Stories . . .

The Little Rascles

One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says 
they were going to have a spelling bee. 
She calls on Spankey. "Spankey can you spell Dictate?"
He goes "D-i-c-k-" She goes "No".
Then she goes on, "Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?"
Alfalfa says "D-i-c-t-a-e-" She goes "No".
Then she calls on Buckwheat. "Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?"
Buckwheat says "D-i-c-t-a-t-e".
The teacher says "Very good, now can you put that in a sentence?"
Buckwheat replies "Darla how did my Dictate last night?"

Loose Leads

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says "bless me father for 
I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman". 

The Priest says "Is that you Tommy?" 

Yes father, it is I. 

Who was the woman you were with? 

I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation. 

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? 

No father. 

Was it Fiona MacDonald? 

No father. 

Was it Ann Brown? 

No father, I cannot tell you. 

The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for 
your sins. 

Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys. 

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and 
asks what happened? 

Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three 
good leads". 

Tail #1

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of 
the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of 
moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The 
Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! 
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved
that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing 
the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on 
and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning 
and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the 
part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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#2

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he 
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need 
to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT 
the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you 
want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a 
sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny 
thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had 
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" 

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#3

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for 
a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the 
same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who 
responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and 
she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out 
beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that 
she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

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#4

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny 
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and 
moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" 

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several 
times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. 
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. 
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw 
himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh,
I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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#5

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to 
the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the 
class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to 
school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand 
are in the beach?"

Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the 
teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and 
again no one could answer. 

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would 
somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints 
them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper 
bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, "Here's 
this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor 
sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the
room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class 
amusing, the  entire class starts laughing. 

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black 
balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see 
ya on Tuesday!"

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Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, 
was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees 
started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began 
stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling 
the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's 
it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and 
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His 
father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, 
said, "No butter for you for one month!" 

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got 
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen 
floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the 
cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny 
and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, 
"Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with 
her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's 
propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive 
throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the
 lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the 
class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with 
some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and 
trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was 
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all 
attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his 
two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to 
do with sex education, Johnny?" 

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

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Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement 
where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. 
Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test 
tubes, pounding something into the wall.

"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.

"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring 
this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my 
formula made the worm hard as a rock." 

Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm 
in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what.
You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in 
it and I'll buy you a Toyota."

So little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when 
Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz 
parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.

"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The 
Mercedes is from your mother."

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Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his 
father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to 
learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can 
describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm 
capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be 
government because she controls everything, our maid will be the 
working class because she works for us, you will be the people
because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the 
future. Does that help any?" 

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think 
about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone 
to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further 
investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his 
father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. 
Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when 
he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was 
in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he 
turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, 
"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." 

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that 
capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound 
asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his 
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of 
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make 
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time 
ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I 
know! He's in our bathroom!!!" 

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited 
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few 
very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little 
Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every 
morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'

A Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is
 on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the 
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he 
hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." 

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts 
his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. 

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky 
frog, eh?" 

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." 

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 

"What do you think frog?"the man asks. 

"Ribbit. 3 wood." 

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is 
befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in 
his life and asks the frog, 

"OK where to next?" 

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." 

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" 

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." 

Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks, "What do you 
think I should bet?" 

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." 

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf 
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes 
his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the 
frog down and says, 

"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this 
money and I am forever grateful." 

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." 

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he 
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 
15-year-old girl. 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."