KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Casher- "Well they must be for your sister then?" Nine year old- "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now- "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised -"Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them]"

There was a couple that lived on sex, sex and sex alone. Every morning the bloke would wake up, roll over and say to his wife "So honey what is for breakfast." She would reply well I am gorgeous why not have me, so they would have sex for breakfast. Every lunch time, the husband would come back home for lunch. His wife would rip off his clothes and shag him senseless until it was time for him to return to work. Every evening he would come in calling out, "Hi honey I'm home." His wife would drag him into the kitchen and make mad passionate love on the kitchen floor. One evening he was late home from work. As he walked in, he called, "Hi honey. I'm home." There was no answer. He walked into the living room and towards the hall. He found his wife completely stark naked sliding up and down the stair banister. "What are you doing?" he asked his wife.

She replied "Oh just keeping your dinner warm, love!"

President Clinton has proposed a new executive department to field questions from the press and congress regarding recent activities. He has submitted the name of Bob Packwood to be the cabinet member to head up the new Department of Intern Affairs.

One day a pheasant wandered into a field where a huge bull was grazing. The pheasant was staring very intently at a tree in the pasture. Finally the bull said to the pheasant, "Why are you staring at that tree?" The bird replied, "Well, I'd like to fly right to the top of it, but I just don't have the strength." The bull said, "Why don't you try eating some of my droppings?" "They are full of nutrients and will make you very strong and powerful."

The bird was rather skeptical, but started pecking away at some of the dung in the field. The next day, the pheasant was able to fly into the lower branches of the tree. Encouraged by this, the bird flew back down to the ground and ate about twice as many droppings as the day before. The next day the bird was able to fly to the middle section of the tree, another significant improvement from the day before. Once again, the pheasant flew to the ground and ate a tremendous amount of the bull's dung.

The next day the bird was able to fly to the very top of the tree. The farmer who owned the land came by in his truck and saw the pheasant sitting there. He excitedly pulled out a shotgun which he kept in the truck, took aim and blew the bird away with a double blast!

So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and politicians everywhere: Please remember this - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich get caught up in a twister and end up in Oz. When the dust settles and they realize where they are, Quayle says, "I'm going to see the Wizard to ask for a brain". Gingrich adds, "And I'm going to ask for a heart". Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy".

10. Truly an eager beaver.
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.

A man goes to the Doctor's and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole", give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw."
"Well", said the doctor, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate..."

What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton the other day?

"Bill, if that Monica broad gives you any more trouble, just let me know and I'll give her a ride home some night."

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole".
He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"