doctor hadn't heard a word from
his friend. Curious about his fiendish plot, he went to the
friend's house to check on its success. There in a rocking chair
on the front porch sat a wizened old coot who was wrinkled,
stooped, gray, balding, dehydrated, and his teeth were all falling
out. The doctor was shocked when, upon closer examination, he
realized that this old wreck was really his friend/patient.
While the stunned look was still on the doctor's face, the
wife walked out the front door and smiled at him in leaving the
house.
"My God! She looks flush, radiant, and vibrant!"
"Yep," wheezed the husband, "she doesn't even realize
she's about to die!"
#3
On the morning after their wedding night, the groom called
down to their hotel's room service to order breakfast. For
himself he ordered one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two
gallons of orange juice to restore his fluids. For his wife her
ordered a plain head of lettuce. The clerk was surprised by the
latter and said, "Won't your wife be wanting anything else?"
"Not at this point," he replied, "I'm conducting an
experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit, too."
#4
A man was selling strawberries door-to-door. He knocked on
the front door of a house, and a beautiful young lady answered the
door. He asked if she wanted any of his strawberries. "Yes, I
think we can work something out," she said, "Come around to the
back door."
When he got to the back door she was now standing there
totally naked and looking seductive. Immediately the man began
sobbing loudly.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"A month ago, I got fired from my steady job. A week ago
my wife left me. Yesterday my house burned down. And now, today
I am going to get fucked out of my strawberries!"
#5
A Polish girl's visa ran out in New York City at the same
time as her money. She was desperate to get back to Poland, and
utterly penniless. It was in this condition that she was confronted
by a man in sailor's garb at the dock one day. After confiding in
him, he proposed a solution to her problem. "I will smuggle you
aboard my ship tonight and hide you. Twice a day I will bring you
food to keep you alive during our passage. All you have to do in
return is give me a blowjob each time I bring the food. You won't
have to spend any money whatsoever."
She agreed. And, true to his word, the sailor brought her
a meal twice daily to her dark, quiet hiding place. She fulfilled
her part of the bargain each visit.
After three weeks, though, the captain noticed his sailor's
odd routine, and followed him to the girl's hiding spot, where he
watch the exchange of food and semen. After the sailor left, he
confronted the stowaway, and she confessed everything to him.
"Well, my dear," he smiled, "that was damn decent of my
crewman to take you under his wing, but I am afraid you are being
taken advantage of by him. You see, this is the Staten Island
ferry."
#6
Three sisters got married on the same day. All three
couples decided to spend their first wedded night at the home of
the sisters' mother before splitting up and going their separate
ways along life's path.
The girls' mother decided to stay up all night and be
available just in case her daughters needed any critical
last-minute advice. None of the girls came to her mother during
the night, but she did overhear what noises came from their
respective bedrooms.
What amazed the woman the most was that, although she had
trained all three of her daughters identically, the sound coming
from the respective bedrooms was different in each case...laughing
from one, crying from one, and total silence from the third.
Overpowered by natural feminine curiousity, the lady
interviewed her daughters the next day. One girl explained, "You
heard me crying. You always taught us to cry when something
hurt."
"You heard me laughing," said the second daughter. "You
always taught us to laugh when something tickled."
"You didn't hear anything from me," added the third
daughter. "You always taught us not to talk when we had a mouth
full."
#7
A middle-aged guy who was stark bald bought a hairpiece to
see if he could increase his attractiveness. That same night, he
decided to try it out. He picked up a really cute young lady at a
bar and took her to his apartment.
He turned off all the lights to get things started, and
soon they were in to heavy petting. Lothario realized with horror
that his wig had fallen off, and began groping frantically for it
in the darkness, hoping to put it back on his head before the girl
discovered his deception. In his searching zeal he inadvertently
ran his hand up between his date's legs.
"Oh! That's it!" she exclaimed.
"No it isn't! I part mine on the side."
#8
An obviously wealthy businessman from out of town stopped
in to the local whorehouse and asked for the rottenest lay in the
place. The madam was amazed, and said, "Sir, you obviously could
afford a highly skillful centerfold, you don't need some rank
amateur."
"No, no, you misunderstand," he answered. "I'm not horney,
I'm just homesick."
#9
A guy decided to hit on a beautiful babe at a party and
asked her if she would like a drink.
"I don't drink," she answered.
"Oh. Well, how about if you come to my place and give me
a blowjob?"
"I don't have sex," she said.
"Well, then, can I give you a bale of hay?"
"Hay! What the hell for, I don't eat hay!"
"I was just confirming I was right," said the guy, "You're
not fit company for man or beast."
#10
A salesman at a convention picked up a classy looking girl
at the hotel bar and took her back to his room. After long,
passionate, wet, sloppy lovemaking, his mood suddenly changed from
joyous to morose.
"I can't believe I did that," he lamented. "I have a
beautiful wife, a wonderful family, and a picturesque home. I
have never betrayed them before. I feel so terrible, so guilty."
"Oh, buck up," the girl replied. "What you did wasn't so
bad. People do much worse things all the time. I, for instance,
before we started knew I had herpes."
#11
A carpenter had been hired to add a new partition in a
whorehouse. After he completed his job, he naturally went to the
madam and asked her for $100 in payment.
"I'm sorry, pal," she said. "But I can't pay you in
cash. However, I can let you take it out in trade."
The carpenter scowled in disappointment, but nodded his
head. The madam promptly took off all of her clothes and
spreadeagled on the bed for him. He leaned over her and stuck his
thumb in her asshole and next two fingers in her vagina.
"Now pay me the $100, or I'll pull out the partition."
#12
The mother of a girl out on a date stayed up late waiting
for her to return. When she finally came in the door, the mother
noticed that her daughter was covered with rice. "Susie! I didn't
know it was a wedding that you were going to!"
"It wasn't, Mom. I was blowing a Chinese guy and he barfed
up all over me."
#13
A whore walked up to the bar, put her just-earned $20 down,
and ordered a whiskey. The bartender looked at the $20 bill and
said, "I'm sorry, but that's counterfeit. You've been fucked."
"Like hell!" she said. "I've been raped!"