KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A much younger woman had married an older man already with children of his own.  For much of Saturday afternoon, one of the kids had been running in and out of the house blowing a whistle, as he pretended to be a policeman directing traffic.

Finally, the new wife had had enuff, and told the boy, "Billy, if you don't stop all that noise, I'll blow your damn whistle for ya !"

The husband looked up from his newspaper and muttered, "See ?  I've been telling ya that you treat the kids better than you do me."

A drunk staggered down the street and up the church steps. He managed to open the door and enter the silent building. On his hands and knees he struggled to the front of the church and finally made it into the confessional box.

Having observed the drunk's progress the priest sat silently in the booth, waiting for the drunk to speak. He waited for several minutes, hearing the drunk moan and groan, until finally there was a lengthy silence from the drunk's side of the confessional. At last the priest spoke. "May I help you my son?" he said.

"I don't know," the drunk replied. "It depends on whether or not you've got any paper on your side."

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid Jewish man in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.

"I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later, looking at his watch, he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.

Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers. "I know!!!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is screaming in total delight and completely *satisfied*.

"That should do it,"  he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his face.  He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE... sitting on the toilet!!!

"What are you doing in here?" he impatiently screams.

"SSShhhhhh!" she says, "You'll wake your mother!!!!!" "I let her sleep in our bed tonight!"

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

Two friends, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

Jimmy:  "How did you get here?"

Johnny: "Hypothermia.  You?"

Jimmy:  "You won't believe it.  I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy.  I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck.  Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."

Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and disfigured.

"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his underwear his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!

A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds the lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing: "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"