KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anesteisia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. "So tell me Doc, what is did you find out?"
. The Doctor says, "Son we have some good news and some bad news." "Yea , so???" replies the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts." "Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow ..."

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."

On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!

Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.. yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!

For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."

Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days..just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me!

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.

Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I.. you never put out for me."

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No.. one drag is enough."

I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude.. but I didn't see the mouse trap.

A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to message parlor. It was self service.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.. "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."

She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails... under her arms.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Then there's the drunk who went out on a long bender. Somewhere in the course of his wanderings the right pocket in his trousers was ripped out of his pants. The drunk, sobering up somewhat after several days, begins to take stock of himself and his condition. He reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out the contents and inventories them. All is well. He reaches into his left pants pocket, pulls out the contents - again all is well. Then he reaches into his right pants pocket. He feels around a bit then, with a quizzical look on his face says to himself, "Prunes, prunes. . . now why in the hell did I buy prunes?"

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering.

"Are you OK, sir?" asked the stew?

"Yes, I'm fine." said the man.

Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..

"Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"Whats wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and chitchat the Priest says "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realizes the truth "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest. The priest is dumbfounded, and doesn't know what to do. The Rabbi leans over and whispers something in the mans ear. The man walks off.
The Priest says "Thanks, but what did you tell him."
The Rabbi replies "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

Ingredients: 1 cup of butter, 1 cup of sugar, 4 large eggs, 1 cup dried fruit, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 tsp soda, 1 tsp salt, lemon juice, brown sugar, 1 or 2 qurts whiskey, nuts

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good huh?

Select a large mixing bow, measureing cup, etc. Check the whiskey again to make sure it's just right and not losing out to evaporation. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pout one level cup into a large, drinking glass and drink s fast as you can. Repeat.

With an alectric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffly bowl. Add 1 tsp. thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the whickey is of the finest quality, cry another tup. Open second quart is necessary. Add 2 argel eggs, 2 c. fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters just pry it loose with a drewdriver. Sample the whitkey agian, checking for consicicticity, then sift 3 c. of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.

Sample the whickey. Sift 1/2 pint of lemeon juce. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bobblespoon brown thrgar, or whaever color you can find and mix well. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350. now pur the hole mess in coven and ak for 1 tmr by our. Check the wickey agin and goto bed.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In Akko, Israel:
"Lamp Chops"

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."