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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 181. If Microsoft built cars 1. A model year wouldn't be available until AFTER that calendar year. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 6. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm). What if people bought cars like they bought computers?
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" 182. A toast! at a gathering of US governers, the New Yorker stood up and made a toast:
Here's the the American Eagle... more toasts followed, then it came the Texian's turn to toast:
Here's to the State of Texas... 183. Drinks are on me... woman walks into a bar... anyway, she sits down and orders a drink. the bartender sets the bottle of scotch on the bar after pouring her a tall one, then turns to another customer. the woman suddenly hears a hushed whisper: "hey baby...wanna party?" she turns to look behind her and nobody there. nobody anywhere around her, even, except her glass and the fifth of scotch on the bar next to her. she shrugs and blows it off thinking she must of imagined it. then she hears it again: "hey baby...let's get it on!". this time she is SURE she hear it, so she looks wildly back and forth and all around. seeing her sudden movements, the bartender walks over and tells her: "don't worry, miss, that's just the booze talkin". three vampires walk into a bar... bartender asks the first one "what'll ya have?" first vampire says: "I vant some bluud". disgusted, the bartender looks at the next vampire and says, "what about you"? second vampire says "I vant some bluud". ready to throw them all out, the bartender looks at the third vampire and says: "i suppose you want blood too?" third vampire says: "no, i'll just have plasma...bluud lite" 184. A ventriloquist cowboy A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" 185. A deaf mute A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." 186. Two prostitutes Two prostitutes were walking the boulevard talking about "business" when a police car went screaming by them with its sirens going and lights flashing. After it had passed, one hooker turned to the other and asked "Hey, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No", the other replied, "but I've been swung around by my tits once or twice..." 187. TIP OF THE DAY Before you get involved in a romantic relationship, get out and buy a medium-sized bottle of tabasco sauce. Every time you're staring at your burger or taco, reflecting on the great sex (and intimacy!) you just had, sprinkle a few drops on your meal. After the first few months, you'll find yourself thinking, "Boy oh boy, we sure are going through a lot of tabasco sauce..." Then you'll notice the depletion level subsiding. Eventually the bottle is about two-thirds empty. Sure, you keep putting it out there on the table, but sort of as a courtesy, and neither of you reach for it except to read the label and mutter something like, "Hmmm tabasco company, New Iberia, Louisiana. I wonder if that's anywhere near New Orleans..." 188. A baby was born A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am." The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said. He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!" 189. A farmer A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn." 190. In a bar Buncha guys sitting around a bar, drinking. One guy says to the guy next to him..."you know, i bet i can jump off this six story building we're in and land on a cloud without falling thru". The second guy says "bullshit...that's impossible." they dared each other a while, then the second guy (and alot of others sitting around listening), says "ok..prove it, bigmouth!". So the two guys and some spectators all make their way up to the roof. The first guy who was boasting, stands on the edge of the building and looks back, then leaps off. sure enough...he lands on a low cloud and just sits there without falling thru! everyone gasped in amazement. The second guy said..."well, if he can do it...*I* can do it!" and with that, the second guy stood on the ledge, then leaped to the cloud next to the one the first guy was sitting on. However, the second guy fell right thru and took a header on the pavement six stories below. After jumping back to the roof, the first guy headed back to the bar for more drinking, and as he ordered his next beer, the bartender said: "you know, Superman, you can be a real asshole sometimes!". |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands