KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Dave and his mum went to the zoo.
Dave enjoyed watching the ferocious animals but there was something even more interesting here, something that the boy had not seen before ... skunks!
"Mummy, mummy", he said, "I must have a skunk, I must, I must!!!"
"Well ok, my boy, but we'll have to steal one as you can't buy them in the shops."
"But mummy where could we hide it to smuggle it out?", Dave asked curiously.
"Oh that's no problem: I'll hide it down my pants!", his mum said.
"But wot about the smell?", Dave asked.
"Oh that's no problem, if it dies we can always steal another!"

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him *did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts eating. When he's almost finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he puked all the soup back into the dish.
Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got."

Two english gentlemen were sitting by the river Thames, fishing. Suddenly one of them hauled up a beautiful mermaid. The happy man sat with the mermaid on his knee for almost five minutes before he suddenly threw her back into the river.
"But why?" the other gentleman asked in a shocked voice. "But how?" the first one answered.

What screams and can't turn round in corridors?
A baby with a javelin through its neck.

Have you heard about the [IYFEG] who locked his keys in the car?
He thought for an hour how he could get his family out.....

How does the [IYFEG] prepare for a trip in ALASKA?
"Remember to pack a six-pack in case I have to leave a message in the snow!"

How do you make a Belgian spill his pint?
Ask him the time.

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.

Music Education

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

And there there were these three nuns, who died and went to heaven, like true nuns do. Being in heaven, they are rewarded by the High one, for the fulfilling of their holy duties.
Their reward is being someone they choose, for three weeks. The first nun Chooses to be Marilyn Monroe, for, as the nun explains, Marilyn was considered the Goddess of love.
Likewise, the second nun chooses to be Jayne Mansfield, because she was someone who shamelessly enjoyed everything in life.
After listening to the first two nuns, the third considered, and said: "I want to be Sahara Pipelines, because a few weeks before I died, I read in some magazine: `Sahara pipelines laid by 3000 Men'!"

I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus". So I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red you asshole!!!!" got back in the car and drove off through the light which had just turned green.

Young and fresh husband said to his newlywed wife:
I feel like being in paradise with you...
... because we have no clothes to wear and the LandLord wants to kick us out!