MORE ways to confuse your roommate: (cont.)
oops....I forgot to mention that these 100 ways came to you direct from the
bustling metropolis of Alfred, NY; specifically Alfred University.
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If
your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them.
Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music,
take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say,
"Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and
claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and
your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that
you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the
room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions
immediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim
that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If
your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots,
claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your
roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about
it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give
some beans to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with
a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about
the cost of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and
then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the
hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say,
"Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the
end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from
the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus.
If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find
one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had
to be done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh,
wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed.
If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't
box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you
can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look
like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about
it again, immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate,
immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day,
hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head
and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know
what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in
blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like
to have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate
walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a
speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this
later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the
telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the
worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking
about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome
to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the
hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing
things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests,
tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a
tangent about the importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had
good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in
bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the
horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid
horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at
it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the
jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin
singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns
on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so
for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the
refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much
you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From
then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the
good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving
you and your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about
and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join
you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say,
"Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's
going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash
everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns,
explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on
them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours
each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't
evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your
roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking
bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage
can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your
roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down
the hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.
Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that
the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do
it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that
they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies
while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your
roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to
tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the
Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not
the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the
room.
