It was a Tuesday night in January of 1978 when John entered my life. I was in my second week of classes at the local university and on this night I was running late for my communications class. I am sure I made quite a picture as I ran into Founder's Hall that evening. I have never been able to stand to be hot so I very seldom ever wear a coat. In the winter I keep one laying in the back seat of the car in case of emergencies...but other than that I never bother with one. My hands are another matter though....I HATE for my hands to get cold....so I wear mittens as soon as it gets cold. So that is the picture of me that night. I come half running/half sliding into the lobby with my head down to keep the snow off my glasses....my mittened hands brushing the snow from my waist-length hair. I had on a blue jean jumper and no coat. I no sooner slid to a stop when I heard the deep voice behind me. "Hey girl....where's your coat? You are going to catch pnuemonia!" I looked up...way up (I am barely 5' and he was 6'4") into the handsome face of the only man I had noticed in my classes during the past week. My heart leaped! He was talking to me! And my heart also came crashing back just as quickly. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was gay. I can't tell you how I knew. It was not his voice...it was rich and sexy. Not from his form....he was tall and thin but his shoulders were broad and strong. It wasn't his walk....I just knew. My friends used to tease me and say I had "gay-dar" (like radar) because if there was a gay man within 1000 feet of me I seemed to lock onto him.

We raced to class not having time to say much more than our names to each other. We both slid into seats quietly since the professor was already talking to the class. All during class I would glance up to find his eyes locked on me. He would quickly smile and lower his gaze. But the next time I looked up he would be gazing at me again....quickly smile again and lower his eyes. After class I needed to talk to the professor for a minute. I watched disappointed as he left the room. When I finished talking to the professor I grabbed my books and headed out the door. Right outside the room leaning against the wall was John. He smiled at me as he pushed away from the wall and fell into step beside me. He said he had bowling league in a couple hours and asked if I would go to the student lounge area so we could talk and get to know each other better. I told him that that sounded good to me and so we walked toward the lounge area with John talking a mile a minute.

By the time we arrived at the lounge I already knew his full name, his age (he was 6 years younger than me), where he lived and numerous other things. In those few minutes I knew I had found a new friend....someone that would be a very special friend. He was funny....so funny. It wasn't long before I was laughing so hard at him that I had tears streaming down my face. About an hour into our conversation he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "So....what was your first impression of me?" I smiled at him and told him he didn't want to know that answer. He assured me he would not have asked if he didn't want an answer. So, bracing myself for his reaction, I told him it was a three letter word. His facial expression changed to a solemn look. "Why would you think that?" he asked. I explained to him that I had many gay friends and I just knew. He informed me that I was wrong this time. I just smiled and said okay. Within five minutes he said, "Well.....I'm bi...." I smiled at him again and never disputed him in any way. Before another five minutes passed his voice came out softly, "All right...I AM gay but I don't understand how you knew!" I just shrugged my shoulders...and assured him it did not make any difference to me.

And so my friendship with John began. We became inseparable. We did everything together....went to movies....to clubs....out to eat....to play backgammon with friends. I could use 20 pages and not begin to scratch the surface of what John and I shared.... He soon began calling me Miss Piggy due to my short plump body, the long hair, my love for the color purple and the fact that I collected anything with a pig on it. He was Mr. Snout because he had a rather large nose.

Our friendship grew so rapidly and to such a closeness that I think we both were shocked. We would often sit for hours and hours and talk about what we wanted out of life. We talked about how we both wanted to find someone to love...to share our lives with. And we talked about how much we both wanted children. I had wanted a child for as long as I could remember but always said I could not imagine having to put up with a husband. It was said half as a joke and half truthfully because by now I was 27 years old and was really quite set in my ways and didn't want to have to answer to a man just for the right to have a child. Before long our conversations led into the inevitable. John wanted me to have his child. The thought of this was really quite appealing to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that John would be a good father. I knew that he would provide for his child both financially and emotionally as well as for me. I loved John's family so I knew there would be no problem in an extended family for our child should we have one. The more we talked about it the more I could almost imagine what a child of ours would be like. We had discussed going to a specialist who would help us get pregnant by artificial insemination of John's sperm into my body. I was okay with this idea and John was in agreement. So as our graduation time from college loomed before us we began to talk in earnest about the scheduling of this event. Then one night as we were swimming around in the pool in the back yard at my parents John swam up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. Physical contact between us was nothing new...we were always hugging...kissing platonically...often cuddling to watch TV together. But on this night I sensed a difference in John's embrace. I squirmed loose and turned to splash water in his face...."What are you doing Snout? Going hetro on me???" I teased him.

He swam back to me and grabbed my upper arms to hold me still. "Piggy...I want us to have that baby. I really do," he whispered to me. I smiled at him and assured him I did too. It was then that I got the shock of my life. "No Piggy....I mean I want us to make that baby...now...tonight." I think if he had not had hold of my arms I would have slid under water because me knees just buckled at his words. It seemed like an eternity before I heard my own voice.

"No John....not this way...not you and me...you know..." I stuttered for the right words.

"Why not?" he demanded. "I want my child to be conceived the normal way...not in some doctor's office. Come on...please..." he said trying to get me to leave the pool and go to my room. I had always had such strong feelings for John and I had often dreamed of what it would be like to make love with him. But in my heart I was so afraid to sleep with him would end all the other special things we had between us. I knew I could not imagine life without him as my friend...as the person I shared all my secrets with....as the one person that I knew would always be there for me...so with all the strength I could muster I looked him in the eyes and shook my head No at him. Before I could explain any further he spun around and went to the edge of the pool and pulled himself out. His eyes showed hurt but his mouth lashed out in a different fashion. He began to rattle off the names of past partners of mine and said "After them...now you get picky??? Just forget it!" And before I could get out of the pool I heard his car start and then listened as he sped up our street. I didn't hear from him for three days. I was sick with worry and with sadness but I still felt I had done the right thing.

After the third day I found John waiting for me outside my classroom one day as I left. He leaned over and bit me on the head and told me Jabby had missed me. That was one of his ways he loved to aggravate me. He would come up behind me and bite me HARD on the crown of my head and announce that Jabberjaws had got me. So on this day I just smiled at him and told him I had missed Jabby, too. And neither of us mentioned the night in the pool. Graduation came and went. John moved to Columbus about a half hour away but I still spent alot of time with him. Once there he frequented the bars and bath houses almost nightly. I soon began to date an old friend named Ron. John wasn't real fond of Ron but he accepted him as my partner just as I had always accepted the men that John would become interested in. Weekends were still spent together most of the time. Ron and I would go to John's to eat and we'd often drink and get pretty outrageous. One night in the fall of 1981 when Ron and I had gone to John's and met a bunch of friends there everyone decided to go out for more alcohol and for food. John and I said we would stay there and hold down the fort. A few minutes after everyone had gone John looked at me and asked, "Piggy...are you happy? Is he what you have been looking for?" I told him I wasn't sure and not to worry I still loved him most of all. I said it in a joking manner. I don't know what really led to the next moment but the next thing I knew I was in John's arms and we were kissing in a way we had never kissed before. There was truly an electrical surge that almost left me breathless and as I pulled away from John I saw by the look on his face that he had felt the same exact thing. And we were both petrified!!! The realization that we had felt that unbelievable connection was something neither of us wanted to deal with. I was in a relationship with Ron and John was living with Rick. And so we chose not to address it...and we both acted like nothing had happened. We never discussed it with each other until months later.

In January I knew that I was carrying Ron's child. I was overjoyed that I would finally be a mother but yet I dreaded having to tell John my news. I called him one night and told him I needed to tell him something. As soon as I said that he said "Oh Piggy...you AREN'T pregnant are you?" When I said that I was indeed pregnant he answered very quietly, "Piggy you were suppose to have MY baby...not his." That one indication of disappointment was the only thing he said before going into a comical routine about what a baby was going to look like from Ron and me.

The next few months were crazy ones. Ron and I fought constantly and I needed John to turn to so many times. Then John called me and told me it was his turn to tell me some news...he was moving to Dallas, Texas. He had friends there and had visited and wanted the excitement of a big city. Within weeks he was gone...we would talk on the phone and he would write me letters and send me cards. I missed him desperately and in August when my son was stillborn I cried many tears wishing I had John to comfort me. We still were in touch but I could see that he was into the club scene there and was living life on the edge.

Ron and I moved to Tennessee after our son was stillborn. In Tennessee we got married and in a few months I was pregnant again. By the time my daughter, Gina, was born in April of 1984 John had begun to have medical problems. It seemed he was sick alot and no one could figure out what was wrong. He got a staph infection in his foot and the doctors were so concerned that they were contemplating amputation. Somehow he finally rallied and was able to get his health back a bit. Then something went afoul with his eyesight...they thought he had some strange unknown disorder...all they knew was he was losing his eyesight. News reports on TV and in magazines began to refer to a "gay cancer" and I would quickly put that thought out of my mind. Not John...I knew that my John would surely never catch this new disease. And I stayed sure of it until the day that his sister told me that he was sick again with a lung infection. I told her I could not believe he was sick again....what was wrong with him...he needed to take care of himself better! I will never forget her words...."Piggy, John has AIDS."

AIDS....how could this be? The news had been filled with the story of Rock Hudson so I knew more about it now than I had known. And I knew that John was going to die. The reality of that was more than I could comprehend. A world without John? How would anything be right again? Within a month my mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. There were days I would call him to see how he was doing and my Mom would get on the phone and I would sit and listen to her tell him to be strong...to get well...and it would rip my heart out to know that in months both of these beloved people would be gone from my life.

In June of 1986 John decided he wanted to come back to our hometown for one last time. I had talked to him on the phone but had not seen him in 2 years. He became quite ill on the way to Ohio and by the time he got here he was nearing the end of his battle with the dreaded disease that had ravished his body. He had had brain lesions that required surgery...his feet were so ulcerated that he could not walk...he no longer could eat. When he got to town he called me and asked me to please come to see him. He told me to be ready for a big shock...that he was quite a sight. I told him that he would always be handsome to me. He quietly said, "Please remember that Piggy in a couple of weeks when you are looking at me in my casket." I didn't try to tell him not to say it....I just assured him that I would. I went to see him. And it was a shock...he weighed less than a hundred pounds...his hair was gone from the brain surgery...his lips were cracked open. But he was John...the same wonderful funny man that had entered my life eight years before. I sat with him for hours...we talked....we remembered....and we talked about the baby we never had together...and we talked about that kiss. I told him I loved him and I would miss him. He told me he loved me and that if any woman would have made him happy he knew it would have been me.

When it was time for me to go I kissed his forehead and told him so long. He corrected me. "It's good-bye Piggy...you know it and so do I." I whispered that I knew and turned and did not look back because I didn't want him to see me crying. His sister walked me out to my car and held me in her arms and let me cry on her shoulder.

In less than two weeks, on July 13, 1986 I got the phone call. It was a Sunday afternoon and John had just died. He was 27 years old. He was brought back home to be buried. The days of his viewing and his actual service are a blur to me. I do remember that at his service the funeral director handed each of his family members a rose of rememberance and brought one to me saying that the family had told him I was to have one, also.

That was twenty-three years ago. This September 2nd he would turn 51! John at 51...what would that have been like? I imagine it would have been wonderful....every day with him always was! The world and it's knowledge and acceptance of people with AIDS has changed so much. John faced terrible prejudice when he was sick...so much so that he was afraid his body would lay somewhere for days because no one would touch him. That was not to be thankfully. The wonderful funeral director who handled my son's funeral and six months after John's death handled my Mom's was wonderful to us concerning John. He told us to let him know morning or night when John died and he would make sure he was treated with dignity. He kept that promise. For that John's family and I will be eternally grateful.

A large picture of John hangs in my living room. It is in a shadow box with a heart mounted under it. It is inscribed:

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go...Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts... And we are never ever the same."

No truer thing could be said for the experience of having John in my life. He touched me in so many ways. I think of him everyday of my life. There have been so many times that I have thought "Oh I want to tell John about this" and then sadly realize he is gone. But he is gone only in the physical sense. He lives in my memory and in my heart. I can close my eyes and still hear his laughter...see the sparkle of his eyes. He will never really be gone...he will be in my heart for the rest of my life and I know not one day will pass that I won't miss him.

"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Gone Too Soon ~Michael Jackson