KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

...where he is greeted by the gate-keeper. Man says, " wow, I didn't imagine that Heaven would be so beautiful". Gate-keeper replies, " Oh, this is not Heaven, You are in the other place, a bit south. But don't despair, let me tell you about our schedule here.

Do you like to smoke cigars?" The man says, " Well, yes I do!" To which the Gate-keeper cheerfully replies, " Terrific, you will just LOVE Mondays, all the cigars you can smoke, and the best you've ever had, too!"

He continues, "Say, do you enjoy taking a drink of booze?" The man answers with a grin, " Well I have been known to tie one on occasionally." The Gate-keeper joyfully replies, " You are going to LOVE Tuesdays then, all you can drink, and of the best liquor in all the universe! You never get any more intoxicated than you want to be, either, just enjoy!" "Wow", says the man.

The gate-keeper then asks, " Say, are you a homosexual?" "Well, no." answers the deceased fellow. "Oh." replies the Gate-keeper. "Then you're going to HATE Wednesdays!!!"

An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!", and again everybody laughed.

The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said "Well, its like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think its a funny joke they will laugh."

The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.

The Aussie said to the barman "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?" And the barman said "Well, there are two reasons - firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before".

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Three female convicts -- a brunette, a redhead and a blonde -- escaped from a maximum security prison one night. They dashed through the woods toward freedom, but the barking dogs of the prison guards steadily grew closer.
Finally, one of the convicts said to the others, "Quick, we've got to hide in the tree branches." So each climbed up a different tree. The dogs and the guards holding them approached the base of the tree where the brunette was hiding. The brunette, in the top of the tree, thought quickly, opened her mouth and went, "Whoo! Whoo!" One guard said, "It's just an owl; let's move on." The dogs led the guards to the tree where the redhead was hiding 20 feet up. The redhead went, "Caw! Caw!" The guard said, "It's just a crow; lett's move on."
The dogs led the guards to the tree where the blonde was hiding up in the branches. The blonde though for a moment, and then went, "Mooo!"

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife's going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You @&$*!% liar! You went bowling again!!!"

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"

Top Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."

Alligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"
The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same."
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.
Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

A blonde was driving along a country road when she looked out into the field and saw another blonde in a rowboat rowing like crazy.

Totally disgusted with this spectacle she gets out of her car and yells to the other blonde," It's blondes like you that give us a bad reputation!! And if I knew how to swim, I'd come over there and kick your ass!!