Every day you hear what domestic violence IS but you never hear what it ISN'T. From my experience here are a few points about what domestic violence isn't as well as what being in this type of relationship won't allow you to do! IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE READING ABOUT VIOLENCE OR ABUSE PLEASE LEAVE THIS PAGE! Feel free to read but make sure you feel safe while doing so! It makes my heart sad to see women in domestic violence situations. I know what it's like to be in a violent relationship so I'm hoping that my obeservations help other women who are in a domestic violence situation.
Domestic violence ISN'T your fault! Oh, your abuser will tell you that it is. They will try to point the blame at you. They will say, "You MADE ME hit you/slap you/punch you/kick you". They will tell you that it is your fault. BUT IT ISN'T!!! If you are forced into having sex when you don't want it you will often hear, "It's because you're frigid/a prude/not interested in a "real" sexual partner". Please do not do anything you feel uncomfortable doing!
Domestic Violence ISN'T there to build self-esteem. The abuser will often resort to verbal abuse and shouting to make you feel less than worthy! The abuser will tell you over and over again how unworthy you are to be with him/her, how glad you should be to have them there to "set you straight" about ALL of your downfalls. You will slowly lose a sense of self!
Domestic Violence ISN'Tthere to help you gain a sense of freedom. Are you trapped in the home or only allowed to go home right after work? Do you have to be in your abuser's sight as much as possible? Does he/she pick and choose everything you do and/or everyone you see WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT? Does your abuser stalk you? If you answered yes to these and you don't want to be controlled you are, once again, giving up your freedom and sense of self!
Domestic violence ISN'T there to help you flaunt your bruises, black eyes and cuts! Do you often wear long sleeves to hide bruises on your arms or turtlenecks to hide the choke marks on your neck?
Domestic violence ISN'T going to go away if you ignore it! Don't think that your abuser will get better without help and without you leaving and going to a safe place. Often times the abuser will say that they regret what they have done and will be extra nice and sweet for a while. Believe me, this anger and abuse will be inflamed again and again. I'm sure that there have been victims who think that they will wait and maybe the abuse will just vanish. Often this is their LAST thought!
Domestic abuse ISN'T a humanitarian effort by your abuser to teach you right from wrong. Often times the abuser will tell you that they were just trying to teach you a lesson and that it was "for your own good"! This abuse isn't a lesson - lessons are best learned with love and understanding NOT by HURTING the person you love!
Domestic abuse ISN'T about love. An abuser will often tell you that he/she is hurting you because he/she loves you! This is rubbish! Hurting a person isn't the correct way to show love. Don't believe these lies! Love is tender, sweet, caring, compromising, gentle and many other things but hurting, punching, raping, kicking and bruising ISN'T the correct way to show love!
Domestic violence ISN'T gender specific! Men abuse women, women have been known to abuse men, and same sex relationships also have their share of abuse! Don't think that because you are in a certain type of relationship that domestic violence won't happen to you! Be aware and become familiar with what constitutes abuse - verbal, physical and sexual!
Please, please, please - If you feel that in any way you are being abused GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP ANY WAY YOU CAN! It was rough for me when I left my abuser, and I even went into debt, which I am still paying off even though it's been 6 years - BUT paying bills is NOTHING compared to being hurt until I lost a sense of the real me! I am now free to be who I want to be and with the help of an understanding new husband and friends I AM WHO I WANT TO BE! YOU CAN, TOO! Remember - you ARE LOVED and there are organizations out there that can help you (and WANT to help you!) and places where you can go! PLEASE check out the links on my page, find a shelter or other safe space and do what you need to find what is safe for you (and your children). May you have many blessings!
