Baseball Season

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in
 his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring
 run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and
 the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick 
accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter 
slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his 
knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will 
ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the 
ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya 
bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and 
he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment 
whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After 
this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, 
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!" 

Bubba

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole 
world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new 
boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss 
doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone
in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss 
says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know 
them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a 
name. "Tom  Selleck! 
I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom 
and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's 
boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so 
they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba 
knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes
 "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 
minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks 
"Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba 
and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill 
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I 
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's 
boss says "No you weren't!" and  Bubba says "Yes we were!" so 
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a 
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until 
Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" 
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference 
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is 
stunned-- he can't believe it.  But then he thinks "Well that's 
just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows 
everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says 
"OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You 
do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope 
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba 
says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving 
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their 
way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, 
we're never gonna get there together through all these people so 
I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll 
give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's 
about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and 
right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.  Bubba comes back 
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says  "Boss! 
Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what 
happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can
see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take 
the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that 
up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!

Butlers Nite Off

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman 
of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of 
the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he 
 should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at 
the party, so she came home early, alone.  Her husband had to 
stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves  sitting by 
himself in the dining room.  She called for him to follow her, 
and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked 
the door.

She looked at him and smiled.  "Jeeves," she said."Take off my 
dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off 
my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.  "Jerves," she 
then said. "Remove my bra and panties."  As he did this, the
tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said,  "Jeeves, if I ever catch you 
wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

CEO Party

A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his 
executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the 
property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has 
ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with 
hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an 
executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me 
CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough 
courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and
make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they 
desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" 

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow 
the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud 
splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial 
Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the
alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool 
with seconds to spare.
He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. 
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are 
amazing. I've never seen anything like itin my life. You are 
rave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I
can do for you." 

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me 
who the hell pushed me in the pool!!" 

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they
 are the best at apprehending criminals.
    
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit 
into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
    
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the 
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After 
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that 
rabbits do not exist.
    
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing 
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no 
apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.
    
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear 
is yelling: "Okay! 
Okay! I'm a rabbit!  I'm a rabbit!

Cinderella and the Pumpkin...

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her
 wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother 
pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother 
tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything
she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella 
asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, 
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm 
on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm." The fairy 
godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that 
will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees
to wear a diaphragm. "Well, what's the second condition?" 
Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back 
home by 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go 
party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The
fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM,
 then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that
 at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so 
Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM... 

At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no 
Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door 
with a huge grin on her face. 

The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, 
"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to 
turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he 
took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a 
prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to 
which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter
something or other...."

Condom Emergency

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President 
cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a
 true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within 
their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 
1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly!  I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4"
 in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung 
up and called the President of Trojan.  "I need a favor, you've 
got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to 
Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4"
 wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM'
 on each one."

Conflict Resolution

There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door
 to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would 
look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for 
breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid 
an egg in the Scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door 
when he saw the Scotsman pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up 
to the Scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because 
he owned the hen.The Scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid 
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said "In my 
family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I 
kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back 
up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for
me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Scotsman agreed to this and so the English man found his 
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, 
then ran toward the Scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in 
the balls.The Scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts
howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to 
kick you."

The Englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."

A Son's Bad Dream

 A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is 
having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is 
OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie 
Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie 
is fine and sends him to bed. 
The next day, Auntie Susie dies. 

 One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish 
him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man 
again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt 
that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that 
granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. 

The next day, granddaddy dies. 

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish 
him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man 
again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt 
that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and
sends the boy to bed. 

  The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so 
terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is 
sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously 
to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he 
is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he 
will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every 
movement and hides under his desk. 

 Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God 
Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire 
life! 

    She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman 
dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. 
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, 
for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff 
questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, 
about my height?
Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about 
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! 
Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....