i think everyone has undertaken some form of self exploration at some point in time.
this is my experience with learning who i am and finding out what i like about myself
and what i don't like. this is my place to share what i've learned, and how i'm going
to deal with what i've learned. this will be updated when i find out new things, no dates
will be put it, as dates put me on a schedule and i hate schedules.
i'm not accepted anywhere. adults don't want me around, as i'm not old enough to understand, yet i'm taunted at school for not being like everyone else. they hate me because i'm smart, because i know things they don't, when it's only because i've never been allowed to be a child. everyone claims that they like me just the way i am, yet everything i hear is "why can't you be more like her...?" or "you aren't good enough..." or "smile!" are these the words of people who want me to be myself? i don't think so. god, i'm so depressed lately. and no one understands. they think it's some kind of temporary thing that is going to go away. well, i have news for all of them. it wont. it never has been like that and i doubt it ever will be. actually, lately i've been thinking that the nicest present anyone could give me would be oblivion. total unexistance or unknowingness. i mean, what could be better? i mean, i'm handling all this rationally. i'm never suicidal anymore, because it's so terrifying but can't i wish that i had never been born? that doesn't mean that i'm going to act rashly. i just sometimes really hate myself. you can't look in the mirror and not hate yourself when you hate what you see. when i look at myself, i can only see the vengeful, mean person who has used people and not felt any remorse when i saw them cry. i only see the girl who has set people up to be hurt, and after promising i would be there, let them fall. when that kind of person is the only one you can see, how can you help but hate yourself? don't tell me to get over it all, because i have to learn to love myself before i can get over being a horrible person.