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Holy Matrimony
* THE NATURE OF MARRIAGE
Marriage is a contract resulting not in a status only
but in a relationship. A man and a woman are free either to
make or not to make the agreement to marry. But if they make
it, then God attaches certain consequences to their act. To
this particular free choice of a man and a woman God has
attached the consequence that a real relationship comes into
being.
They have stated their will to be husband and wife: God makes
them so. This is the sense, and the only sense, of the phrase
"marriages are made in heaven"; it does not mean, as those who
quote it bitterly or jestingly seem to think, that matches are
made in heaven, that God thrusts that man and that woman into
each other's arms. The man and the woman make the agreement to
marry: God makes the marriage. They are husband and wife by
their own consent but by His act.
They are now related to each other--as father to son, or
brother to sister, but more closely than either of these--in a
relationship directly made by God. "They are no longer two,
but one flesh," says Christ Our Lord (Matthew xix.6). Because
their oneness is a God-made thing, man cannot alter it: "What
God therefore has joined together," Our Lord continues, "let
not man put asunder."
God alone can bring a marriage into being; God alone lays down
the conditions in which it can cease to be. Once a
relationship is in being, the parties cannot alter these
conditions; nor can the State; nor can the Church. By God's
ordinance, marriage is the lifelong union of a man and a woman
for the propagation of the species. Thus, marriage is not
terminable, as a contract would be terminable, by the consent
of the parties; it is not terminable, as a mere status would
be terminable, by the will of the State.
>From this it follows that, while the parties can separate,
with the husband going to other women, the wife to other men,
they are still husband and wife because it was God who made
them so; their ignoring of the oneness leaves the oneness
untouched: it is beyond their reach, beyond any reach but
God's. Similarly a declaration by the State that a husband and
wife are no longer husband and wife--a declaration, that is,
of divorce--is a mere form of words.
Marriage, then, is a contract resulting in a relationship;
better still, it is a relationship resulting from a contract.
For when the relationship comes into being the contract has
done its work; it has produced the relationship of marriage,
and the parties are now governed in their common life, not by
the contract (which they made), but by the relationship (which
God made in ratification of their contract).
As a practical matter resulting from its being Godmade,
marriage is not indissoluble just because the parties at their
wedding made vows of lifelong fidelity. It is indissoluble
because it is marriage.
* Marriage without a Priest
Since the "Motu Proprio" of Pius XII (1 August 1948) all who
have been baptized as Catholics, whether or not they were
brought up outside the Church, are bound to be married before
the priest and it is no marriage if they are not. In the Latin
rite, the witness is usually the pastor of the bride; if the
man and the woman belong to different rites--one Latin and one
Melchite for example, or one Melchite and one Ruthenian--the
general rule is that the pastor of the bride should witness
the ceremony.
Although the priest is only a witness, his presence is
strictly required. And he must really be present--if to secure
his bodily presence one of the parties got him so drunk that
he did not know what was happening, the marriage would be
invalid.
Apart from certain exceptional cases, a Catholic who goes through
a civil form of marriage only is not merely committing a most
grave sin, but is not married at all. If his wedding is in a
non-Catholic church, the marriage is still null and the sin is
greater.
* FORM REQUIRED BY THE CHURCH
- The Priest as witness
In the Catholic Church, the form is clearly laid down. since
the Council of Trent so decided in 1563, a Catholic must be
married before the parish priest (or his delegate) and two
other witnesses; otherwise the marriage is clandestine, and
therefore null. It must be remembered that the priest is only
a witness; he does not "make" the marriage. He does not confer
the sacrament; the parties confer the sacrament on each other.
Therefore the only two people strictly necessary to the
celebration are the man and woman concerned. The Church now
insists on the presence of witnesses--one of whom must be the
bishop of the diocese, or else the parish priest or some
priest delegated by him.
The priest is only a witness and not one of the principals. If
it is not possible to have a priest, and the impossibility is
likely to continue for a month, or if there is danger of
death, then the marriage may be performed without a priest.
Otherwise this form is obligatory on Catholics: any Catholic
who tries to marry not observing this rule simply is not married.
In technical language, his union is null because of
clandestinity. To modern ears it is a curious word to use
(English law has it too). A Catholic film star, let us say,
marries before a Justice of the Peace. The street is blocked
with sightseers, every newspaper in the country has its
reporters there, the newsreel cameras do their busy work. In
due course the actor applies for and gets a decree of nullity
from the Church on the ground of clandestinity--secrecy,
hiddenness. The meaning, of course, is that the ceremony was
not observed by the one witness required for a Catholic
marriage, the priest; it was hidden from the face of the
Church.
* MIXED MARRIAGES
The section of the Church's marriage-law which deals with
clandestinity is probably better known and more generally
disapproved than all the rest put together, not because of any
strong general interest in Catholic ceremonial or disciplinary
regulations, but because this is the rule under which the
difficult cases of "mixed marriages" arise.
"Mixed marriages" are marriages in which one party is a
Catholic, the other a baptized non-Catholic. The Church
discourages such marriages: she has seen too often how
dangerous, even disastrous, they can be to the man and woman
concerned and to the children of the marriage: for one that
works out well, far too many work out ill. She consents to
them reluctantly, and grants a dispensation only for good
reasons and provided that the non-Catholic party agrees (i)
that any children of the marriage shall be brought up as
Catholics; and (ii) that the faith of the Catholic party shall
not be endangered; and the Catholic party must promise to do
his best to convert the non-Catholic. If the dispensation is
granted, then the parties may be married in the presence of a
priest, as the rule demands. If the dispensation is not
granted--and equally, of course, if it is not sought--then the
parties cannot be married at all.
--------------------- PART TWO ------------------------
+ PROXIMATE PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
"Choose your horse from a hundred, your friend from a thousand,
and your wife from ten thousand." That is an Arabian proverb, and
it is startling in its blunt annunciation of a patent truth. The
choice of a life partner in marriage is a great and grave
responsibility. It obligates one to love and serve another, to rear
children and govern them, and, at the same time, to serve God with
one's whole heart and soul and mind--works any one of which
alone requires great faith and perseverance, and which, taken
together, cannot be accomplished without special aid from
Heaven.
To choose a life mate for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health until his or her death, is obviously a task
that requires sane and sage judgment. So much depends on the
right choice that a prayerful proximate preparation is imperative.
Upon the choice of a husband or a wife depends happiness or
bitter regrets during this life and even heaven or hell in the next.
The importance of making a correct choice is stressed in Holy
Scripture. Here are but a few salient quotations:
"Happy is the husband of a good wife, for the number of his years
is double."
"A virtuous woman rejoices her husband; and he shall fulfill the
years of his life in peace."
"It will be more agreeable to abide with a lion and a dragon than to
dwell with a wicked woman."
"As the climbing of a sandy way is to the feet of the aged, so is a
wife full of tongue to a quiet man."
"Roofs dropping through on a cold day, and a contentious woman,
are alike."
Few readers will have experienced the calamity of having a roof
fall in on them on a cold day, but I feel that the married reader of
this page who steals a look across the room at the face of a
belligerent wife, or at a sullen, gloomy husband whose face
constantly bears the grieved look of an untipped waiter, will
readily understand what the Holy Ghost had in mind.
Broken hearts and homes would be the rare exception if more
serious thought was given to this matter of preparedness for
wedlock. An adequate proximate preparation for marriage
demands:
(1) A healthy moral and social teen-age development
(2) Physical, intellectual, emotional, and vocational maturity
(3) Prudence in choosing a potential mate
(4) Persevering prayer for guidance
(5) Parental counsel
(6) Consultation with your pastor or confessor
(7) A proper period of engagement
Since many of the virtues and vices acquired in the teen-age period
find their way into marriage as good or evil habits, it can be readily
seen that the teen-age can truly be said to be a part of the proximate
preparation for marriage and the venture may succeed or fail according to
what is blended in the joint alchemy of "keeping company."
All we have stated so far may be resolved into the following
sentences:
Love, honor, obey and respect your parents.
Attend Catholic schools.
Learn your religion.
Frequent the sacraments.
Avoid the company of those without faith or those who
criticize or scoff at religion. Base your morality on the teachings of
the Church.
Before quitting this topic of morality, I feel I should say a few
words on good manners, for good manners are nothing less than
little morals. If not virtues themselves, they are shadows of
virtues. Burke once said that "Manners are of more importance
than laws. According to this quality, they aid morals, they supply
laws, or they totally destroy them."
But what are good manners? One aspect is the art of putting others
at their ease. The person who makes the fewest persons
uncomfortable is the best-mannered. It is worthy of note that ill
manners spring from vanity, ill-nature, want of sympathy, and
want of common sense. Avoid the pitfall of being unmannerly
yourself and above all avoid the company of a person who is ill-
mannered.
Take care, however, not to confuse etiquette with good manners. The
former is quite arbitrary, varies in different ages and places and,
very often, is absurd; whereas good manners, founded as they are on
common sense, are universally the same.
The better the intellectual development, the better chance there is
for happiness in marriage. The more Catholic is that intellectual
development the more hope there is for holiness and happiness in
marriage. Remember this when you come to make the choice of a
mate!
Let us consider another and a most important requisite for
happiness in marriage: emotional maturity.
Here is a list of other things that indicate emotional immaturity.
(1) Gloominess over little failures
(2) Pessimism over slight difficulties
(3) Complete panic when frightened or in an emergency
(4) Throwing or breaking things when angry or crossed
(5) Tears when thwarted, disappointed or upset
(6) Selfishness, aggressiveness, rebelliousness, stubbornness
(7) Needless and prolonged worry over trifles
(8) Morbid fears, strong hates, and unreasonable prejudices.
But how, you ask, may one acquire emotional control? To this I
answer:
(1) Know yourself as you really are.
(2) Be individual. Try to pick your own hats and clothes.
(3) Fight your own battles.
(4) Don't seek sympathy from others.
(5) Don't feel sorry for yourself.
(6) Never be indecisive.
(7) Avoid too much sentimentality over persons or causes.
(8) Resist parental over-possessiveness.
(9) Check first signs of jealousy.
(10) Resist feeling of depression. Laugh at yourself.
(11) Train your emotions as you would your will.
(12) Learn to check your tongue when you are angry.
If this looks like a superhuman task it is not so difficult if you
keep in mind that control of emotions does not mean suppression.
Control of emotions means direction into channels that are
founded on reality and bring material and spiritual satisfactions to
you. Victory over self is achieved with great effort! It may spell the
difference between happiness and unhappiness here and
hereafter.
Anyone who plans marriage ought to make certain that he or she is
emotionally mature and that the mate is also grown up emotionally,
for without this maturity such a marriage is certain to be unhappy
if not doomed to failure.
No wise young man will consider marriage until he has spent at
least two years working at his chosen trade, profession, or position.
So important is the matter of the choice of a mate that prayer for
guidance and enlightenment is most essential. An old Russian
proverb runs like this:
Before embarking on a journey, pray once;
Before leaving for war, pray twice;
Before you marry, pray three times.
And His Holiness Pope Pius XI, in his Encyclical letter "On
Marriage," warns suitors in these words:
"To the proximate preparation of a good married life belongs very
specially the care in choosing a partner; on that depends a great
deal whether the forthcoming marriage will be happy or not, since
one may be to the other either a great help in leading a Christian
life, or on the other hand, a great danger and hindrance. And, so
that they will not deplore for the rest of their lives the sorrows
arising from an indiscreet marriage, those about to enter into
wedlock should carefully deliberate in choosing the person with
whom henceforward they must live continually. They should in so
deliberating keep before their minds the thought first of God and
of the true religion of Christ, then of themselves, of their partner,
of the children to come, as also of home and civil society, for
which wedlock is as a fountain head. Let them diligently pray for
Divine help, so that they will make their choice in accordance with
Christian prudence, not indeed led by the blind and unchecked
impulse of lust, nor by any desire of riches or other base influence,
but by a true and noble love and by a sincere affection towards the
future partner; and then let them strive in their married life toward
those ends for which this state was constituted by God."
+ Parental counsel
Before thinking of engagement, be sure to consult your parents
regarding your choice. Here, again, the wisdom of Pope Pius XI is
evidenced in his words addressed to young men and women as
follows:
"Let them not fail to ask the prudent advice of their parents with
regard to the partner and let them regard this advice in no light
manner, in order that by their mature knowledge and experience of
human affairs they may guard against a baneful mistake, and on
the threshold of matrimony may receive more abundantly the
Divine blessing, the Commandment: "Honor thy father and thy
mother," which is the first Commandment with a promise, "that it
may be well with thee and thou mayest be long-lived upon the
earth."
I can't imagine a worse insult to one's parents than to become
engaged, much less married, without consulting them. It is
something that will bother conscience as long as one lives.
Not only should your parents be consulted, but also your pastor or
confessor. Many a broken home or heart or both might have been
avoided if the spiritual father had been asked as to the wisdom of
the choice of mate in life and the choice of the life partner. And
don't wait until you go in to have the banns announced. Call on the
pastor or confessor before you become engaged.
+ A proper period of engagement
What do we understand by engagement? An engagement is simply
a mutual promise to marry. Its purpose is to permit the parties to
get to know one another better and to test the depth and the
sincerity of the mutual affection and love. As regards the length of
the engagement, from six months to a year is reasonable and
desirable.
The period of engagement is in no way to be considered a license
for dangerous and/or impure love-making. Bear this in mind:
(1) All actions performed for the purpose of promoting or
stimulating venereal pleasure are mortal sins.
(2) All directly venereal actions are mortal sins.
(3) All actions involving the proximate danger of performing
directly venereal actions or of consenting to venereal pleasure are
mortal sins.
(4) Indirectly venereal actions performed without a relatively
sufficient reason are venial sins.
Now, regarding kissing and embracing the general rule is as
follows: If they are indulged in from impure motives or if
immodest intimacy is involved or if there is proximate danger of
something seriously sinful happening, such kissing is mortally
sinful.
During the period of engagement do not make the mistake of
building your love on lust. Lust and love are two different things
Sex indulgence before marriage, in place of giving pleasure, can be
most bitter and disillusioning.
+ Mixed Marriages
In spite of the frequent warnings of the Church against mixed
marriages, they continue to take place, and while some turn out
well, the vast majority are doomed to failure. Never, in my twenty
years experience in the ministry, have I interviewed young people
of different religious beliefs who wanted to marry, without hearing
the old refrain: "But Father, our case is different. We have reached
a complete understanding about religion. We have decided never
to permit religion to interfere with our lives." And my answer is
always the same. "Whether you like it or not, religion will interfere
with your life It is too important, much too important, to be
relegated to the background of life." The proof that difference of
religion in marriage does interfere is demonstrated by the fact that
it is one of the great causes of separations and divorce today.
+ Matrimony As A Sacrament
Pope Pius XI, in his famous Encyclical letter "Casti Connubii,"
already referred to, expresses the benefits of the sacrament of
matrimony in the following terms:
(1) Husband and wife possess a positive guarantee of the
endurance of the marriage bond.
(2) They are provided with a strong bulwark of chastity against the
incitements to infidelity, should they arise.
(3) They are freed from anxiety lest in advanced years the partner
prove unfaithful.
(4) The human dignity of man and woman is maintained.
(5) Mutual aid is assured.
(6) It perfects natural love, confirms the indissoluble union and
sanctifies both man and wife.
(7) Christian marriage opens a treasure of sacramental grace from
which is drawn the supernatural power of fulfilling the rights and
duties of married life faith fully, holily, perseveringly till death.
(8) In addition to sanctifying grace, the sacrament bestows
particular gifts, dispositions, seeds of grace, by which the natural
powers are elevated and perfected.
(9) It assists the parties in understanding and knowing intimately,
in adhering to firmly, in willing effectively, and in successfully
putting into practice those things which appertain to the married
state, its aims and duties.
Little wonder then that Dr. Paul Popenoe, director general of the
American Institute of Family Relations, and author of "Marriage,
Before and After," could say: "Those who consider marriage a
sacrament are naturally more disposed to turn it into success than
are those who look on it as merely a ninety-day option." Remember
that, before you choose a mate who does not or will not hold that
marriage is a sacrament.
+ Preparation, Banns, Impediments
It is strongly advised that those who plan to marry ought to
approach the girl's pastor a good month or more in advance of the
date set for the wedding. In case of mixed marriages, the Catholic's
pastor is the one to be consulted. It is important, and it will save
time, if on that initial visit you bring certain essential documents.
Catholics planning marriage should surrender to the priest on their
first visit:
(1) A recent copy of your baptismal certificate
(2) Your First Communion certificate
(3) Your Confirmation certificate
(4) And in the case of a man a Letter of Freedom from his own
pastor, stating that to the best of his knowledge he is free to
marry.
In the case of a non-Catholic who plans a mixed marriage a
baptismal certificate should be brought along as well as a letter
from some well-known person, stating his belief as to the freedom
to marry of the subject.
In any case, and especially where a mixed marriage is planned, we
cannot overstress the importance of calling on the girl's pastor one
month or more in advance of the date chosen for the marriage,
since some dioceses demand that the non-Catholic take six
instructions before the wedding.
Unless a special dispensation from publication of banns is
requested and obtained in writing from the Bishop, three Sundays
or two Sundays and an intervening Holy Day must be allowed for
the publication of the names of the two Catholic parties at the
principal masses in the parish church of both persons concerned.
In the matter of mixed marriages the banns are not announced, but
instead, the regular application for a dispensation for such a
marriage must be made in writing to the Bishop. Attached to this
application must be the signed promises already spoken of on
page 84 (see Form of Promises). Let us look at the matter of
impediments and dispensations--a dispensation meaning a
relaxation of law in a particular case.
Ever conscious of her obligation to safeguard the great sacrament
of marriage, the Church places certain restrictions around the
sacred contract and enacts laws concerning it. Pope Leo XIII made
this quite clear in his Encyclical letter "Arcanum," when he said:
"Therefore when Christ bestowed marriage to the care of the
Church, He entrusted and recommended the whole discipline of
marriage to her. Concerning the sacrament, the Church alone can
and should determine and prescribe."
The Church teaches that there are certain conditions which
because of their nature make it impossible for persons to contract
a marriage. Such conditions are called invalidating impediments.
There are also conditions which make it unlawful to contract a
marriage, but which do not actually prevent a real marriage from
taking place. These are called forbidding impediments. Some
invalidating impediments are clear from the Natural and Divine
Law. Some are specified by the Church, which has been given
authority over society by Christ. These latter are called
impediments of Ecclesiastical Law.
The chief impediments which invalidate marriage are the
following:
Blood relationship in the direct line, i.e., father and daughter,
grandfather and granddaughter, etc.
Blood relationship in the collateral line, i.e., brothers and sisters,
first and second cousins.
Spiritual relationship, such as sponsors at baptism and the person
baptized.
Affinity, i.e., relationship arising out of marriage. One cannot
marry the blood relation of his partner in marriage except beyond
the second degree.
Solemn vows taken in Sacred and Religious Orders.
Disparity of religion, i.e., marriage of a baptized Catholic with a
non-baptized party.
Crime, i.e., adultery with the promise of marriage.
Violence or compulsion by grave fear amounting to violence.
Error regarding a person's identity or error substantially equal to
that.
Impotency, i.e., incapacity to have marriage relations. This must
be perpetual and antecede the marriage.
The following are forbidding impediments:
Simple vows of chastity.
Marriage with baptized non-Catholics.
By the same power which the Church has over society in virtue of
which she can place an impediment to marriage, she can also
dispense from these impediments which she has established in
particular cases. Thus the Church may dispense and permit the
marriage of a baptized person with one not baptized, or without
the publication of banns. But as regards impediments contained in
the Natural Law or the Commandments of God, the Church has no
power of dispensation. The Church cannot dispense a person who
is already married from the obligations of his or her marriage and
permit remarriage.
The parties themselves, their parents, relatives, or friends are
bound to make known to the priest the existence of any of the
above-listed impediments.
In the case of a mixed marriage it is important for the nonCatholic
party to state whether or not he or she has ever been baptized and
if not, to freely admit it. If the non-Catholic has been baptized, the
priest will apply for a dispensation for "mixed religion"; and in the
case of non-baptism, he will apply for a dispensation covering
"disparity of cult."
It may occur to some that the Church acts very arbitrarily in the
matter of declaring the attempted marriage of a Catholic to a non-
Catholic before a justice of the peace or a minister as invalid,
while holding that the marriage of two non-Catholics under the
same conditions is valid and binding.
The Third Council of Baltimore declared: "The Church ... has always
been against marriages of Catholics and non-Catholics both on
account of the disgrace to the divine communion and on account
of the most grave danger of perversion of the Catholic party and of
the evil institutions for raising the children."
+ Proper End Of Matrimony
The primary end of matrimony is the procreation and education of
children, and its secondary ends are mutual assistance and comfort
of the parties, together with allaying of concupiscence. Anyone who
makes use of marriage for any other ends is headed for disaster.
Therein lies the secret of the vast majority of marriage breakups today.
Examine carefully the word matrimony. It comes from two Latin
words, matris munus, meaning the "office of mother," and it
implies that the man and woman are united principally that the
woman, if possible, may have the privilege of lawful motherhood.
For anyone to enter matrimony with any other intention is to act
fraudulently.
Is it not thought-provoking that the first command God ever gave
to human beings was addressed to a man and his wife, phrased
simply in these words: "Increase and multiply, and fill the earth."
And never once in all the ages that followed has that command
ever been modified or changed.
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