KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A Gynecolgist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%, so he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.

Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, `what the heck, it`s only one night` and share the bed.

The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off." The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"

The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn`t have that dream. I thought I was skiing."

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to piss."

The eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there on the pot and grunt and groan for an hour and a half before I can finally take a shit."

The ninety year old man says, "You think you got problems? At seven I piss like a racehorse, at eight I shit like a cow.

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't even wake up until nine!"

Darla and Buckwheat were sitting in English class when the teacher says, "Darla, spell the word dictate". Darla stands up and says "D-I-C-T-A-T-E".

The teacher replies, "That's very good Darla. Now, Buckwheat, will you please use that word in a sentence?"

Buckwheat stands up and asks, "Hey Darla how my DICTATE last night?"

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window. Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.
The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away?
You some kind of faggot or something?"
Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday.
The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."
The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll seenext year," says the father. The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply.The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.
On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."
The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.
"What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father.
"Checking for squirrels, Dad," replies the son.

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I`ve seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn`t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn`t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned.

"You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn`t say anything else, but when the old man`s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband`s in fine physical shape but I`m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he`s the one who`s been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh. When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let`s get another opinion.

He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw.

He replied, "Well..... that looks like Billy Joel on her left, and Paul McCartney on her right...... and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle."