Amazing
new discovery!
Dateline: 19th
August 2000
Evangelical,
Creationist, Charismatic Christian Scientists from North
America have discovered, and
conclusively interpreted biblical verses which outline
God-given instructions for Christians on how to correctly
perform a 'daily, personal solid waste expulsion'. Please
see Deuteronomy 23:13 for details. It has now been
agreed by the international christian religious hierarchy
that to disobey "these specific Biblical
instructions, directly handed down by God Almighty
Himself" would be "a deliberate act of heresy".
Christian
leaders, Cardinals, Bishops, priests and vicars planet-wide
are now urging their congregations to follow the newly
discovered words of God "to the letter". An
"extraordinary conclave" of five-hundred
International Cardinals and Archbishops has been convened
in Rome to formulate special instructions applicable to
the World-wide Catholic community. There will also be
appropriate instructions for those Catholics who are bed-ridden,
on an aircraft, exploring the Arctic etc., they are said
to be issuing the new 'Holy Edict of Mass Evacuation'
possibly soon after June 2006, whilst advocating complete
abstinence until it is made public.
A
representative speaking on behalf of Pope John Paul II
said "We have issued all the Vatican staff with new
engraved silver shovels, because for the moment they
alone will have Papal dispensation. The paving slabs just
outside of the Sistine Chapel have been removed down to
the soft topsoil level, and visitors will be requested to
look away at the appropriate moment. The Pontiff has
charged Vatican scholars with finding the associated
biblical passages that deal with post-evacuation personal
hygene, but until that time we are expected to follow Our
Lord's Holy Scripture exactly as it is written. It has
been decided, for obvious reasons, that the Vatican food
and beverage facilities will no longer be serving any
curry spicier than a korma, bran based breakfast cereals,
mushy peas, stewed prunes and custard, American beer or
any form of Mexican food. "
"Wherefore
my bowels shall sound like an harp..." - Isaiah 16:11
"My
Bowels, my bowels!" - Jeremiah 4:19
"...refresh
my bowels in the Lord." Philemon 1:20