KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

(However, as the credibility of the testimony became increasingly associated with the weight and size of the organs on which the testimony was based, the Senate in the third century AD, passed a law that introduced a standard size Bible as the medium to swear on. And this is how Christianity came to pass).

I tried it on Mrs. MM the other day. She found a nick on her car and accused me of being responsible. "Moi?", I said, "I swear on my testicles, I didn't do it." And she replied: "That doesn't carry much weight."

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place.
Why is that?"

God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment. "That's not Shanahan 's house," God says "That's my house."

10) You get a great understanding of Domestic Affairs

9) White House Mess takes on whole new meaning

8) Pay is lousy, but hush money is generous

7) Fabulous on the job training

6) First hand knowledge of Presidents commitment to youth

5) More exciting than those boring Americorps sessions

4) Gives new meaning to Gen-X slogan " Rock the Vote"

3) After transfer to UN, get party with Bhoutros- Bhoutros' s Gali

2) Complete knowledge of Pentagons " Manual of Arms"

1) Generous help with Independent study

The reason Kaczynski plea-bargained is that he didn't want his affair with his intern to come out during the trial.

This guy in Paris broke into Le Louvre and stole a number of precious paintings but he could not get away with it since a little distance down the street his escape vehicle stopped and was caught red handed.

When asked how a person so smart as rob the museum did not take care of his vehicle:
He said " I had no Monet to bye Degas to make my Van Gogh".

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". (Amen)

14. Put Tabasco on everything.

15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.

19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.

20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations...Offends the heck out of 'em.

23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved

Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one

A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one

The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed

The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage

Three children plus two cookies equals a fight

The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers

The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature

The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers

What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal