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| 371. Cannibals... Two cannibals sat beside a large fire, after eating the best meal they'd had in ages. "Your wife sure makes a good roast." commented the first cannibal. "Yeah," replied the second. "I'm really going to miss her..." 372. Diesel Fitter Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went tothe unemplyoment office. Asked his occupation,the first guy said, "Panty sticher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up pantysticher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter, " he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job, the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: Panty stichers were unskilled and diesel fitters skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled the panty sticher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and say, 'yep, diesel fitter'. " 373. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? - A dictator! 374. Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: ACTIVE SOCIALLY: ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: QUICK THINKING: TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: A KEEN ANALYST: NOT A DESK PERSON: EXPRESSES SELF WELL: SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: HARD WORKER: ENJOYS JOB: HAPPY: WELL ORGANIZED: COMPETENT: CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: SHOULD GO FAR: USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: VERY CREATIVE: USES RESOURSES WELL: DESERVES PROMOTION: 375.A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. The shrink drew a circle on a piece of paper and then asked the patient. "What does this remind you of?" The patient answered. "Sex". The shrink drew a square. "What does this remind you of?" "Sex". The patient replied. Then the doctor drew a triangle. "It reminds me of sex". The patient stated. "You seem to be obsessed with sex". The shrink told the patient. "I'm obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!" 376. Bad and very bad news
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. 377. headaches This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!" 378. Problem with getting up Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" 379. Second opinion A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." 380. Good and bad news Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. |
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