saturday night was a weird experience for me, and i've spent ever since thinking about it and remembering and re-evaluating. what happened was that as i was trying to go to sleep around 3.30 a.m. i found myself overcome with memories from junior high school (school in general, but those years in particular.) - in fact, they were so vivid and persistant i got up, turned the light on and found a pen and paper to see if writing my thoughts down would help.

after 7 minutes of writing (producing about 6 pages) my hand suddenly stopped and i found myself crying for a good 10 minutes. out of nowhere. *shrug*

it was as if suddenly it hit me how miserable i was for years on end, and what it did to me and the way i see and react to the world. it truly moved me, and disturbed me, and surprised me, and freaked me.

"what was your happiest memory from junior high?"

[blank]

not a single moment came to mind. not one. i could think of plenty of miserable devastating moments, and not one which really makes me smile. what the fuck is up with that?

well.

you know how people sometimes like to get dramaqueen on you and throw around all these statements about having been 'the outcast' - the one that always stuck out in a crowd, got teased, had no friends, just plain sucked?

hi. nice to meet you.

i wish i could say it was just one of those things people say, or that i'm exaggerating, but i can't. i'm not.

i think part of what legitimized things was that i was fat. well, still am, but the difference between then and now is that now i rarely get any actual comments about it. then it meant i was a freak.

it's not so much that i was fat. it was the fact that i was made to believe that everything that happened (and didn't) was directly due to this, and nobody ever really was to blame for that except me. it's a bit like you're wearing a permanent 'kick me' sign on your back, only you put it there yourself and hence have no right to complain when people end up complying with the request.

it also didn't help that i dressed 'weird', never 'went out' and only had 1 friend who was pretty much on the 'weird' side too, despite her being rather normal. (if she hadn't hung out with me, she would have blended in perfectly. heh.)

it definately did not help when my hostile home environment and a few separate incidents of unwarranted attempted sexual advances (i really don't know how to categorize them. this'll have to do.) by strangers messed with my head to a point where i wouldn't shower more than once a week (sometimes longer) and wore the same clothes for days and days ignoring stains and whatnot because i saw no point in taking care of myself and mostly just wanted to disappear.

he's one of the ever elusive D's, and for some reason i had a crush on him despite the fact that he was blonde. he hung out a lot with the bullies, and my friend used to boast that when they both were 5 years old, he'd asked her to go steady.

one day in 7'th grade i found myself in this room where people would gather inbetween classes to talk and play cards and buy sandwhiches. i very rarely could muster up enough energy and courage to look in there because there would be way too much people there and i felt i'd make myself a too easy of a target.

D was sitting at the table across from me and my friend with a bunch of his friends, and soon i realised i could hear their conversation. what more, i realised they were talking about me. and what i heard i was able to live off of for the rest of the year.

D: "i don't know, i think she's real pretty."
somebody: "well yeah but she's FAT!"
D: "oh, well yeah. i dunno. still. she's pretty, in some weird way."

dropped off the edge again down in juarez
"don't even bat an eye
if the eagle cries" the rasta man says,
just cause the desert likes young girls flesh and
no angel came

i don't think you even know
what you think you just said
so go on spill your seed
shake your gun to the rasta man's head
and the desert- she must be blessed and
no angel came

there's a time to keep it up
a time to keep it in
the indian is told
the cowboy is his friend
you know that i can breathe
even when i cheat
should. should've been over for me
no angel came