GOING TO THE TOILET ON A COACH

1. Realise that it might be worthwhile braving the terrors of the toilet rather than waiting till you get there.

2. Look behind you and see toilet. It might not be that bad .....

3. Stand up, pulling the hair of the person in front of you by mistake as you grab their seat for support.

4. Apologise to person in front of you for pulling their hair.

5. Decide you can wait until you get there, and sit back down again.

6. Look behind you again and see toilet is still there. Decide you really need to go.

7. Stand up again, pulling the hair of the person in front of you by mistake again as you grab their seat for support again.

8. Apologise to person in front of you for making a habit of pulling their hair.

9. Get into aisle.

10. Nearly fall on ass as coach undergoes sudden change in velocity.

(F) 11. Note everyone's eyes fixed on you.

12. Walk to toilet compartment.

13. Nearly fall in other direction as coach reverses earlier sudden change in velocity equally abruptly.

14. Open door and enter dark compartment.

15. Grope around for lightswitch cord.

16. Open door to let light in to see switch cord.

17. Turn on light, close and lock door.

(F) 18. Imagine what everyone is thinking now they can see the red light on outside the door.

19. Lift toilet lid and wonder about the meaning of the name `Thetford Electra Magic.'

(F) 20. Lower trousers and knickers.

(F) 21. Realise there isn't room to turn around.

(F) 22. Pull up trousers, letting knickers pull themselves up.

(F) 23. Unlock and open door. Leave cubicle.

(F) 24. Note all eyes fixed on you as you back into the cubicle.

(F) 25. Lower trousers and knickers.

(F) 26. Squat down so ass is just a few centimetres above toilet bowl.

(M) 27. Unzip flies cautiously. Note distinct lack of anything to hold onto.

28. Realise that your ability to hold it in is now outweighing the desire to force it out.

29. Coach undergoes a further abrupt change in velocity.

(F) 30. Worry about ass touching seat.

(M) 31. Worry about where it would have gone if you had actually been peeing at the time.

(M) 32. Wonder whether it might be a better idea to sit down?

(M) 33. Quick mental calculation of trajectories shows it would probably go over the front and on the floor.

(M) 34. Examination of space available shows it would be impossible to turn around without leaving cubicle.

(M) 35. Draw conclusion that it is probably best to stick with standing up.

36. Pee still not forthcoming.

(F) 37. Wonder how to disguise the sound so nobody will hear you?

38. Intense mental effort and a further change in the coach's motion trigger off a dribble from the relevant area.

39. Coach rocks violently in mid-stream and pee goes everywhere.

(M) 40. That includes all over your shoes.

(F) 41. That includes down into your trousers.

(F) 42. Panic because your ass touched the seat.

43. Notice you seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to perform such a simple function.

44. Finished. About time too, it's getting very stuffy in here.

(F) 45. Stand up shakily.

(F) 46. Pull up knickers and trousers.

47. Wash hands in the ridiculously small sink.

48. Open door and leave cubicle.

(M) 49. Fasten flies and smile weakly.

(F) 50. Notice all eyes fixed on you.

51. See red light is still on, meaning light is still on in cubicle.

52. Open cubicle and turn off light.

53. Walk back towards seat.

54. Coach lurches AGAIN. You actually fall over this time.

55. Sit down in seat.

56. Feel you still need to go ....................................