One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day. Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life. The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before
the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given
directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and
the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course,
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied " I'm on the 7th
hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked
her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the
same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must
be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He
finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at
the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender
said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for
your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What
do you sell"?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampex". With that, he fell on
the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew
you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so
I'm still a hole behind you!"
The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up it as she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the shit out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I will give you all a blow job that you will never forget." The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup." The Grandpa looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the ball and says, "Fuck the putt, that's a Gimme."
