Why Cucumbers are Better than Men
Cucumbers are better than a man because...
  1. Cucumbers stay hard for a week
  2. A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
  3. Cucumbers don't get too excited
  4. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
  5. Cucumbers are easy to pick up
  6. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home
  7. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
  8. no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
  9. cucumbers can get away any weekend
  10. with a cucumber you can get a single room... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
  11. a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
  12. you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
  13. at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
  14. a cucumber can always wait until you get home
  15. a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
  16. a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
  17. a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
  18. cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
  19. cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
  20. cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
  21. with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
  22. cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
  23. cucumbers don't have sex hangups
  24. cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on
  25. cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
  26. you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
  27. cucumbers never need a round of applause
  28. cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?
  29. cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
  30. a cucumber won't want to join your support group
  31. a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
  32. cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
  33. cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
  34. a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
  35. a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
  36. no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
  37. cucumbers can handle rejection
  38. a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
  39. a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
  40. a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
  41. with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
  42. cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
  43. cucumbers won't give you a hickey
  44. cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
  45. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends say, "I'll call you a cab." tell you he's not the marrying kind tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist take you to confession
  46. cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
  47. a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
  48. cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
  49. a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
  50. a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
  51. a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
  52. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
  53. cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
  54. a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
  55. a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
  56. cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
  57. a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
  58. cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
  59. cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
  60. a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
  61. a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
  62. with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
  63. a cucumber won't leave you: for another woman for another man for another cucumber
  64. a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him
  65. a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
  66. you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
  67. you won't find out later that your cucumber: is married is on penicillin or have AIDS likes you, but loves your brother
  68. a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
  69. cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
  70. a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
  71. cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
  72. cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
  73. a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
  74. you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
  75. a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
  76. a cucumber won't take you to a club and dump you for a flashy blonde
  77. cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
  78. a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
  79. a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
  80. a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
  81. cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
  82. a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
  83. a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
  84. it's easy to drop a cucumber

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