| 2091. Animal Jokes (Q and A)
Q. What happens when a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows?
Q. How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Q. Why did God invent armadillos?
Q. What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Q. What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
Q. What goes, "99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump"?
Q. What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Q. Why does a tiger have stripes?
Q. What do you call a cat who does tricks?
Q. AWhat kind of work does a weak cat do?
Q. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Q. Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Q. Why should you walk carefully when it's raining cats and dogs?
Q. Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
Q. What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Q. Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
Q. How do you call a barber cat?
Q. What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?
Q. What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?
Q. What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
Q. What did the monkey say to the woman after making love to her?
Q. What has a hundred balls, and fucks rabbits?
Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Q. What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
Q. What do you call a cow with and abortion?
Q. Where do they get virgin wool?
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
Q. What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Q. What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?
Q. What do you call two skunks doing "69"?
Q. How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose? 2092. New framhand "Now, son," the farmer said to the new farmhand, "are you sure you know just how long cows should be milked?" "Sure," said the hired help. "Just the same as short ones." 2093. Running Every morning an antelope wakes up knowing it has to outrun the fastest cougar or it will be killed. Every morning a cougar wakes up knowing it has to outrun the slowest antelope or it will starve. So, whether you're a cougar or an antelope, when the sun comes up, you'd better hit the ground running. 2094. A little turtle A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted" 2095. Two eagles Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!" 2096. Bird seed
A boy wanders into a pet store and asks for a quarter's worth of bird seed. The clerk smiles at this strange request and asks,
"How many birds do you have?" 2097. The parrot So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK that's it for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts
to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence,
he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, Then the parrot asks, "By the way, what did the chicken do?". 2098. Figured out A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion. Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared. For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, 2099. Friends For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend. "How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?" 2100. Things to do Selected things to do when you run over your neighbor's cat:
(a) Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it. |