KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Here are some apparently actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Signed Off: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Signed Off: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Signed Off: Number 2 propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: Propellers 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Signed Off: It does now.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Signed Off: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Signed Off: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Signed Off: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Signed Off: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Signed Off: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per minute descent.
Signed Off: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Signed Off: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Signed Off: That's what they're there for.

* Upon returning from a date in the early morning hours, a coed woke her roommate up to announce that she was engaged. "Oh how wonderful !" gushed the rather romantic roomie. "Did he get down on his knees to propose ?" "Well... not exactly. But at least he got up on his elbows to do it."

* "I tell ya Marge" said the Naval Aviator's wife. "When Jim's home on leave, sex is more like football coverage in reverse." "How's that ???" asked Marge. "Instant foreplay !" responded the distraught wife.

* "Momma," said the bride-to-be, "there's something I've been meaning to ask you." "Yes, I know dear," responded the Mother lovingly, "and I've been waiting. Shortly you will discover all the joys of love with your husband. First, let me explain..." "Ma ! Wait !" said the girl. "I already know all about makin' love & all, I just want to know how to make lasagna like you do."

* "Did you go the limit with Frank ?" asked the younger sister of her sibling as she slipped into bed after a late nite date. "Well... at least we went Frank's." sighed her sister.

* The travlin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything."
The girl only nodded and smiled.
As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady. What part of Texas y'all from ?"

John Paul II died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: "John Paul, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours."

John Paul thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St Peter told him it would be arranged.

On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John Paul to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John Paul went before Her, knelt, and said:

"Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"

Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. Then she said:
"I always wanted a girl."

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal bodily functions."

As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!". Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet". The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears stream- ing from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!", the mother says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!". "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me Doc, how is he?"

The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

A lady approached a guy at the bar and said " Hi Ya stud, Can you give me a full eight inches and make me bleed?"

"Sure, lets go to a hotel"

The get to the room and she says"give it to me baby"

So he fucked her twice then punched her in the nose.

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .
600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!
Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by oneof his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can comeout...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."