KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

A man walks in to the country store and asks the clerk for a package of condoms. The clerk asks "what size are you"? "I dunno" replies the man. Well the clerk tells him to go out back where there is a ply-wood fence with numbered holes in it. He is told to stick it in various holes to determine his size. Well, this big 'ol fat girl sees the man heading out back and runs around behind the fence. As soon as the man sticks it thru the hole, the fat girl picks up her moo-moo and backs up to the fence.

A while later the man returns and the clerk asks him "Well, what size will it be"? "Ah, forget them" the man replies, "I'll just take 3 sheets of that ply-wood"!!

If 99.9% is good enough then....

12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour

2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year

2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers

Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day

315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year

5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly

3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections

A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

The Story Of Little Dumpy.

Daar woeseroes a little boy, wo was so little, that everyone gave him the byname of Little Dumpy. He had six brothertjes and six sistertjes. His father was a woodhacker and his mother was working in the hoesholding. On a given day the father said; "I hold it no longer out, I work myself the blubber". "What are you going to do now ?" mother said. "Well", the father said, "tomorrow I bring the hole bubs into the wood and when they are very genoegh I let them in the steek". But Little Dumpy, very good by the time and heartsticke pienter, had heard everything. At night he had two sneets of bread and he slipped out of the bed. He went to the tuinpath and propped his tucks full of kaiselstones. The next morning the father bracht the childeren into the wood. And by every step, Little Dumpy let fallen a kaiselstone. When they are ver genoegh in the wood the father let them in the steek. But Little Dumpy said to his brothertjes and sis- tertjes, "Kelm on, kelm on, doenot kraai. I bring you heelhouds beck". And via his kaiselstones they came home. The father was just sitting on the play as he heard the doorbel clingel. There was the hole bubs again. The next morning the father did thezelfde. But Dumpy had no time to pick up kaiselstones, so he did it with a packy volkoren King Corn (het only you smite away is the verpacking). When the olders let them in the steek again, Little Dumpy said opnew, "Kelm on, kelm on, I bring you heelhouds back just like gister". But he could not find the way because one verreckte mushes had eaten up the bread, the childeren kraai and kraai. Little Dumpy said, "Keep your big waffles schut" ,and he clautert in a tree, looked om his heen and saw a little lightje. It was the light of the house of a big rus, and russen like to eat little childeren up with houd and hair. But as I said, Little Dumpy was very pienter, he packed the seven miles leersen of the big rus and he sjouwed to their home. The father stood by the gardenheckey with a verrelooker and saw the hole bubs com- ing down. And when they not are storven, they live long and happy.

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does.

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says,

"Hello...Mom?"

Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush."

Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

Q: What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like shit, and get more and more rotten each day.

There were this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road one day till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.

Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?"

Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."

Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."

Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you *BOTH* of them"

Jethro: "uhhh...5?"

Billy Joe: "Nope!"

A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes

the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for." Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking

he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.