Because it is impossible
to prove that something does not exist, here is your big
chance to prove to the whole world, the
entire planet, that your beliefs
are real and true. Just have a go at one of the proofs
below and change the minds of non-believers everywhere.
Copy the rules and application form, fill in the form and
email it back to me. Have the best of luck and enjoy your
attempt.
Here are the rules of
the competition (hereby known as ‘The Rules’)
–
1. No theological
argument please. Argument is not proof.
2. The word ‘God’
will be taken to mean the god of Christianity, the Muslim
god, Satan, any ancient Roman god(s), Odin, Zeus, Osiris
or any other Divine being. Invisible, five hundred-foot
high purple beavers with halos’ will be considered
as divine beings. But not by me.
3. The Bible/Koran/Book
of Mormon etc cannot be taken as proof. Biased humans
wrote them.
4. (Proof 1) A divine
miracle will be constituted as proof. BUT, it must be
sufficiently convincing. Examples could be a) a brand new
planet appearing from nowhere between the orbits of Earth
and Mars with the words ‘THIS IS PROOF’ written
in words 1000 miles high on its surface. Or b) everyone
on Earth suddenly, and permanently, starts to speak the
same language. Swahili would be a good one. Applicants to
this proof must predict the miracle, and attest to the
nature of the miracle, which must be of an agreed ‘sufficient
stature’, one week or less before the miracle will
occur.
5. (Proof 2) The correct
prediction of the end of the World by divine intervention
will be taken as proof, but must be within a sufficiently
reasonable time frame. A mutually agreed time frame can
be negotiated. Global thermo-nuclear conflict and natural
catastrophes are not proof.
6. (Proof 3) Successful
execution of the drinking thing in Mark 16:18 will be
taken as proof. Subject to the following: The drink will
consist of the these ingredients – half a pint of
concentrated paraquat mixed with 2 ounces of uncut
Colombian ‘grade A’ powdered cocaine, 2 ounces
of Strontium 90 and half a cup of botulism with rainbow
coloured hemlock and anthrax sprinkles. Mmm, nice. If
desired, the aforementioned concoction may be washed down
with a bottle of Sainsbury’s lemon fresh bleach or a
pint of liquid nitrogen. If the applicant suffers no ill
effects whatsoever and is still alive after one week
without seeking medical assistance; this will be taken as
proof of the existence of a divine being. Applicants to
this proof must pre-sign a witnessed waiver of
responsibility attesting to the fact they took the test
of their own accord without coercion.
7. (Proof 4) Answer to
prayer will be taken as proof. The test for ‘answer
to prayer’ will take the following form. Applicants
will arrange for a believer to jump off any sufficiently
high building on to a solid concrete or tarmac surface
without the aid of parachutes/hang-gliders/ropes/jet-powered-Nikes’
etc. A twenty floor high structure seems about right, but
a mutually agreed structure and landing site can be
agreed beforehand. As many believers as required will
start to pray for the ‘jumpees’ safety at the
beginning of the test and if the ‘jumpee’
floats to the landing surface without any injury
whatsoever this will be taken as proof of a divine being
answering prayer. Again, applicant ‘jumpees’ to
this proof must pre-sign a witnessed waiver of
responsibility attesting to the fact they took the test
of their own accord without coercion.
8. (Proof 5)
Resurrection of the certifiably dead will be taken as
proof. Applicant cadavers will have ceased to be alive
and buried for a period of at least one-year before the
test. A valid proof of burial, death certificate and the
responsibility of application for any exhumation rests
with the applicant cadavers’ sponsors. Applicant
cadavers will be clinically examined to confirm their
inanimate status to prior to commencement of Proof 5.
Contestant corpses will be seen to ‘come to life’
in an animated fashion, communicate coherently and offer
a brief description of their afterlife within 15 minutes
of exhumation to constitute proof of resurrection. A
strategically placed clinical thermometer will be used to
confirm the normal body temperature of the resurectee.
Zombies will not be allowed. The successful applicant
resurectee will be available for television, radio and
Internet interviews for one year.
9. (Proof 6) The
verifiable prediction and appearance of any verifiable
god or gods to all humanity will be taken as proof. The
prediction of any god or gods must take place within one
week prior to that gods’ appearance. The efficacy of
the god or gods will be proved thus: the god or gods will
make everything in the universe a nice shade of pale blue
for a full twenty-four hours, without ill effect. No
other colours will be considered.
10. Speaking in ‘tongues’
is proof of a charlatan’s idiocy.
11. Crop circles are
proof of student pranks.
12. The Turin shroud is
proof of a 14th century medieval hoaxer.
13. Messages though
mediums are proof of human gullibility.
14. Unsuccessful
applicants (if still alive) will proclaim via as many
forms of communication as is deemed necessary that a) pre-proof
attempt they were true believers and b) post-proof
attempt that they now know that any divine being is an
unverifiable load of old hocus-pocus.
15. Unsuccessful
applicants of 6 and 7 (above) are invited to apply for 8
(above) after one year.
16. Successful
applicants will be invited to hand over all their money,
possessions etc to this writer. (See Luke 6:30 and Matt 5:42)