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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 51. An elderly couple An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!" 52. Salesman A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? "Yes", I was a salesman in the country", said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up". The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser" The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No" answered the salesman. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may as well go fishing". 53. A sign of God A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police." 54. Girl from Texas A Texan walked into a whorehouse in Anchorage and asked, "Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?" "Sure do," said the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered it, he asked "Are you Arlene from Texas?" "I sure am," she replied. "Well, I got two hundred dollars," he proudly said. The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and drug him into the room. After they had thrashed around on the mattress for a half an hour, the Texan got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Sure," Arlene said, "I'll be here."
The next night, the Texan comes back and goes up to Room 6.
Another two hundred dollars, another hour of
horizontal aerobics. When they were done, the Texan was
sitting on the side of the bed and asks, "Will you be here
tomorrow night?"
The next night, the Texan comes back again. Same thing: two
hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they
were done, they were both sitting on the edge of the bed. 55. Mr. Jones One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!!" 56. Blind date A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. 57. The hippie and the nun A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!" 58. The dog One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!" 59. The case of the missing cow A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand." The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!" 60. Cars vs. Computers When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day? |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands