This is my story about domestic abuse - what happened to me almost 12 years ago. The abuse lasted for several years and I hung on as long as I could - I should have gotten out at the beginning. IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH READING ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, LEAVE THIS PAGE NOW!
I was 19 years old when I met him. He seemed nice enough. I had just broken up with my very first full-time boyfriend, my mother had died very suddenly and my father had just abandoned me. I was very vulnerable. We had met because of an organization we were both involved in, but in different small towns. He was dating someone else, but dumped her for me. He didn't have the guts to tell her that he didn't want to see her any longer - he just ignored her. She often called and wrote to him wondering what had happened. I begged him to tell her but he never did - he just ignored her. I had thought that it was very rude of him, but I had heard that they weren't getting along. Perhaps she wasn't a very nice person. I still thought that it was a bit rude. I had heard that he was hot tempered from several other people, and he was dismissed from an organization he was involved with for inappropriate behavior. (Mainly his temper and having a hard time dealing with other members of the organization). I was instantly attracted to him - he was a large man and was very strong. I felt protected! (If I had only known…)
The first years with him were okay - he had some control over my life, but I thought he was being protective. Since I didn't have any family to speak of, I felt that he was over-protected because he cared. We moved 8 hours away from our hometown and settled down. I got a job in the law enforcement field and he was in construction. We had a decent relationship however, while I was there I never made any friends! I'm a very friendly person, but he wanted to spend all of his time with me and expected me to do the same. Things got tough, my job didn't work out and that's when the abuse and lying started. He ran up my credit card bills by using them without my permission - I begged him not to do it. He still did - and when I would mention it to him, he would get VERY angry and punch the walls, often putting holes in the sheet rock. Then he would throw things - he broke so many of my personal belongings.
I got a temporary job and he was back to work again and things were okay - but I was working hard and always tired. When he wanted sex he would force me - whether I wanted to or not - and he ALWAYS wanted to have sex! The more he forced me, the angrier I got. The angrier I got, the more I would mention it to him. This made him very angry - he would force me and sometimes slap me or pinch me very hard. He would call me a whore and tell me that I wasn't worth anything and that I should be grateful that I had him to "take care of me".
We came to the Washington, DC area and I loved it here. He got a job immediately and I had a very hard time finding work. I was always depressed and I could barely get out of bed. This made financial obligations very hard to re-pay. He would take all of my personal belongings - radios, camera, TVs, jewelry, etc. and pawn them for money without asking me. I would have no idea he was doing this because I would come home and just find different things missing. We were evicted from our apartment. He pawned my beautiful Alverez limited edition guitar that was my solace and joy! By this time he was beating me at least once a week and a few times I went to the hospital. He was very clever in the way he hurt me and no one at the hospital ever even thought that I had been in an abusive relationship! I was so depressed I never thought to ask for help. Once he hit me in the side of the head so hard that I lost my hearing for a few days. I think he might have damaged my eardrum.
With the help of his father we found another apartment. The creditors were calling us because the bills weren't being paid. I felt that suicide was the best alternative for me. Although I thought about it a lot, I never carried out the suicide plans I had. I also fantasized about killing him and how I would accomplish it.
I started seeing television shows about domestic abuse. I kept on making excuses for him thinking that he would be fine as soon as our bills were paid and things were back on track. A day or two after a beating he would be extra nice to me and promise that it would never happen again. But it DID happen again…and again….and again! I started to make a few friends and I got a small kitten to keep me company. (We had a dog, but he beat the dog so often when he was angry that the dog was very afraid of us and cowered in the corner a lot) This was MY cat - something to take care of. She was sooo sweet and I named her Caitlyn. She was very affectionate and there were times that I would cry because she loved me so unconditionally and never asked for anything in return. She was also very assertive and I wished that I were like that cat!
In making friends I met a wonderful man who dated on the side. It was him that helped convince me that I was a worthy person. We dated on the sly for a few years. (He begged me to leave my abuser but I couldn't because I thought that I couldn't make it on my own) We both knew in our hearts that the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere and we decided to break off the relationship. There were no hard feelings and we remain friends to this day! I have no clue what would have happened if my abuser had found out what had happened - I shudder to think! The abuse slowed down during this period and most of the abuse was verbal - and he lied to me about a number of things, including totaling my car.
I started to regain my emotional strength and decided that I HAD to leave this situation. I have no idea what made me decide enough was enough. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I decided that I would leave. There was no real turning point, except that I found out that we were going to get evicted from this apartment, too. I think that by meeting someone who treated me well it enabled me to see that I DESERVED to be treated well!
I met my current husband and decided to move out and it was the best decision I've ever made! 1 ½ years later we were married and we are living a very happy and pleasant life. My husband is a wonderful man and even though we have been struggling to pay off my past bills for the last 4 ½ years, we are almost there! We should have that debt paid off in the next year!
Why did I decide to tell my story? If it helps ONLY ONE PERSON realize what an abusive relationship is like, then I have done my job. If it helps to educate people as to what it's like being in an abusive relationship, then I have also done my job. Most abusive situations can be similar to mine. I am just happy to say that I was blessed to get out alive!
