The next few months from February 1992 to July 1992 things seemed to just get worse. My partner became a total hermit. His T-cells continued to diminish to almost 0, and the medicines they gave him just made him sick. He would sleep most of the day and stay up late at night. We became like two ships sharing the same dock just not at the same time. Then there were the phone calls at my volunteer work wanting to know when I was coming home, even though I had only been gone some 15-30 minutes. He couldn't remember when I had left. He also started to become extremely paranoid. I was at my wits end, because things were at a breaking point around the house. Something would have to happen and it did.
The situation couldn't have been any bleaker around our house at this time, but then a guardian angel came along. A very dear and old friend of ours called and offered to take us to Hawaii for a week, and he was paying for everything! I thought this would be just the thing for my partner and myself to reclaim some sanity to our relationship! Well as it turned out, I had a really good time; as for my partner,m he chose to stay in our hotel room most of the time. I was happy but sad at the same time. I was at a loss at what to do for my companion. Our good friend just told me that I needed to be patient. Our friend had lost his lover the year before, so he knew what I was going through. We did go out one day to rent mopeds to drive around the island. I ended up crashing into a gold BMW that was backing down a one-way street. I had the right of way! To make a long story short we didn't have to pay for the bike damage, but I was scraped and cut on several places. The people that we rented the bikes from were trying to be so nice. I did not want them to help because I didn't want to explain my HIV status. I will say that during this short period of tragedy my companion suddenly took control, something he had not done for months. That would be the last time he would take on any authority.
After we got back home we began to argue about everything and I mean "EVERYTHING"! I basically had to stop doing my volunteer work. The dementia and paranoia on my partner were beginning to take its toll. He started being afraid to be alone, so I became chained to the house. I'm ashamed to admit this but I started to resent my position. I'd made a promise though never to leave him and I loved him, in only a way I could. I asked help from my family and they were more than willing but his family was, let's just say less accommodating. I could only get verbal support from my parents, because my lover didn't want to see anyone. He was so ashamed of the way he had begun to look all drawn, thin and pale. When Christmas 1993 came around I did all the shopping and decorating. I had a feeling this was going to be our last Christmas together. One day he announced that he wanted to go see his parents and sisters, right after the first of the year. I think he knew he was going to die soon. He had given up, and I hated him for that, but it was his decision. I rented a car in the middle of January 1994 and we went to see his parents and sisters. I think he knew that this would be his last chance to see them. They told me they would help but never did. I will note that one sister did come visit a few times toward the end. The day after we got back he was put in the hospital. I was ready to snap. I'll never know what kept me together. Everyone was worried about my health deteriorating; I could have cared less about myself at this point. The doctors told me there was nothing they could do to help, so I brought my partner home. The burden of the vigil had begun.
