Agonising eternity
Can’t believe it’s only Tuesday. Yesterday’s
the first day without J in office. Time passed unbearably slow. The whole
office fell into a dead silence, without the daily chats and emailing over some
obscure OED words of the day that’s long been eradicated from the English
language. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say, but keep
forgetting. Is that about the books I’ve read? Present state of
existence, or what? Really don’t remember. I’ve been living in a
void recently, completely nullified by the not-so-many incomplete tasks
that’ve been put onto my shoulders. The thing is, I’ve grown rather
tired of this job. Not that it’s tiring or as boring as an
accountant’s work, but that it keeps disillusioning one’s fantasy
about a publishing/editorial work, humanities, and the mission of education. It
is a demoralising thing that you can never write, not to mention publish your
own ideas, but instead you have to compromise for some bloody moronic superficial
gibbering on pretentious matters.
And actually for a start, the work is not well-paid at all. I can
somehow understand why J’s left us, really I wouldn’t have born
this for whole three damn years as he has had. The place is too small a pond
for too big a fish. Towards the end of the day I was lost in my sulky thoughts
about future again, experiencing the familiar agony of deciding what to do the
coming October. I’m just almost certain that I can’t stay here in
this suffocating city any more. But what if I escaped one only to fall into
another? All these years I have always thought myself worthy of more than this,
but…is it really the case? Everything’s so uncertain… I think
I just need a hideout in a black hole.
Music agony
I just realised that there are a few things I need to keep track
with and that I’ve been quite careless enough to have neglected. Scary
Chicken Head (well, less scary now since I’ve graduated from secondary
school) called me out of the blue after the 145th anniversary, I was
on my way to meeting Sigi and his g/f, thought she was to scold me about not
ringing her as promised, turned out that she’s got a job for me…
well, almost a job.
A friend of hers has apparently composed a sonata too obscurely
modern that no decent professional piano player wants to perform it, and out of
the bright sky blue she just remembered my existence, called me if I wished to
take up the challenge, and knowing that I would never say ‘no’ to
her requests, quite confident that I could be the one to bear the burden. She
was right though, I was actually thrilled to accept such a task, come to think
of it! Having a chance to perform in City Hall! Well, not sure if it’s
gonna be paid or not. The thing is I’ve left the world of music for too
long that I’ve already quite forgotten how bad I am at it. Dah… now
that the score’s arrived (last week) and after the first sight-reading
I’ve already quite given it up. The score looks simple enough but the
real problem is that the whole shitty thing is totally atonal, and that
it’s actually written for some monster who’s got twenty fingers.
After quite a painful analysis I found out that there’re actually two
key’s going on, for the right hand part it’s C major while for the
left-hand part, it’s c minor. I mean, it doesn’t make sense at all,
does it? Really need to ring SCH and tell her that I’m not up for the
task… think she’s gonna kill me anyway. Prepare myself to be
amputated.
Skirt Indulgence
dinner with candy and B3 last night; choice of food rather
restricted by the recent financial crisis, turned out that it was B3's treat.
Anyway.
can't bear the idea that my friends are all posh high-brow people. how much do
i have to spend on each of their birthdays?
thrilled by the free dinners, went to Bosni outlet again, couldn't stop myself
from buying skirts... emm... also glad to learn that i can actually fit into XS
skirts now... hahaha, the daily swims do pay off.
went home late, didn't call mum 'cos forgot to bring mobile. a little worried
about the average expansion of waist line amongst the people of hk. took out
trousers bought some years ago, size M, compare with the XS skirt just
bought... appalled to find both waist lines measure the same!!!
that is absolutely unbelievable. what has become of us now?
And now what?
rushed to the BC yesterday, skipped an hour of work, sweating
like a soaked potato despite everybody else is wearing thick coats and woolen
scarfs. been waded thro' the immense sea of paperworks--the greatest invention
of human society. finish work early, 'cos there wasn't much thinking to do, j's
been triumphantly applying his authorotative supression on my ideas. fine,
don't have to wrack my mind for any good ones. the point is, whether it's good
or not it doesn't make any difference anyhow. the book's doomed to be a piece
of crap. what are these people doing down here calling themselves
professionals? v. professional in a way indeed.
now that the PS is done there's this sample writing to do as well. for what the
hell on this magical world am i agonising on all this? my ever-growing lust for
escape, for freeing myself from strangles, i s'ppose.
bosquare~~COUNTING down says:
listening to quartet of Pachabell's canon, with recorder, so exciting, all
authentic instrument, including recorder, and a woodwind i don't know
bosquare~~COUNTING down says:
oh, sounds like a quintet to me now... with mandola... and it's actually a
variation on pachabell's canon
bosquare~~COUNTING down says:
wow! now it's getting to the jazz version!
ends with a chaotic silence.
Weather
drizzling outside. spring has arrived early, sweeping away the
bleakness and tantalising aroma of winter, replacing them with greyness, and
bleached greyness. the air though carries a smell of uncertainty that drives
people to a constant undefined state of mind, a state, which i think, describes
the very existence of human beings.
Payday
hurray! the first payday in 2005. seems quite a good tuesday (reminding me of
my official astrological lucky day). anywayz, managed to get hold of a train
ticket to
got summoned upstairs by the big boss. hoho, not bad, pay rise, though not as
much as expected... or dreamt. should celebrate, how? hmmm...
back down at seat, felt the psychological pressure the money's on me, told
myself should work harder, or at least pretend to be so. and there i was
painstakingly trying to crack down the dull tapescript. geez, the sad fact is
there isn't much to be drawn/pulled/sucked/exploited from it. and there i found
myself beating around the bush (or pathologically beating Bush), making jokes
out of no joke at all.
tracey's leaving for
and the haircut thing which has been bugging me since, is quite peacefully
solved in consenses, between my deeper and outer self. there's plenty of good
hairstylists up there, rite in bj. HURRAY!
and now thanks the fluorescent light for incessently blinking/flashing that
provides me with a lawful reason to take a mo. break from the shit.
NOW back to work.
Debut
never get to write a journal; or even if i do, it's mostly a
stitched-up of words that pop up on my mind mostly out of indignation. as for
an extremely unorganized person like me, one can hardly expect anything that
agrees with the superficial grammatical rules; we're talking about deep
structure, you know.
been reflecting on my present undertaking lately. it's really a crap job for a
crap person in a crap world. so pretentiously telling the kids secrets of
grandioso. why can't the so-called, or self-crowned EDUCATORs simply let the
thing go? learning is learning and what's the point of dictating to someone how
to learn? it's all a matter of IQ, if it happens, so commonly unfortunately,
that someone can't find the secret, it simply means they're out of the club.
and that's all, end of story. i would have just teared that book, burnt it, if
i found it on my reading list. pathetic kids. and you call that quality
education.
and now there are people who just can't STOP nagging you, even if you've been
acting rude to them on a personal record scale. WHY? and is there a way of
getting rid of the blinking icon of that darn stupid head?
been writing bullshit the whole day, now time for a break.