I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! 

I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid 

Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different. 

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." 

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." 

"He who laughs last thinks slowest" 

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." 

I'm not even going to ignore that.

I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished 

I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right! 

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? 

I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things. 

I'm not tense, just terribly alert. 

I've had fun before. This isn't it. 

If I can't win, I don't wanna play! 

If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here. 

If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing. 

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself! 

If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.

I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I. 

I'm Serfectly Pober. 

I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once. 

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. 

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.... 

I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person! 

I resemble that remark.

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages

I can resist anything but temptation. 

I bet you I could stop gambling. 

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES! 

I'm easy to please as long as I get my way. 

I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met... 

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else." 

"Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

"... Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."

"A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces."

"A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs."  

"A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it." 

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." 

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." 

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." 

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." 

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." 

Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies. 

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system. 

"There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who can count & those who can't." 

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. " 

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 

If you say nothing, no one will repeat it. 

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention. 

It is bad luck to be superstitious. 

It's hard to be serious when you're naked. 

It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it? 

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. 

People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care

"It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."

"A friend in need is a pest indeed... "

"A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you." 

"A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot."

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now." 

"All generalizations are false, including this one."  

Not many people realize just how well known I am.

The whole world is about three drinks behind. 

There will be no last bus tonight. 

Famous Comedic Quotes:

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"  --John Mendoza

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may
be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals.  We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."  --Jeff Stilson

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there.  I think if you've got a T-shirt with a 
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get ridof the body before you do the wash."  --Jerry 
Seinfeld

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I 
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. 
Now I'll have to kill you too."  --Jake Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."  --Paul
Rodriguez