Here we are live, watching the seating test debates taking place in the broom closet next to the bathroom. Our 3 debaters today will be me, Skeeter Mulder, and Big Bob. They will be discussing who will be sitting where, after the big seating test.
Part 1: First Blood
ME: Well here we are, in this nice broom closet...What's the first topic of our debate today?
BIG BOB: Hell if I know. Ask Skeeter.
SKEETER MULDER: Well, let's talk about who's going to be 1st flute this time.
ME: Ok, well as we all know the main contenders here are Katie (who will be referred to as Strawberry-Champagne Girl from now on) and Jenny (who I don't have a really weird nickname for). Who will win? Nobody knows.
SKEETER: I'm all for Strawberry-Champage Girl, she's got the home team advantage, being 1st chair the last 2 times after all.
BOB: For once I'm leaning towards Skeeter's side, she does have the home team advantage, plus she's got shorter hair.
ME: What's that got to do with it?
BOB: I didn't say hair...I said, uh, chair. Yeah, she has a really...good chair...at home.
SKEETER: Shut up Bob.
BOB: Yes master.
ME: Well, I'm still not sure who's going to win. Both of them didn't make any mistakes. Anyway, we have a special guest today, Strawberry-Champagne Girl come on down!
SKEETER: Hi Corrine!
STRAWBERRY-CHAMPAGNE GIRL: D*** it Skeeter! That's not my name! I will kill you for saying my name wrong! Don't make me put Strawberry-Champagne Chapstick on your clarinet reed!
SKEETER: Sorry! Uh...what's your name?
SC GIRL: AUGH!
ME: Ok back to business. Do you think your still going to be the 1st flute, or is Jenny going to be sitting by the piano?
SC GIRL: Well, I think I'll still be 1st chair...but just in case, I've made some...precautions.
EVERYONE ELSE: What???
SC GIRL: Just remember, accidents DO happen...heh heh heh
BOB: She's really scaring me now. Skeeter! Do something! She's being scary!
SKEETER: Shut up you big baby.
ME: Hehe, its gonna get a lot more scarrier, because we've got Jenny waiting backstage!
SKEETER: You mean the bathroom?
ME: ...yeah...
BOB: WAHHHHHHHH
JENNY: Hey guys, it really smells like teen spirit in here...
ME: Ok, you can come out now.
JENNY *sits down*
ME: Ok, so do you think you're going to be 1st flute, or is Strawberry Champagne Girl going to beat you...again?
JENNY: Actually, I think I'm going to win.
SC GIRL: No Way! You *****! I'm gonna get you!
JENNY: Ooohhhh, I'm soooo scared!
SC GIRL: DIE *****!!! *Takes chair and clobbers Jenny with it*
JENNY: *Falls down and starts crying*
BIG GUYS WHO USED TO WORK FOR JERRY SPRINGER: *Breaks up the fight*
ME: Ok guys, take em back stage again. When I find out who actually wins...we'll do a live commentary on the cat-fight that follows, oh yeah and I'll tell you who won too.
BOB: WAHHHHHHHH
SKEETER: Shut up Bob!
Part 2: When Trumpets Attack
ME: Ok, now that we've finished with the flutes, we're ready to move on. Skeeter, what's our next topic?
SKEETER: The trumpets are.
ME: Hmmm, only 2 main contenders here like the flutes, the current 1st trumpet Vadim and...Big Bob?
BOB: That's right! This time I'll beat that fool that everyone claps for!
SKEETER: Yeah, sure you will. Face it Bob, you'll never beat Vadim, he's got the "Foreign Factor" on his side.
BOB: What's that?
ME: It's a basic law that states that when 2 trumpet players are of equal skill, the one who speaks the least English wins because if they don't they'll probably sue for racial discrimination.
BOB: NOOOOOOOO
SKEETER: Of course that factor won't come into play actually, Vadim's already 50 times better than Bob.
BOB: I don't know about that Skeeter, like Strawberry-Champagne Girl said, accidents DO happen...heh heh heh
ME: D*** it! Now you're starting to scare us Bob! Anyway, our special guest for this debate is: Johnny Cocheran! Come on out Johnny!
JOHNNY COCHERAN: Hello. I'm Johnny Cocheran, and this does not make sense!
ME: So who do you think is going to win Johnny? Bob or Vadim?
JOHNNY: What the fudge are you talkin' about?! Why am I here? This does not make any sense! This makes less sense than girls who sit in the back seats of buses that put on Strawberry-Champagne Chapstick and then slap each other!
Strawberry-Champagne Girl: Hey! Don't diss Strawberry-Champagne! I've been waiting a long time for this Cocheran! *hits cocheran with a low blow*
JOHNNY: OW! This ***** does not make any sense! I'll see you all in court! You all do not make any sense! *leaves*
SKEETER: Well, that was...odd...anyway, I've got 5 cents on Vadim!
BOB: And I've got 5 cents on me! A penny for your thoughts?
ME: Sorry my thoughts cost 10 bucks apiece
BOB: Why! That's highway robbery!
ME: You don't HAVE to pay if you don't want to...but...
BOB: Fine! Here's your $10! Now what just cost me $10?
ME: A fool and his money are soon parted. Oh yeah, and I've got $10 on Vadim!
BOB: WAHHHHHHHHHHH
Part 3: The Percussion Deadlock
ME: It appears the percussion deadlock will remain the same this time, but you never know. Grant still hasn't played his test and a suprisingly good showing by Austin may be enough to dethrone Corrine (The real one).
BOB: It'll be close...
SKEETER: Yeah, but I still think Katie's gonna win.
ME: No you fool! That's not her name! Fool! You are not worthy!
SKEETER: I am not worthy...
BOB Who's guest-starring this time, I hope its not that gay lawyer guy again.
ME: Well, it just so happens we've got Grant backstage now!
GRANT: I will kill Uncle Wilse!
ME: Ok Grant, do you think you can play the seating test better than everyone else, or do you think you're going to lose horribly?
GRANT: I will kill Uncle Wilse!
BOB: Hey! I've got an Uncle Wilse! Don't kill Uncle Wilse!
GRANT: I will kill Uncle Wilse!
SKEETER: This isn't going too well.
GRANT: I will kill Uncle Wilse!
ME: Ok, bring out the backup guest stars. Ash Ketchum and company come on down!
ASH: This doesn't look like a pokÉmon gym.
PIKACHU: Pika pika! (Translation: Somebody run this boy over with a truck!)
ASH: What's that Pikachu? You want to get another badge? Ok, who's the gym leader here?
PIKACHU: Pika! Pi Pi-kachu! (Translation: Call the police! I've been kidnapped!)
ME: I'll fight you Ash! My best pokÉmon vs. yours!
ASH: Alright! I wanna be the very best...that no one ever was! To catch them is-
SKEETER: No! Don't sing that! Shut up!
ASH: Ok! Go Pikachu!!!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Hahahahaha *familar music plays...*
ME: No...it's not...
ASH: ...Team Rocket!
JESSE: Prepare for trouble!
JAMES: Make it double!
JESSE: To protect the world from devastation!
JAMES: To unite all peoples within our nation!
JESSE: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
JAMES: To extend our reach to the stars above!
JESSE: Jesse! *strikes a pose*
JAMES: James! *holds up a rose*
JESSE: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!
JAMES: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
MEOWTH: Meowth! That's right! *music ends*
ME: Go Lipsyncher!
LIPSYNCHER: Lipsyncher Lip! Syncher! *Lipsyncher used Low Blow!*
MEOWTH: *Meowth fainted!*
JESSE: Go Ekans!
JAMES: Go Koffing!
EKANS: Ekans Ekans! Ekans Ekans!
ME: Lipsyncher return! Chip The Dip! I choose you!
CHIP: Chip Chip! Chip Chip! *Chip used Obscene Spanish!*
CHIP: ˇChingato! Comes La Mierda!
TEAM ROCKET: Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!
PSYDUCK: Psy-ay-ay! Psyduck!
SKEETER: Hey! How did he get in this! Die Psyduck!
PSYDUCK: Psyduck?
SKEETER: Go Ultra-Mega-Mega-Man!
UMM MAN: *UMM Man used yellow snowballs!*
PSYDUCK: *Psyduck fainted!*
SKEETER: Haha! Vengeance is mine!
VENGEFUL BLOOD CLAW: Never! Vengeance is mine! *VB Claw used Vengeance!
SKEETER: *Skeeter fainted!*
ME: Well that's enough of that. Bob go take Skeeter to the neares pokÉmen center! We'll continue after Skeeter gets back!
Part 4: The Clarinet Conflicts
ME: Here we are, the issue everyone's been talking about, Who will be 1st Clarinet? Well, everyone's pretty sure that Skeeter won't be staying in his 1st Chair for very much longer, but he'll probably still be in the 1st row...despite the evil schemes of my secret police.
SKEETER: I want a retest! It wasn't fair! I had to go first!
BOB: I say we let him take his retest, and see who's the greatest Clarinet player of all!
ME: Fine! It'll be me, Skeeter, and 4 other people in an all out war for who becomes 1st!
BOB: Who are the other 4 people?
ME: Um, I guess everyone in the 1st row besides Skeeter and me, plus Margie who...somehow...played her test really good. Let's just say due to her performance, I've had to cut off a few fingers in my Secret Police.
SKEETER: Alright! Let's do it!
ANNOUNCER: Let's get ready to rumble!!!!! This program brought to you by Budweiser, The Undisputed King Of Beers!
CLARINETS: *Play their seating test music*
ANNOUNCER: And now we're down to 2 more contenders! Skeeter and this site's webmaster!
ME: You can't win Skeeter, if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine...
SKEETER: Eh? I don't get it.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE FROM BEYOND: The plot thickens...
ME: Shut up Chip! I know its you in there!
CHIP: Curses! Foiled again!
ME: Here we go! *Plays seating test*
JUDGE JUDY: Not bad...and be sure to watch my show! Real people! Real problems! On Judge Judy!
SKEETER: *Starts to play seating test*
SKEETER: *cough cough* I'm choking! It's...no it can't be...
STRAWBERRY-CHAMPAGNE GIRL: Haha! I secretly poisoned your clarinet reed with Strawberry-Champagne Flavored Chapstick!
SKEETER: Nooooooooooooo! You won't get away with this, it's against the law!
SC GIRL: I am above the law!
SKEETER: *Skeeter fainted for good!*
ME: Looks like I win again. Thanks to Strawberry Champagne Girl!
SC GIRL: Vengeance is mine!
VENGEFUL BLOOD CLAW: That's what you think! But Vengeance™ is and will always be mine! Muahahahahhaha! *VB Claw used Vengeance*
SC GIRL: *Strawberry-Champagne Girl fainted!*
ME: Of course, if it turns out I didn't win...
JOHNNY COCHERAN: ...then this ending wouldn't make any sense!
ME: Right! Which is why I plan to have Margie come and kill everyone if she wins!
BOB: Well I guess this is the end.
ME: Yep. Just remember, The Cow Says...
THE COW: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Part 5: The Aftermath
ME: Well as you can see I'm still alive to write this so I can't be dead which means I'm 1st Clarinet again! Vengeance is mine! Hahaha!!!
THE VENGEFUL BLOOD CLAW: Well...it's ok if you say it. You own me.
SKEETER: Hey I'm not in this. I'm dead. Doh!
BOB: That cursed Vadim! It was the Factor I say! The Factor!!! It was the Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: Sure it was Bob.
GRANT: Did I play the wrong song? No! I will kill Uncle Wilse!
UNCLE WILSE: That's it! I've had enough of you! Die Grant!
GRANT: NOOOO! I must kill Uncle Wilse! Noooooo! *Grant fainted!*
UNCLE WILSE: Haha! Finally I got rid of that pest!
TRUE SON: But I'm still here! And I will kill Uncle Wilse! *Beats up Uncle Wilse just like in the movie*
UNCLE WILSE: Argh! Now I guess I have to shake your hand because you beat me up! Boy, movies are weird! *shakes True Son's hand and leaves*
GRANT'S SPIRIT: ...vengeance...is...mine...
ME: And here are the final scores: Strawberry-Champagne Girl defeats Jenny as expected. I defeat Skeeter...also as expected. Richard defeats Danny...even more expected. Corrine (The real one) defeats everyone...again. Grant was defeated by everyone. Vadim defeats Bob for the 3rd time in a row...and Jeff is still the best Tuba player in our band!
BOB: He's the only one you fool!
ME: I knew that. Don't call me a fool! Get em McDonalds Worker!
MCDONALDS WORKER: *MC Worker used confusion!*
MC WORKER: You're poopy Bob.
BOB: *Bob fainted!*
ME: Well, now that the seating test is all done and over with, I think I'll go start a movement against Volleyball. Not that I have anything against the sport itself...but we have to do all those gay drills and...well...it really sucks. And now some pointless cameo appearances:
CARTMAN: HEY! I AM A COP AND YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY!
HIRSCH: I'm a really big fat***! And I shop at Wal-Mart too! I'm so cool! I think I'm cool anyway! My mom says I'm cool! Of course I only think I'm cool because I don't know what people say behind my back...
EVERYONE: Hirsch can't do pushups. Haha he'll never know we said that either.
GRANT: Absorb...
HOMER SIMPSON: Doh!
THE COW: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
JOHNNY COCHERAN: Fudge! This last part does not make any sense!
PIKACHU: Pika pika! Pikachu! Chu! (Translation: Hey, I heard Hirsch can't do pushups!)
ME: Even Pikachu hates him...haha!
GRANT'S BLOOD ANGELS: Look out men! A herd of harmless cattle! Run away! Run away!
ME: And one last appearance by your favorite villains...
TEAM ROCKET: Prepare for trouble! Make it double! To protect the world from devastation! To unite all peoples within our nation! To denounce the evils of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above! Jesse! James! Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight...
MEOWTH: ...MEOWTH! THAAAAAAAT'S RIGHT!