MON 25 JAN 99

Well it's into 1999 already. I made a quiet New Years Resolution that would hopefully see me addressing many of my anxieties this year and taking the plunge out of the closet into society.

Today I received an invitation from a friend in the USA asking me to join another list, this one, a group of transgendered girls who have banded together for group discussion and support. I had known a few of them through my e-mails including Stephe, the owner of the list but didn't know it existed until I was invited. It is a busy list with an average of 20 or more postings a day and one day, after a lapse of a few days while I was without my PC, I was overwhelmed with 96 messages waiting for me to read. All I can add here is that I feel privileged to be part of this group.
 

WED 10 MAR 99

Not a lot has happened and I was beginning to think my resolution was going to be fruitless or at least less challenging. A couple of weeks earlier there was talk amongst the Melbourne Girls that another barbecue could be a possibility if anyone was interested. I indicated I was, and felt comfortable that I had done my bit, satisfied I had made my move towards achieving my goal and happy to sit and wait without the need for further commitment.

Today I received an e-mail to advise the date for the barbecue had been set for Sunday 18 April with numbers limited to 20. I immediately registered my wish to attend so as not to lose face, yet now feel more than anxious about how I am going to handle it!

SAT 13 MAR 99

Well I have been giving the barbecue a bit of thought and have decided I would need to buy a new outfit to compliment my public debut.

I have also been feeling quite depressed of late caused by a number of influences both at work, at home and personal. There is a major management restructure at work occurring at present for which I am obliged to show an interest and the process is causing some added stress. My home life has been suffering because of this and trying to cope with my femme needs. This has resulted in a period where my wife and I were not talking.

It all came ahead today when we had an emotional yet meaningful discussion. The old wounds were reopened but in the end a resolution was reached. She told me to follow the road to becoming a woman and ultimately SRS if that was what I wanted however she said she didn't wish to have a relationship with a woman and married me because I was a man. When I told her such action would mean losing my family and destroy all my values in life she conceded that I should go where I wanted and do as I though best. I saw this as a way to let her know about the barbecue invitation but decided to leave that till next time.

This evening my wife and a neighbour of ours attended the 50th birthday party of one of the partners at the medical practice where they work. It had a 70's theme so they went dressed in the syle of  hippies. Well my wife looked to me for insperation for her appearance. I lent her a pair of hooped ear-rings and even helped her choose what make-up she should wear. I offered her an eye liner pencil and an eye-shadow compact, and did some of her eye make-up for her! What a turn around for me.
 

MON 29 MAR 99

A turning point today with my first femme style haircut. My hairdresser has just begun a mobile hairdressing service and at home away from the spotlight of a salon, it was a good excuse to have something a little different. I had been growing my hair (unintentionally) to the point where I had quite a long fringe but I dread having it cut as male haircuts are so unimaginative.

Well I found a pic of a female with a style which I like and when she asked what I wanted done I showed it to her. She was receptive and quite encouraging. I told her I wanted something a little softer but which I could brush aside during the working week. It's short by femme standards but with a long swept fringe and layered over the ears and at the back. It looks good in both boy and femme modes.

I took some pics which I plan to post to the web site as it's a very different look to the dark bob style.
 

SUN 04 APR 99

Easter Sunday and with the rest of the family away it was a good opportunity to go to a mall and do some shopping. I have been looking for something suitable to wear on the 18th, and decided on a long skirt with a top. I found just what I was looking for at Target, one only, and in my size - and it was marked down to $10! I received an even bigger surprise at the checkout, when I found out it had been further reduced to $6. I bought a grey T and also a grey (this year's black) hooded top at another store marked down from $29.95 to $19.95. I was feeling pretty pleased with my self and decided to buy some make-up including a new lipstick as well.

In the evening I decided to try all my purchases and take some pics. It was fun and everything looked great. After taking some to show off my new hairstyle I decided to add a few more with the wig but first I misplaced the brush , then when I was ready, with me, looking and feeling a million dollars and the bedroom looking like the back scenes at a fashion parade, I couldn't find the camera remote control and spent the next hour searching for it. I reluctantly gave up, removed my make-up and showered. Luck would have it, I found it as I was tidying up! I finally went to bed well after midnight! Perhaps that is how it was meant to be but I still blame it on short term memory loss!
 

THU 15 APR 99

I had still not mentioned the barbecue to my wife and I was becoming a little anxious as for one reason or another the days were slipping by and I didn't know how best to handle it. I wanted to ensure it was a time when the two of us were alone and preferably without any other distractions.

Finally the timing appeared to be right. My wife had suggested we go down the street for a cappuccino and we settled on a nice coffee shop. It was perfect with only one other table occupied and a radio for background music. During our conversation I mentioned that I was invited to a barbecue on Sunday, at Peta's. She appeared to know who I was talking about and didn't ask too many questions. She seemed happy enough with the idea so all was well.
 

SUN 18 APR 99

The Day of the Barbecue!
My wife and kids left before me to go to a mall to do some shopping. I assumed  she was leaving before me so I would have a little time to get organised, although I had already packed most things in the car the night before. I couldn't decide what to wear and I hadn't had the chance to try on some of my new clothes so I ended up packing enough for a whole weekend, and then some!

I had decided to get changed at a motel. Originally I was to meet another girl who was going to make the booking and we arranged meet there. Well unfortunately she couldn't make it, so without any booking I decided on the Ramada Inn, which was convenient for the occasion. The room was good with plenty of space, a full-length mirror and a nice bright bathroom.

I finally settled for a 3/4 sleeve, low cut, mushroom coloured top and managed a bit of cleavage with a little taping. I teamed it with a long floral print skirt, in reddish, brown and cream tones and tan stockings and wore brown sandals with a 5cm heel. Then for the make-up and hair, I used mainly brown tones and finished off with a Rum Raisin coloured lipstick. A few rings, necklace and bracelets completed the look. I felt a million dollars and I was going OUT!

Without hesitating I grabbed my handbag and some wine I had to take, (and also threw my boy clothes in the boot just in case!) leaving everything else in the room. The motel has a back entrance, which was very convenient, and I then made my way towards Peta's. Here I was, stopping at traffic lights on a Sunday afternoon with people everywhere, and in broad daylight. I didn't have a care in the world, just looking ahead to the afternoon!

It took about 10 minutes to get to Peta's. I parked opposite and walked across to the house, rang the bell, and Peta met me at the door. I was instantly made very welcome and introduced to Kim. With a glass of wine in hand I was shown outside and introduced to all the girls. It was great to be able to finally put a face to all the names.

The ambience was warm and friendly, with about 15 girls present including about 5 gg's and the conversation flowed freely. It was good to finally meet in person a number of girls such as Nikki whom I have known for a couple of years now and others like Jess and Belinda who I have felt I have known almost as long. There was little emphasis on dress or appearance, as it became less significant. The afternoon went so quickly.

Anyway, eventually a few left, and as it became cool and darker we moved inside. It all felt so natural, even going to the bathroom and touching up my face and lipstick! I made an attempt to leave at the same time as one of the other girls, at about eight, only to spend another half hour or so in conversation with Peta out on the street. Everything just seemed so natural and we weren't even bothered by the occasional person walking past. By the time the last of us left it was nearly 8.30pm and I couldn't believe I had been dressed for over eight hours. Nor that I had met Peta in person only the same day. I was on cloud nine as I drove back to the motel. I had a shower and changed before heading for home well after nine.

Unfortunately not everyone I had hoped to catch up with could make it, so I am looking forward to the next get together. I have also decided to join Seahorse, which is an association here,  similar to Tri-Ess, I guess, although I haven't done anything about it yet. Perhaps I'll even get to go to a few other venues in time. Belinda suggested that she would be happy to join me or meet me if I wanted to go out on a Saturday night sometime! I am now even less content just dressing at home. I have my family to consider but I also have my needs and it has become more apparent.

I wanted to share some of the day and my feelings with my wife but she appeared to have only a passing interest.
 

MON 19 APR 99

This evening my wife noticed my eyelashes were darker and asked me if I have had them tinted. I said it was probably still a result from the day before and only then did she realise that it was a 'dress-up' occasion.

I thought she had assumed that, when I first mentioned it to her last Thursday. Unfortunately it went from bad to worse and my dreams of being more open and outgoing were shattered when she again made me feel guilty, suggesting I was being inconsiderate. We had short but blunt conversation and I felt quite angry and as I understood I had her blessing. It was such a let down there was so much that I had wanted to share with her.
 

TUE 20 APR 99

I left for work feeling quite upset and at the end of the day I wasn't really looking forward to getting home.

That evening she sensed something had upset me and we had another heart to heart talk. This time she was even more receptive than previously as I told her about my upbringing and early childhood, through to the stages of buying and purging clothes and finally the effect the internet has had. I talked about the difference (as I see it) between sex and gender and we touched on most things including my need to go out more. I told her I wish I had breasts and she asked why. I said so I could wear some nice bras and show some cleavage. She thought that was funny suggesting it should be the other way round :)

All in all we made amends and had a great night so I am making progress at home as well.
 

SAT 18 MAY 99

Through the encouragement of some of the girls on the Melb Girls List and particularly since Peta's barbecue I had decided to make an effort and get myself along to a Seahorse meeting. All the best intentions were there but I came down with persistant flu symptoms which kept me fairly low for a few weeks. I wasn't a pretty sight so it just didn't happen!
 
 

Nothing was going to stop me from getting to the June meeting and arranged to be signed in as a guest.
 

SAT 12 JUN 99

A major milestone.
My wife and daughter went away to her mother's for the weekend, however my son decided to stay which put an end to dressing at home. I packed the car and by late afternoon was headed across to the other side of town. The prearranged plan to meet up with Linda came undone again and I ended up searching for a motel alone. After a couple of 'No Vacancies' I found one and finally got changed. I decided on a dark grey 'T' and a black knee length skirt, with black opaque stockings and black low heeled loafers. A newly purchased black cardigan with floral embroidery completed the outfit. I grabbed my handbag, and because it was a cold evening, a coat and scarf before driving to the meeting about 10 minutes away.

Parking was no hassle, but I decided to stay in the main street nearby, opposite a Pizza Shop and across from a Petrol Station. I got out of the car and put on my coat and scarf in full view of anyone who may have bothered  to take any notice and headed around the corner.

Even though I was early, about 50 girls had already arrived, and a little daunted, I was anxious to spot a familiar face. Sally was at the door and when I identified myself she welcomed me and gave me a big hug! She introduced me to the other committee members.Once I paid my entry fee I noticed Peta and  immediately felt at ease. Soon Belinda arrive and later Nikki so I was happily amongst old friends.By the time proceedings got underway a record number of over 80 girls had signed in.

I found the group to be very diverse and covering all ages. Privledged to be part of it I decided the to join up and asked Sally what formalities were required. With my mailing address taken so I can recieve the newsletter, and upon payment of my subscription I was in!

The evening went quickly with drinks available all evening and a nice supper provided. I met a number of girls for the first time and was able to put faces to a few more names. A higlight was a cross dress wedding and a good band played all evening. It also marked SHV's 24th birthday, so not only was there a wedding cake but a birthday cake as well.

Midnight came all too quickly and soon it was time to go. Some of the girls decided to kick on and went out to a restaurant. As confident as I felt, and as much as I wished to join them, my circumstances didn't allow, and I left for the motel where I once again got changed before heading for home arriving back at  about 1.30 in the morning.

Me

To My Bio

Back To Home Page