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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 111. The new Priest A new Priest was very nervous before his first sermon so he asked the Monsignor waht he could do to relax. The Monsignor said : "Put some vodka in the water pitcher : After a few sips everything should go great." The Priest put the suggetion into practica and proceeded to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, after returning to the Rectory he found a note from the Monsignor; it read :
1.) Sip, don't gulp. 112. Hearing problem An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!" 113. Turtle soup A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea" 114. Fishing Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?" 115. mosquitoes Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!" 116. A young businessman A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" 117. Travel Agent A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer". He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with? 118. Bear Tales Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" 119. Jungle joke A army of ants were marching along in the jungle when they saw an elephant stepping on a fellow ant. They decided that they must do something about it and picked a volunteer. The volunteer (let's call him Max) ran to the elephant and started climbing up his left front leg. After a while, Max called on his fellow ants to enquire about his position. They yelled at him and told him to climb further, for he was only at the knee now. After a few more minutes of climbing, he again asked his fellow ants about his position, and they told him that he was almost on the elephant's shoulder. He climbed higher and higher and after a long while, he looked down at the other ants who where getting very excited now. They were waving at him as he reached the neck when the leader yelled:" OK MAX, NOW CHOKE HIM!". 120. School Little Johnny is sitting in class one day and the school inspector walks in for the teachers first inspection. She is very nervous and decides to go through the alphabet with the children. She asks for a word with the letter "A". Johnny's hand is up first but she knows Johnny swears a lot so she ask Susan. Susan replies "Apple, miss". "Very good", says the teacher, "What about 'B' ?". Johnny's hand is up first but she asks Mary instead. "Banana, miss" says Mary. "Very good", say the teacher. This carries on until the teacher gets to 'G'. Johnny's hand is the only one up and the inspector, who noticed how eager Johnny is, is looking at the teacher with a quizzical expression on his face. She can't think of a swear word with 'G' so she asks Johnny. "Gnomes, miss" says Johnny. "Very good Johnny", says the teacher, "and what are gnomes?" Johnny says "They are the little bastards who run around at the bottom of the garden fucking the fairies"..... |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands