What's the difference between a violin and a viola? 
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so
much bigger. 

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? 
A fiddle is fun to listen to. 

Why are viola jokes so short? 
So violinists can understand them. 

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? 
The dog knows when to stop scratching. 

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? 
None. They can't get up that high! 

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile? 
Both are offensive and inaccurate. 

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? 
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. 

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? 
Violins don't have spit valves. 
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. 
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons
last winter." 
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!" 

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? 
Write "pp, espresso" 

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? 
Sell it and buy a violin. 

How do you confuse a cellist?
Put music in front of him.
 

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. 

How do you make a double bass sound in tune? 
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone. 

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1) 

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune.
Check it, please!" 
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are
equally tight." 
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs
have to be parallel!" 

Why are harps like elderly parents? 
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. 

How long does a harp stay in tune? 
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door. 

What's the definition of a quarter tone? 
A harpist tuning unison strings. 
 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? 
A flat minor. 

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? 
A flat major.