A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Swede
joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said,
``He's Swedish.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near
the door and repeated, ``He's Swedish.'' The bartender finished, ``Now
think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Swedish, too.''
The customer replied, ``I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd
have to explain it three times.''
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A storie from 'Ivar Sandsmark';
I live in Seattle. The Scandinavian District here is called Ballard. Every
year for the 17th of May parade (Norwegian Constitution Day) all Scandinavians
line up on each side of Market Street for the parade.As a yearly ritual,
the Swedes line up on the East side, the Norwegians on the West. Then,
the Swedes throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Then, the Norwegians light
the firecrackers and throw them back :-)
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After travelling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they
had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas
på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).
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The Stockholm police got a wanted person report from interpol.
With the fax there was a picture of the criminal, from right, left and
straight on. Four days later the swedish police sent the following fax
to interpol: "We've found the guys on the left and the right, and one of
our officers are about to arrest the guy in the middle."
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A swede was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful
woman. He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She smiled and whispered
back, "I love you too!" There was a little pause, the swede was thinking,
then he whispered, "I love you three."
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A swedish space-scientist came running into the office of his norwegian
colleague. "The swedes will be the first to send a manned spaceship to
the sun," he said. The norwegian colleague responded, "But the temperature
will be millions of degrees there!" The swede stood there for a few seconds
thinking, then he said, "Oh, don't worry, we will be landing during the
night."
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A swedish student was in a bookstore. "This book will do half the
job for you," the clerk said. "Good, I will have two, " the swede
replied.
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A norwegian was complaining to a swede about the high price of
gas. The swede just responded, "I don't care much about that. I always
fill up for 100 kronor anyways."
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A swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon
a norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged
in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The norwegian suggested that
the swede let the air out of the tires. The swede looked angrily at him,
"You moron! The truck is stuck up on top."
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A norwegian and a swede were at the movie theatre, and the norwegian
bet that the hero would die during the movie. The swede didn't believe
him, and they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over
and the hero was dead, the swede began to give the money to the norwegian,
but the norwegian interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he
was going to die. Keep the money." The swede replied, "oh, I also saw the
movie before, but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."
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"This letter is too heavy," the post-clerk stated, "You will have
to put on an additional stamp." The swede looked wonderingly at him, "Will
it be lighter then?" he asked.
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A swede, a norwegian and a dane were arrested in France during
the french revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die.
The norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion.
His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The french
saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go. The
same thing happened to the dane. Then they asked the swede how he wanted
to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway,"
he said.
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Two norwegians were telling swedish jokes. "Do you know how to
save a Swede from drowning?" the one said. "No," his friend said after
a little while. The first norwegian grinned, "Oh, That's good."
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The little swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer
were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat
makes everything expand."
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A swedish road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down
the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers,
and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200 meters,
but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the first
day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss
called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see
it's getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the
swede explained.
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There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the
bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a
guy got up and said that he could tell a swedish joke. Suddenly a woman
in the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm swedish." The guide
looked at her and said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards."
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A swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time.
As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by
a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way
on the highway. "ONE?" the swede yells out, "there are several hundred
of them out there!"
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There was this swede who once got home and found his wife in bed
with another man. He was so angry that he got a gun and pointed it to his
own head. "NO! Don't do that," his wife begged. "Shut up woman! You'll
be next," the angry swede replied.
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A norwegian drove into a swedish gas station, and wanted some help
with his signal lights. After he'd changed the light-bulb, he asked the
swede to check if it was blinking.The swede looked at it and said, "funkar,
funkar inte, funkar, funkar inte. " (Works, doesn't work, works, doesn't
work...)
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In the washroom of all swedish resturants there is a sign saying,
"Never throw your cigarette into the toilet. Remember that it is difficult
to light up a wet cigarette.."
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There was a power failure in Stockholm, and hundreds of Swedes
were trapped in escalators.
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There was a fire in the royal library in Sweden, and the king was
utterly depressed because both books were burned and he'd only gotten around
to painting in one of them.
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"Daddy, I'm pregnant," the daughter said. "Hey, wait a minute.
Are you sure it's yours?" the swedish father responded.
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There were these two swedish twins who looked so incredibly alike,
that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really
knowing about it.
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One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish
battle ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift course
10 degrees to the west. The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that
the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east! Moments later
the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west.
"I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and
yelled, "Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!" Again
came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west.
By now the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A
CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE
10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!" Moments later came
the reply: "Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift
10 degrees to da vest, if yu know vat's good for yu!"
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A swede made a trip to New York and while standing in front of
the Empire State building, he started to count all the floors. A policeman
came by and thought to himself: "That one must be swedish" and decided
to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that
it's illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?" The
swede replied: "No sir, I did not." The police officer then said: "I'm
afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted." The swede
then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors sir." The police officer left, very
happy. Then, a swedish comrad came along and asked what had just happened.
His friend replied: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that
I had counted 50 floors when I had really counted 51!"
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Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about
all the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian
and asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian
brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the
Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit
as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of
the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said,
"It's a question of intelligence." The Swede went back to his buddy who
wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered
and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..
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Once there were two swedes who were called in for an IQ-test. The
first swede went in to take the test, he got 2 points because he had come,
2 points because he had understood the letter and he got 2 points for being
able to find his way to the place where the test was held. Yet, he was
marked as a swede because he didn't know what IQ meant. Next, the other
swede went into the room where the test was being held. He got the same
number of points plus 2 extra points for knowing what IQ meant, and he
got approved as 8 points was the minimum limit to pass the test. When he
got out of the room he told his buddy, "Jag, er intelligent!" (I am intelligent),
where upon his friend answered "Inte jag heller" (neither am I).
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Then there's the story about the swede who was building himself
a house. One of his friends came by and asked why the heck he threw away
every second nail? "They have the nail-head in the wrong end", the man
replied.
His friend became furious with him and shouted, "How stupid can you
get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other
side of the house???"
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"I wonder what time it is?" one swede asked another. "At least
it's not 17.00," the other answered, "because at 17.00 I am supposed to
be home, and I am not home now."
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The sale of Vodka has increased dramatically in Sweden during the
last year. The reason, they believe, is that they wish to become fluent
in Russian.
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There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida.
All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he
thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator
shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help.
Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, "Bare behold de elendige skoene
dine. Skal det være på den måten, skal jeg pinadø
leie meg båt, dra oppover sumpene her, fange meg en alligator og
lage skoene selv!!!!" (Sigh.. In English: Just keep your lousy shoes. If
that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into
the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!).. The owner of the
store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards
to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me."
The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads
out into the swamp. After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their
knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water.
"det må være svenskene." (that must be the Swedes) the Norwegian
thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims
towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just
waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the
Swede stick his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's
the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede
turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters,
"Satan också! Inte sko på den haer heller." (Damn! No shoes
on this one either!)..
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It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to
compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing,
and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they
were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this
wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to
avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win. The best of the Swedes
finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good,
the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only
a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron
Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As
he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige!
". The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him
wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler
was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it,
I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought:
'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance,
it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could..
and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own balls that hard you
can get out of any grip."
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There were these two Swedish hunter-buddies who went to Norway
and bought a "fågelhund" that is, a bird dog. Later they returned
to Sweden to test the dog, but they were rather disappointed. Finally one
of the guys said "We've been cheated, we might as well just give the dog
away." The other Swede looked back at his buddy, "Yeah, we'll give him
one more chance. Throw him up in the air again, and if he doesn't fly we'll
just have to give him away to someone else."
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Once there was two Norwegian and a swedish testpilot who flew a
SAAB-JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone realize
that they'll have to bail out. The problem however seems to be that there
are only two parachutes in the plane. The swede suddenly interrupts, "Intellektet
mitt er for stort til at det kan gaa tapt. Jag tar den ena skjaarmen och
hoppar." [My intellect is so big that it can't possibly be lost to mankind.
I will take one of the parachutes.] Then he goes and the two Norwegians
is left. "What are we going to do now?" one of them is asking. "Well, we'll
just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-sack."
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A man is in the process of backing his car out of the drive way.
When he reach the sidewalk, he looks to the right... there comes a
swede,
then he looks to the left and there is nobody coming there either....
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The latest thing on the diet front in Sweden is the new "animal-cure",
which is very popular in Sweden. In a short interview, the creator Lasse
Gorth, gives us the answer to why he calls it the "animal-cure". "Yeah,
well, the reason for that is very simple. You just have to eat like a fly
and shit like an elephant."
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Two swedes were sitting on a train when it entered
a tunnel. They were sitting there in the darkness when suddenly one
said, "Oh, how long this tunnel is." His friend then said, "Ah, that's
just because we're on the last car of the train."
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A norwegian, a dane and a swede was stranded on an desert island.
But then they met a good fairy who would grant them one wish
each. The norwegian wished himself back to Oslo in Norway, the dane wished
himself to Copenhagen in Denmark and suddenly they were both gone. The
swede suddenly being alone there on the island wanted to be with his friends
so he wished them both back.
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Two Swedish men go into a lumber yard to buy some lumber.
"May I help you", ask the salesman. "How long do you want'em?"
One swedish replies: "Oh, for long time. We're building a house."
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The Swedish mountaineer Christer Olsson, has stated in a press-conference
that his attempt to climb over the sound-barrier has failed again.
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The Russians have found a new easy way to sink Swedish subs. The
method is very simple, they just send a diver down to knock on the sub's
hatch. Upon which the Swedes reply, "Kom inn" (Come in). After the diver
has waited awhile he knocks again, and then the Swedes will open the hatch
to see who it is.
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There once was this Swede who after year of waiting, finally got
to be lobotimized. But when the surgeon removed the top of his head, he
found that there wasn't anything in there, except this little strand of
thread. The surgeon didn't know what to do, so he cut off the tread. Guess
what happened then???? The Swede's ears fell off...
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A swede called the airline and asked how long it would take for
a plane to get from Stockholm to Paris. "Just a moment," the clerk said.
"Oh, thank you," the swede replied and hung up.
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The swedish Doctor to his patient: "It's very important that you
take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."
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Tormund was by the norwegian seaside looking for shrimps. He found
a fisherman and he asked him if he had any shrimps. "Yeah, I've got 2 tons
of norwegian shrimp and I've got 1 swedish shrimp." Tormund looked quizzically
at the fisherman and asked how he could tell the difference between a norwegian
and a swedish shrimp.
"Easy,"the fisherman said. "Just look in front of the ship. There's
a shrimp there beating on her chest, whilst she's crying: I am a lobster!
I am a lobster!"
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Sweden got a 5th place on a cross-country ski contest in Falun/Sweden.
The next day the following text was written in the paper, "Again, Sweden
did great in cross-country. There had to be 4 foreigners to beat one simple
swede."
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A swede was travelling on the night-train, but he couldn't find
his seat. The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where
it was.
"No," the swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river
outside of it."
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Old swedish advice for dry skin: "Put some water on the skin, and
rub it out."
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A swede was reading the phonebook, "Svenson... Svenson.. Svenson..
It's incredible how many phones that guy has."
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There was this swedish teacher who was yelling at his class because
they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk
this math class," he said. One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher,
there aren't that many in this class," he said.
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Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "Kan jag få
två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwitches). The store-clerk
then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, " er det fordi
jag sa 'smørgåssar de skjønnte at jag var svensk?"
(is it because I said 'smørgåssar' i.e. the swedish word for
sandwitch, you knew I was a Swede). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "no,
it is because you're in a hardware store."
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Pessimism: A Swede who doesn't bring a parachute when jumping
out of an airplane,
because he is certain it won't open anyway.
Optimism: A Swede who doesn't bring a parachute when jumping
out of an airplane,
because he is certain he will get to borrow one on his way down.
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In a swedish army camouflage book: "When the soldier is moving
through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and put them on his
helmet. When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks
and put them on his helmet. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage
field he's supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage."
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Two Swedish men are sitting in a bar watching the eleven o'clock
news. The lead story conserns a woman standing on an eleventh-floor ledge
announcing her intention to jump.
"I'll bet you $25 she doesn't jump." Says first swedish.
The second swedish takes the bet, but sure enough, the woman
jumps.
"I can't take your money", says the bet winner swedish guy.
"I saw that story on the six o,clock news, so I knew she'd jumpe".
"No, take it", says first swedish, "I saw the six o'clock news too,
but I was sure that this time she wouldn't do it".
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