Creative Ways to get rid of a Boyfriend or Girlfriend

How to get rid of a boyfriend or girlfriend

1. Start to retain all your body waste and nail clippings in mason jars. Proudly show them off to any visitors.
2. Start making disconcerting noises filled with sexual desire and tension whenever the camera pans to Paul Schafer on "Late Night."
3. Get "accidentally" caught on the boardwalk wearing a latex glove and a sign that reads "I'll guess your body temperature for $1."
4. The next time you go to bed, wrap aluminum foil around your feet and tell them you want to play "antenna."
5. Spend a lot of time alone with household pet at family gatherings. Lock doors.
6. Make a play for her father.
7. Leave copies of Lorena Bobbitt's "how-to" book lying about. Frequently recite procedures in great detail.
8. Drink large quantities of fluid prior to very important social gatherings. Wet pants and drool.
9. Two words: hollow points.
10. "Don't worry dear, those scabs'll clear right up after a while."
11. Invite your police officer friend over. When you see him approaching the house, flee out the back door screaming, "You'll never take me alive copper!"
12. Introduce her to your mother-in-law.
13. Allow your unwanted mate to find you thrashing about with shaved chickens in a lame dog pile orgy of pimpled flesh, distended rectums, and surgery scars. Act startled, leap to your feet and say, "honey! I'm so glad you're here!" while offering up a gummy bear motorized butt-plug smeared with astro glide.
14. Shower her with constant praise, hang on her every word, listen to her every utterance, console her constantly, go wherever she wants to go, give up Sunday NFL games, be absorbed with each and every detail of her work day. Pretty soon she'll get suspicious and ditch you.
15. Expose yourself to her Parish Priest. For increased effectiveness, wait until a Christmas Mass is underway.
16. Often comment, "You gotta admit, O.J. had a point."
17. Say "I Love You."
18. While listening to an oldies station that's playing the song "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do," laugh like a madman and announce, "Honey, they're playing our song!"
19. Explain that your pet Fifi is feeling neglected since you've started dating.
20. Ask if she can play some minor role in your love-making.
21. Ask, "did you hear about that guy who married a girl, and then--three years later--found out his wife was really a guy?! Well be thankful it hasn't been three years! Otherwise you'd look like a bigger jackass than him!"
22. "Man, and I thought your sister was the only one that could do that!"
23. Buy bras, panties, and a box of tampons. Leave them casually lying around your place. When your girlfriend starts accusing you of a entertaining another woman, exclaim, "They don't belong to another woman! They're mine!"
24. Occasionally scream, "Jeez! This genital rash is really starting to itch!" Then frantically lift toilet seat and dunk bottom into water.
25. One very simple poem...
    Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Garbage is dumped, And so are you...
    
26. Get "accidentally" caught on the boardwalk wearing a latex glove and a sign that reads "I'll guess your body temperature for $1."