KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since, Karen, his model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said,

"OH NO It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me. She was not unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that is to say, intense self-absorption. She approached the consultation like the oysters in "The Walrus and The Carpenter," all eager for the treat. Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"I hate myself."

"And you've come for a second opinion?"

Theodore Dalrymple's medical column in the British publication "The Spectator," 17 May 1997

Mariotti: "Belial, have you done an evil deed, today?"
Belial: "Yes, I have."
M: "What have you done?"
B: "I have helped an old lady cross the street."
M: "You have helped an old lady cross the street???"
B: "Yep."
M: "What's evil in that?"
B: "A 40-ton truck."

"Come, Mariotti, it's time for your medication."
"Why? The voices in my head tell me that I am perfectly sane."

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said "sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger said "sure."

So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks ."

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Tasteless joke number one regarding the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal:

During the first week of orientation, what was the most popular game the White House interns played during their icebreakers?

Swallow the leader.

Three guys go to a strip club, order up a round of beers, and invite a dancer over for a table dance. The stripper kneels in front of them, showing off her rear view. The first man, hoping to impress his buddies, pulls out a ten dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to her left cheek. Not to be outdone, the second man pulls out a fifty, licks it, and affixes it to her right cheek. They both look at the third man to see how he plans to impress them.

So he whips out his ATM card, swipes it down her crack, grabs the sixty bucks, and leaves.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and therefore he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

10. Special appearance by Wilford Brimley as "Brimleysaurus Rex"
9. Instead of Deadly venom, veociraptor now spits delicious iced tea
8. Dinosaurs and humans settle their differences with a spirited game of Yahtzee
7. Steven Spielberg can often be seen in the background, counting huge stacks of money
6. Movie's big catch phrase: "Them Dinosaurs is tasty!"
5. All the action takes place at a Dunkin' Donuts in Scranton
4. Scientists kill the dinosaurs simply by hiding all the "Dinosaur Chow"
3. Hilarious scene where Fred Flintstone uses one of the dinosaurs as a lawnmower
2. Lead Brontosaurus played by Janet Reno
1. All the dinosaurs speak perfect french

16. The leader of Catholicism and the leader of Communism locate common ground: "Bring us the head of Pauly Shore!"

15. Race after race, the Popemobile blew the doors off the Castromobile.

14. It's damn hard to condemn Fidel when he looks so cute trying on the robe and "offering blessings" in the mirror.

13. Local cuisine of black beans gave new meaning to the term "Holy Smoke."

12. Calling him "Juan Pablo Dos" pisses him off right quick.

11. Castro: Communist dictator, cigar aficionado, "The Young & the Restless" addict.

10. More major food groups found in Castro's beard than in Pope's hat.

9. CIA spy photos mistake Pope's hat for nuclear missile.

8. Topic of Pope's farewell speech: "That Urkel's just not as funny in Spanish."

7. Turning water into wine minimizes the chances of food poisoning by 30%.

6. On the Havana black market, one Popemobile hubcap fetches two cows and six chickens.

5. Poor Samba technique now a venial sin.

4. To commemorate the Pope's visit, Fidel let the entire county stay up past their 9 o'clock bedtime.

3. Communion wafers topped with jack cheese and jalapenos.

2. Castro a masculine, yet tender, waltz partner.

and the Number 1 Surprise During the Pope's Visit to Cuba...

1. His Holiness in Havana was upstaged by His Horniness in D.C.

HEIGHTS OF REPETITON: you forwarding an email to someone and recieving the same email forwarded from him to you.

HEIGHTS OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHTS OF COWARDNESS:Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHTS OF HELPLESSNESS:You recieving no emails for a week.

HEIGHTS OF IDLENESS:A person using email tool all the time.

HEIGHTS OF FRUSTATION:The email server being down.

HEIGHTS OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a reply all.

HEIGHTS OF ACHIEVEMENT:A person sending the email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHTS OF HEIGHTS:A person sending an email to himself..