| 3211. small world
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, " Small World! " 3212. Too Pay or Not Toupe.... When old Mr.O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but me knew he was bald," she confided, "and he could never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs O'Leary," comforted the undertaker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs, O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for handling the matter so professionally. "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker, "What's a few nails?" 3213. Organ It seems there was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything!! After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She said "While in town I found a package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease', and you know I think it works, I haven't had a cold all winter." 3214. MEN'S RULES Rule 1 -- Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule 2 -- If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule 3 -- If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule 4 -- It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule 5 -- Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule 6 -- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule 7 -- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. Rule 8 -- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule 9 -- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule 10 -- Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Rule 11 -- When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rule 12 -- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 3215. Looking For A Wife?
Are you looking for a wife?
Hardware Requirements:
Software Requirements: 3216. Dennis Rodman A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball player, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair. They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel room. He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on his right arm was a tatoo which said, "Reebok". She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it. Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner of the room. Rodman said, "What's wrong?" The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS". 3217. Some Great Short Humor Pieces... The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers. Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're damn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "I just bit my tongue." Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill? It ran out of juice! Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So the other one could have a chance to drive! When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia. What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts. During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL thi stuff you'll never use in the real world. Which animals did Noah not take on the ark in pairs? Worms! They went on in apples. What veggie did Noah not take on the Ark? Leeks What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill? A trip without the kids! I was just wondering......if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father fhadn't left me a fortune?" "Darling," the woman replies sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune." How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? NOBODY KNOWS! 3218. Keep Quiet You! A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 3219. Most Embassassing Moment A rather large lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she reached the check-out, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 12, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS". In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER"? 3220. The Birthday Present... Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday-she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 90 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, |